2 Ways That 'Love–Hate Relationships' Develop

Sometimes, the more you love someone, the more you hate them too. Here's how it happens.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 16, 2024

Romantic relationships are often intensely emotional, complex and multifaceted. A 2017 study published in Frontiers In Psychology found that, in certain romantic relationships, we can experience the emotional duality of both love and hatred for a partner.

In such "love-hate" relationships, partners experience both deep affection and strong negative emotions, often cycling between the two. This can create a volatile and unpredictable dynamic, where moments of closeness are chaotically interspersed with periods of conflict and resentment.

Researchers found that people often fall for those they believe are similar to them in terms of values, beliefs and interests. They also found that individuals who loved their partner more intensely because of these similarities also experienced stronger feelings of hate when that partner betrayed them.

"Our results supported the idea that 'the deeper the love, the deeper the hate,'" the researchers write.

Here are two possible reasons why love-hate relationships form, according to the study.

1. Emotional Jealousy And Perceived Betrayal

One of the most powerful triggers of hate in a romantic relationship is emotional jealousy, which is often closely tied to betrayal. Whether it's infidelity, emotional neglect or even a perceived lack of commitment, the betrayal of trust can transform love into hate in an instant.

When a partner perceives that their romantic relationship is being threatened—whether by a rival or by their partner's actions—it can evoke intense feelings of jealousy. This often stems from fear and insecurity, emotions that can quickly morph into anger and resentment when the perceived threat begins to feel real.

It's possible the emotional intensity of love is redirected towards these more destructive emotions. The connection between love and hate becomes a reflection of the emotional investment made in the relationship and the hurt experienced when that investment is compromised.

2. A Feeling Of Unequal Emotional Investment

Another major factor that contributes to love-hate relationships is a feeling of unequal emotional investment. In any relationship, partners invest different levels of time, effort and emotional energy. When one partner feels that they are giving more than they are receiving, it can create a sense of inequity and dissatisfaction.

This imbalance, if unaddressed, can gradually turn love into resentment and, eventually, hate. Using "equity theory," researchers suggest that people in relationships strive for fairness, meaning they want the ratio of their inputs (e.g., time, effort and affection) to match the outcomes they receive (e.g., love, support and validation).

A 2018 study published in Emotion Review also suggests that we often give in to hate as it confirms our belief in the "just world hypothesis," which is the assumption that the world is inherently fair and that people get what they deserve.

This belief makes it easier to justify hatred towards individuals or groups, seeing them as having an inherently negative disposition that warrants the hatred. By framing others as deserving of their misfortune, it simplifies complex situations and helps people maintain their sense of justice and control over their own lives.

Additionally, a 2016 study published in the Journal of Relationships Research found that hatred can have a lasting impact on the quality of a romantic relationship. People who have previously experienced hate toward their partner are more likely to report lower levels of intimacy, satisfaction and love in their relationships. Even if the feelings of hate eventually subside, those negative emotions can linger, affecting the relationship in subtle yet significant ways.

"If hate is really a destructive motivation, it may be difficult or impossible to reconcile that motivation, even with strong feelings of love," the researchers write.

In fact, in love-hate relationships, couples often experience strong "cognitive dissonance" or psychological conflict. To reduce this dissonance, people may engage in "effort justification"—essentially convincing themselves that their relationship is worth staying in, despite the challenges they've experienced.

"As time progresses in a relationship that has had incidences of hate, people are more likely to possibly justify or explain their ongoing relationship by increasing their level of commitment," the researchers explain. However, this effort to reconcile conflicting feelings is unlikely to restore the relationship to its former state.

Researchers also suggest that individuals who struggle with self-esteem and emotional regulation may be especially vulnerable to such emotions, as they may view relationships and partners in the often extreme ways they view themselves— all good or all bad. They may already worry about their partner accepting them and staying with them long-term, fueling their resentment if the anticipated betrayal occurs.

Love-hate relationships are complex and emotionally charged. Underneath feelings of hate often lie a deeper layer of woundedness, rejection, loneliness, fear and anger from being wronged. These emotions can create a powerful, destructive force, distorting our perception of others and even ourselves.

True love, with its foundation in understanding, empathy and personal accountability, struggles to coexist with such hate. This doesn't mean that a relationship marked by these feelings is doomed, but it signals that there are unresolved emotions that need immediate attention. If you carry these heavy feelings, it's worth looking inward to understand their roots. After all, love flourishes best when it's free from the shadows of unaddressed pain.

Do you experience emotional jealousy in relationships, blurring the lines between love and hate? Take this test to know where you stand: Emotional Jealousy Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.