1 Factor That Can Ruin Even The Healthiest Of Marriages

There's nothing more deadly in a marriage than 'role-blurring.' Here's how it can quickly wear couples down.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 28, 2025

As adults, we play multiple roles — as friends, siblings, romantic partners, employees, employers or even parents. Each of these roles demands our time, effort and emotional bandwidth. But what happens when the lines blur? When one domain spills over into another, leaving us too overwhelmed to truly attend to either?

With the rise of remote work, smartphones and constant connectivity, the boundaries between these roles have become increasingly porous. We answer emails during dinner. We mentally plan tomorrow's grocery list in the middle of a Zoom meeting. We take work calls during a family picnic. It's all in the name of being "efficient" — but there's a hidden emotional cost.

This phenomenon is called "role-blurring," and according to a 2024 study of 191 couples published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, these blurred lines may be quietly eroding your relationship from the inside.

Role-blurring is insidious, especially because it's so normalized. Researchers found that role-blurring especially impacts women — when they're mentally or emotionally preoccupied with home and family responsibilities while at work, such as texting with their child's teacher during a meeting (a pattern called life–work role blurring), it significantly increases psychological distress, including symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Over time, this distress spills over into their relationship and begins to chip away at both partners' sense of relationship satisfaction and connection.

How Role-Blurring Affects Your Marriage

When you're mentally jumping between home and work tasks — even if it's just in your head — your brain is constantly switching gears. This can lead to what's known as cognitive overload, where your capacity to focus, regulate emotions and connect meaningfully with others becomes depleted.

Researchers suggest that just as personal and professional roles spillover, so does one partner's stress onto the other. When one is distressed, the other often feels it — either emotionally or behaviorally. And the ripple effect can weaken communication, increase conflict and is associated with a decline in relationship satisfaction for both spouses.

"By being more distressed, individuals could experience lower relationship satisfaction, either by being less able to invest in their romantic relationship or by being more pessimistic, impatient and irritable," the researchers explain.

Over time, this shows up in relationships as:

• Arguing more frequently, without fully understanding why.
• Mental withdrawal (You're physically present, but emotionally checked out.)
• Experiencing more frustration and irritability, lesser empathy and fewer moments of shared joy.
• Lesser energy for intimacy (Not just physical, but emotional closeness.)
• Reduced patience and optimism, which are crucial for navigating any couple's everyday ups and downs.

How The 'Invisible Load' Exacerbates Role-Blurring

The "invisible load" is the mental to-do list that never shuts off. It's the anticipatory stress of remembering your kid's dentist appointment and making sure to check if there's milk in the fridge. It's all the behind-the-scenes planning, anticipating and organizing that keeps life moving — and it's exhausting to do alone.

And, while both partners in modern marriages may aim to share responsibilities, research and lived experience alike tell us that women continue to shoulder the lion's share of the mental and emotional labor of family life.

This mental labor, which often goes unrecognized and unspoken, is a form of cognitive multitasking that drains a person's attention and well-being. And when a woman is navigating her job while simultaneously planning, organizing and managing the logistics of home life, she's not only overextended — she's often emotionally unsupported.

"Since life–work role blurring occurs outside the family home, it is possible that its manifestations are not perceived by the partner who is not physically present at work," the authors of the 2024 study write, highlighting the invisible nature of the pressure women face while juggling multiple responsibilities.

Women are often the ones thinking about what needs to get done, how to keep things running smoothly and how to nurture emotional connection with their partner, such as by planning date nights, initiating deep conversations, remembering important anniversaries and making sure everyone at home feels emotionally supported.

"They may take on a more significant role in organizing quality moments to feel close to their partner," the researchers write. "It is possible that when a woman is either anxious, depressed or irritable, she may be less patient and have less energy to nurture the relationship or care for their partner, which may be experienced as a lack of interest or love from their partner."

This points to the importance of the less burdened partner acknowledging such emotional labor and actively stepping up — not just by offering help when asked, but by taking initiative and sharing the mental load.

When their spouses don't contribute, women can experience burnout, irritability and a deep, quiet resentment — not just toward the demands of work and family, but toward the relationship itself.

And this doesn't just affect couples with children. Even child-free women often find themselves trying to balance their careers, personal goals, friendships, hobbies and self-care — all while doing the emotional labor of holding the relationship together. The stress may look different, but it's just as real.

It's also worth noting that women are far more likely than men to initiate divorce — and significantly less likely to remarry. That's not a coincidence. When women are single, they often experience more freedom, more time for themselves and fewer caregiving burdens.

In contrast, married women tend to report lower levels of happiness than their male counterparts — largely because they carry the heavier emotional and logistical load.

If this dynamic isn't addressed, it can deeply damage a relationship — even if no one is saying anything out loud. But when both partners commit to sharing responsibilities and lightening the load, women gain the mental space to be present, rested and engaged — and both people in the relationship benefit.

How To Fight The Effects Of Role-Blurring

Here's how couples can acknowledge and overcome the impact of role-blurring and invisible burdens — together.

• Make the invisible load visible. Talk openly about the mental labor each of you carries. What are the things you're constantly thinking about, planning, worrying over? If it lives in your brain and not on a shared calendar or checklist, it's invisible — and likely unsustainable. Set up a new, more equitable way to divide up this labor. That means owning a task from start to finish. For instance, not just "helping" with dinner but planning, shopping and cooking. True support is proactive, not performative.
• Respect each other's boundaries. As the less burdened partner, help protect your partner's work and rest time. That means not expecting them to handle family tasks while they're working — and not interrupting personal time unless necessary. As the more burdened partner, give yourself permission to mentally shift gears. Practice rituals that help you transition between roles — like setting clear start times, taking a short walk before logging on or writing down any lingering home tasks so they're not looping in your mind while you're trying to concentrate.
• Normalize needing breaks — from all roles. You're not just parents, workers or spouses. You're human beings. And being "on" in all areas, all the time, is not sustainable. Make room for each other to rest, decompress and just be — without guilt.
• Check in with each other regularly. Ask each other: "How can I make you feel more supported?" or "Is there anything you're holding that you wish I understood better?" These simple questions create space for honesty and emotional attunement.
• Practice daily mindfulness. Researchers suggest that practicing mindfulness can help with stress relief, emotional regulation and feeling more grounded in the present moment. Over time, it can enhance work performance and likely reduce the emotional spillover between different life roles. Even a few minutes of deep breathing, meditation or mindful movement each day can make a meaningful difference.

Role blurring and the invisible load may not be as visible as financial struggles or major conflicts — but they can be just as damaging to a relationship. Left unaddressed, they create chronic stress and disconnection. But with awareness, empathy and shared responsibility, couples can build relationships that support all the roles each person plays — instead of being one more role that drains them.

Even small changes in how you communicate and divide responsibilities can ease the pressure and rekindle a sense of partnership. Because at the end of the day, a healthy marriage shouldn't feel like a second job. It should feel like a shared life — one where both partners show up, contribute and make space for each other to thrive.

Wondering how blurred roles and invisible burdens may be impacting your marriage? Take the science-backed Marital Satisfaction Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.