Research Reveals That 'Decentering' Is The Next Best Thing When No-Contact Isn't An Option

The inability to cut contact with a toxic person can be incredibly frustrating. Here's what to do when no-contact isn't possible.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 21, 2024

Many people come to therapy when struggling to distance themselves from people who are a source of negativity in their life. These individuals may experience added stress when the negative source is someone that they can't break ties with. They may say things like:

• "Their toxicity makes me wish I could cut them off entirely, but us having a child together makes it impossible, and it makes me feel hopeless."
• "I hate how I feel when I'm around them, but I can't avoid them since they're part of my family."
• "I don't want this person in my life anymore, but having so many mutual friends makes it really hard to not see them, and it's really frustrating."

While ceasing all contact to put an end to a toxic friendship, family dynamic or romantic relationship can seem desirable, it isn't always a realistic option. Certain shared ties can't be cut entirely without jeopardizing other spheres of well-being, forcing those suffering to think they need to endure all aspects of an unpleasant relationship for the sake of survival.

However, research shows that when a desired no-contact arrangement isn't possible, there exists an alternative option: "decentering." Involving the perception of experiences beyond subjective viewpoints, decentering can offer relief without severing all ties. Here are three decentering techniques that can ease the burden of an inescapable relationship.

1. Objective Evaluation

A study from Current Opinions in Psychology emphasizes that a key component of decentering involves moving beyond the emotional aspects of an experience in favor of objective evaluation. In the context of being unable to cut someone off entirely despite the desire to do so, objective evaluation involves structured analysis of the reasons for maintaining contact, careful consideration of potential consequences of cutting ties and an exploration of alternative perspectives.

Imagine a scenario where you find yourself entangled in a challenging relationship—perhaps having a child with someone you wish to distance yourself from—where cutting ties entirely could potentially be detrimental to the child. Similarly, you might desire to sever ties with in-laws, but not at the cost of making your partner unhappy. Rather than succumbing to feelings of exhaustion about the complexity or unpleasantness of these dynamics, objective evaluation encourages a thorough examination of the situation.

For instance, when co-parenting with a toxic ex, objective evaluation could lead to exploring ways to establish healthy boundaries that prioritize your mental well-being while also considering the child's needs. In the case of in-laws, objective evaluation might involve a search for a middle ground that respects both your boundaries and your partner's relationship with their family.

Through this decentering technique, you can create a structured framework for decision-making that balances your well-being with the broader context of the negative relationship. This process allows for practical and informed choices in navigating complex dynamics, minimizing the emotional toll while prioritizing the welfare of all involved parties.

2. Emotional Detachment

Decentering also necessitates deliberate emotional detachment from the intense feelings and thoughts entwined with the person in question. This detachment doesn't imply suppressing emotions, but rather observing them with a certain level of objectivity. According to a study from Perspectives on Psychological Science, this "meta-awareness" involves creating a psychological distance that provides room for reflection.

Consider someone grappling with feelings of hopelessness due to ties with a toxic family member. Applying the concept of decentering, this person might become aware of the contents of these hopeless thoughts, acknowledging their negative narrative.

Instead of being engulfed by feelings of hopelessness, they cultivate meta-awareness, recognizing the thinking processes involved in generating that despairing thought. Through this utilization of decentering, "I am hopeless" shifts into "I am thinking a hopeless thought."

By separating one's subjective feelings from their objective reality, the individual gains distance from the intense emotions associated with their circumstances. By observing thoughts without being overwhelmed, this process of decentering can enable individuals to develop healthy emotional detachment, fostering a more objective and less emotionally charged perspective of themselves and the relationship they wish to be free of.

3. Reducing Rumination

According to research from Neuropsychologia, decentering acts as a potent antidote to negative rumination. By guiding individuals to shift their attention away from intrusive thoughts related to the person, decentering disrupts the cycle of rumination, promoting mental clarity and reducing the emotional toll associated with overthinking.

When stuck in a toxic dynamic with someone they can't break ties with, you may find yourself immersed in the negativity of the relationship, constantly ruminating on past incidents or anticipating future conflicts with the person. The hurtful conversations and negative experiences may feel as if they define your current reality. However, decentering involves a deliberate effort to disengage oneself from this immersive experience.

For instance, instead of allowing negatives to dominate your thoughts, you consciously redirect your focus away from the relationship and focus on what is positive in your life. This could involve engaging in activities that provide a sense of personal fulfillment and joy or investing energy in personal development. By doing so, you can disengage from the emotional burden of your shared ties, allowing relief from the immersive nature of rumination.

When bound to someone against your will, decentering breaks the cycle of pessimism in favor of silver linings. By redirecting your focus with this mindful approach, you'll find your concerns regarding others morph instead into a concern for your own happiness. As self-preservation takes center stage through these techniques, a robust dedication to self-care emerges. This intentional shift towards valuing well-being gradually remodels overpowering feelings of entrapment, allowing them to blur and fade into the background.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.