How Not To Become A Victim Of 'Self-Gaslighting'

It's bad enough when someone else makes you feel crazy. Don't let that voice come from within.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 21, 2024

Many people seek therapy when grappling with prolonged self-doubt and harboring a negative self-view. They often express thoughts such as:

• “I often catch myself in moments where my reactions feel disproportionately intense and this makes me think, “God, I am so dramatic!””
• “Why can’t I handle minor issues with more ease? Why do I react so strongly to things that others may find more manageable?”
• “If I love my partner so much, how could I just hurt them? I can be so insensitive.” 
• “Are my perceptions and emotions even valid or is everything just a product of my imagination? Maybe it’s all just in my head?”

If you frequently find yourself plagued by such thoughts, it may be an indication to pause and think, as you could be engaging in self-gaslighting.

Self-gaslighting, a term rooted in the psychological phenomenon of gaslighting, is a subtle yet damaging behavior where individuals manipulate their own perceptions, memories or beliefs, to downplay or dismiss their experiences, emotions or thoughts ultimately disconnecting from reality and impeding personal growth.

Here are three psychological reasons why people engage in self-gaslighting. 

1. Fear Of Falling Short

The fear of failure, a key catalyst for self-gaslighting, arises when individuals grapple with anxiety about falling short of both personal and societal expectations. This pervasive fear often originates from various sources.

Childhood experiences, whether marked by unrealistic expectations or early setbacks, can significantly shape one’s fear of failure. Societal pressures, such as the relentless pursuit of perfection promoted by societal norms, can exacerbate this fear, creating a heightened need for validation and success. Personal insecurities, rooted in self-doubt and a fear of judgment, further contribute to the pervasive anxiety surrounding failure.

Confronted with this fear, individuals may resort to distorting their perceptions of reality through self-gaslighting, constructing a narrative that shields them from the anticipated shame and disappointment associated with perceived failures. Moreover, a recent study indicates that individuals with elevated levels of fear tied to shame and embarrassment—a particular dimension of the fear of failure—are more prone to heightened psychological stress and a diminished sense of accomplishment.

To break free from the grip of self-gaslighting driven by the fear of failure, individuals must shift their perspectives.

• Embrace challenges not as threats to your self-worth but as opportunities for learning and personal development. 
• Adopt a growth mindset to view setbacks as stepping stones toward improvement rather than as reflections of inherent shortcomings. 

2. Negative Self-Worth

Negative self-worth, often emerging from lingering past traumas or prolonged exposure to criticism, can lead individuals to internalize a distorted self-image. This internalization can lead to self-gaslighting, as individuals unconsciously seek to validate and perpetuate their negative beliefs about themselves.

The self-deprecating cycle perpetuates as individuals undermine their own achievements, dismiss positive feedback and grapple with imposter syndrome. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology defines imposter syndrome as a phenomenon where one, doubting the validity of their accomplishments, is haunted by a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud. This self-sabotaging intensifies the challenge of breaking free from the damaging cycle of self-gaslighting.

Addressing negative self-worth necessitates a multifaceted approach. It involves building a more realistic and positive self-concept.

• Cultivating self-compassion becomes a cornerstone, allowing individuals to extend kindness and understanding to themselves, countering the harsh inner critic.
• Seeking therapy provides a structured and supportive environment to explore the roots of negative self-worth, facilitating healing and growth. 
• Challenging ingrained negative beliefs through cognitive restructuring empowers individuals to reframe their self-perception and combat the imposter syndrome.

3. Self-Inflicted Criticism

Internalized criticism festers when individuals absorb negative judgment and critique received from others, making them their own. This process involves aligning one’s perceptions with the critical voices that have been internalized over time. The adoption of external negativity becomes a defense mechanism, a subconscious attempt to shield oneself from the emotional pain associated with feeling unaccepted or unworthy.

Engaging in self-gaslighting under the influence of internalized criticism manifests as a constant inner dialogue that echoes the critical voices of others. This perpetuates a cycle of self-doubt and undermines personal confidence, making it challenging to break free from the shackles of distorted self-perception.

Recognizing that self-worth is not contingent on external validation can be a powerful step toward breaking the cycle of self-gaslighting. This involves: 

• Developing self-awareness to understand your thoughts and emotions.
• Challenging irrational beliefs that undermine your worth.
• Cultivating self-compassion to extend kindness to yourself in the face of self-doubt.

Conclusion

Recognizing the psychological roots of self-gaslighting is pivotal for self-awareness and mental well-being. Addressing the root causes sets the stage for a journey of self-discovery and authentic self-acceptance. Seeking professional help, practicing self-compassion and cultivating a supportive environment are crucial in breaking free from self-gaslighting, fostering a healthier, more fulfilling life.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.