Are You Stuck In A 'Lonely Marriage'? Here's How To Know

Feeling alone when around your partner can be crushing. Here's how to tell if the one you should keep closest is drifting away from you.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 28, 2024

Marriage, often regarded as the epitome of companionship and a sacrosanct vow of reciprocal love, can paradoxically create feelings of deep loneliness for some people. Despite the promise of love and support, reality may fall short, leaving partners feeling isolated and disconnected.

Loneliness within marriage extends beyond mere physical absence to encompass a deep sense of emotional detachment and unmet intimacy. It's about feeling unseen, unheard and misunderstood despite sharing a life with someone.

Loneliness isn't just an emotional burden. Research suggests that it is linked to increased functional decline and mortality. Lonely individuals face higher risks in various aspects of daily living, from basic tasks to long-term mobility. The study also shows how mortality rates can increase by 45% over a six-year period.

Several factors contribute to marital loneliness:

Inadequate communication or a lack of meaningful conversations can lead to emotional distance.
Monotonous daily routines devoid of novelty or excitement can foster loneliness and disconnection.
Lingering unresolved conflicts or unaddressed grievances erect emotional barriers, amplifying feelings of isolation.
Discrepancies in individual growth trajectories or life goals can alienate partners from each other.
External stressors like financial troubles, work pressures or family conflicts strain marital bonds, intensifying loneliness.

Here are three indicators to help identify if you're experiencing loneliness in your marriage.

1. There's An Emotional Disconnect

According to a study published in Contemporary Family Therapy, couples who engage in frequent and meaningful conversations tend to experience greater relationship satisfaction, perceive more positive qualities in their relationships and feel closer to each other.

When conversations with your spouse remain surface-level or when important topics are avoided, it may signal a breakdown in communication. Pay attention to both the quality and quantity of your interactions. If you find that meaningful dialogue is lacking or if there's a tendency to avoid discussing critical matters, it could indicate emotional distance.

Communication isn't just about exchanging words. It's about truly understanding and connecting with your partner on an emotional level. So:

Instead of expecting your partner to intuitively grasp your emotions, which can lead to misunderstandings, express your feelings openly and directly without assigning blame. Use statements like "I'm feeling lonely and disconnected" to promote understanding, and be receptive to your partner's perspective—they may be experiencing similar emotions.
Make a conscious effort to understand your partner's perspective. Consider their current reality, challenges, sources of joy, worries and desires. Approach this exercise with empathy and openness for a renewed emotional connection in your relationship.

2. You're Avoiding Your Spouse

If you notice yourself resorting to avoidant behaviors in your marriage—like spending excessive time away from home, pursuing separate hobbies or frequently finding excuses to evade interactions with your spouse—it may indicate underlying loneliness within the marriage. Take a moment to reflect on your actions and motivations. Are you seeking solace and fulfillment outside of the relationship rather than within it?

Avoidance can be a coping mechanism for unresolved conflicts or unaddressed issues. Research indicates that spouses with higher levels of attachment avoidance are more likely to emotionally or physically distance themselves during moments of tension or negativity in the relationship.

Rather than withdrawing further, consider addressing these challenges directly. Studies suggest that aside from engaging in conversation, actively validating and affirming the relationship through expressions of affection, support or commitment can reduce attachment avoidance and strengthen emotional connection and commitment.

3. Your Bedroom Is Collecting Dust

Sexual intimacy is a crucial aspect of marital satisfaction and connection. When there's a noticeable decline or complete absence of sexual activity within the relationship, it can signal underlying emotional disconnection or dissatisfaction. Intimacy extends beyond the physical act and involves emotional closeness and vulnerability shared between partners.

Research highlights several factors that enhance marital intimacy, such as:

Family dynamics, including relationships within the extended family
Shared time spent together and the duration of the marital relationship
Reciprocity in self-sacrifice, where partners make sacrifices and receive similar gestures in return
Expressing appreciation and acknowledging each other's efforts
Engaging in new shared activities, like hobbies or experiences
Parenthood can also deepen emotional connection, as shared experiences in raising children strengthen intimacy

With this information in mind, identify the turning point in your marriage. Whether you've felt lonely for a while or it's a recent occurrence, reflecting on possible triggers can provide insights. Did a major life event, like having a baby or job loss, impact your relationship dynamics? Has increased work pressure affected either of you? Identifying catalysts often leads to finding solutions.

While you are at it, realize that it may be unfair to put all your eggs in one basket. Relying solely on your partner to fulfill all your needs—as best friend, confidant and lover—often leads to disappointment and burnout for both parties. It's essential to diversify your sources of support and joy. Research indicates that cultivating friendships outside your relationship can provide invaluable support, especially during challenging times.

Unsure if your relationship qualifies as "lonely?" Take the evidence-based Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.