7 Ways To Use The 'Sound Relationship House' Theory In Your Marriage

Want a marriage that will stand the test of time? Consider the Gottmans' 'sound relationship house' theory.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 30, 2024

In his bestselling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman introduced a concept that has had a profound impact on couples and relationship therapy: the Sound Relationship House theory. At its core, the theory is simple, but powerful: Gottman likened a strong, lasting marriage to the structure of a well-built house.

Just like a house relies on load-bearing walls and a strong foundation to weather any storm, so does a marriage. But, a house must always be built from the ground up; you cannot put up the walls before laying the foundation. The same goes for building a healthy marriage. The most basic and essential elements—knowing, trusting and enjoying one another—must come first. Only after these solid foundations are in place can a relationship truly grow and thrive.

Here's how Gottman breaks down the process—floor by floor, each with its own rules—for creating a sound relationship house.

1st Floor: Building A 'Love Map'

The first and most essential floor of your relationship house is your "love map." Think of it as a guide to your partner's inner world—their thoughts, feelings, worldviews and preferences. These in's and out's of one another's mind are what serve as the foundation of your marriage.

Do you know what your partner dreams of achieving in life? Who their best friend is, and why that relationship is important to them? What's their relationship like with their family? How do they unwind after a tough day? Even the little things—like their favorite snack or go-to movie—matter more than you might think.

Knowing these intimate details might seem trivial, but they form the concrete base of your relationship. A deeply connected couple has this kind of understanding of one another; they know each other's fears and desires better than anyone else. This comprehensive knowledge lays the foundation for a marriage that can endure whatever life throws its way.

2nd Floor: Sharing Fondness And Admiration

Once your love map is in place, the second floor is constructed with fondness and admiration. This is where you celebrate each other's uniqueness and express the joy you gain from being in your marriage.

Do you find delight in their little quirks that others might overlook? Do you smile when they walk into the room? Do you express appreciation for who they are and what they bring to your marriage?

This positive regard helps nurture the emotional connection between you both; it reminds you why you fell in love in the first place, and why you continue to choose each other every day. If you're able to see the delight in these little things, then you're nurturing the admiration and fondness that keep your connection strong. A sturdy second floor is built on these expressions of love and gratitude.

3rd Floor: Turning Towards

The third floor is all about "turning towards" each other in everyday life. Gottman calls these "bids for connection"—small moments when your partner reaches out for emotional support, tenderness or even just attention.

Can you tell when your partner needs a hug? Are you there for them, no matter how big or small the issue is? Are you willing to hear them talk about their day, every day?

Turning towards your partner in these moments shows that you are present and attentive, and that their emotional needs matter to you. When both partners actively turn towards each other, every bid for connection, whether trivial or exorbitant, is acknowledged and valued.

4th Floor: Taking A Positive Perspective

The fourth floor focuses on maintaining a positive perspective. Life isn't perfect, and neither are relationships—but how you respond to challenges makes all the difference.

Do you give your partner the benefit of the doubt when they make small mistakes? Can you avoid jumping to negative conclusions or rushing to criticize?

This mindset allows you to view your partner's actions with grace and understanding, rather than quick judgment. A strong positive perspective helps couples weather tough times without magnifying issues or assuming the worst.

5th Floor: Managing Conflict

Conflict is inevitable, but how you manage it determines whether your fifth floor stands strong. In a healthy relationship, both partners approach disagreements with a team mindset; they see conflict as an opportunity for growth.

Do you listen to your partner's perspective, even when you're frustrated? Can you pause an argument when it gets too heated? Do you avoid letting small issues turn into major confrontations?

When you can approach conflict with the goal of understanding and resolution, rather than winning or being right, you've built a sound fifth floor that can withstand disagreements without crumbling.

6th Floor: Making Life Dreams Come True

The sixth floor is the space in which you support each other's dreams—both as individuals and as a couple. This floor is built with trust, altruism and a shared vision for the future.

Are you willing to make sacrifices for the life you want together? If life throws an unexpected challenge your way, can you adjust your plans as a team?

Whether dealing with unforeseen financial setbacks or navigating new aspirations, a strong couple faces these obstacles together—and they make adjustments along the way. When both partners are fully committed to helping each other thrive, this floor becomes a space of encouragement and growth—one where both individual and shared dreams are given equal importance.

7th Floor: Creating Shared Meaning

The final floor is where your individual lives come together to form a shared life and vision. This level is where your individual lives blend into a shared life, and your relationship becomes more than just the sum of its parts.

Do you have shared values around money, career, sex, independence and family? Do you dream of growing old together? Do you have plans for the future—or even just for the weekend—and are you both excited for them?

This floor represents the deepest, most meaningful level of connection, where you and your partner work together to create a fulfilling life; you share not only your love, but also your purpose and direction. Just as you started with a love map of each other's inner worlds, now, at this stage, you create a love map of your shared world.

How sound is your relationship house? Take this science-backed test to know where you stand: Marital Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.