5 Things To Do If Your Friend Is Gaslighting You

Are you stuck in a 'gaslit friendship'? Here's how to handle it or, alternatively, break free.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Septmber 19, 2024

Friendships are meant to be a sanctuary—a place of happiness, trust and support. But when a friend gaslights you, this safe space turns into an emotional battlefield, leaving you questioning your reality and sense of self. To add insult to injury, gaslighting is often difficult to identify as it's a subtle and lowkey form of constant and progressive manipulation—gradually pulling you away from your real world toward self-doubt and guilt.

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where the victim is made to doubt their reality and feel crazy. It often involves key elements such as denying facts upfront, twisting words and their meanings, or making you feel overly sensitive. While breaking free is tough, here are five strategic ways to start.

1. Recognize Their Patterns

The first step in addressing gaslighting is recognizing it—understanding that someone is warping your sense of reality. A 2024 study published in the journal Current Approaches in Psychiatry shows that gaslighting can happen in various relationships—from romantic to social to political.

It also suggests that gaslighting is often driven by power imbalances, personality traits and how much individuals depend on one another. Phrases like "you're imagining things" or "that never happened" are common red flags. Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a pioneering psychologist in this field, exemplifies multiple scenarios of gaslighting in her book—The Gaslight Effect (2007). She underscores that recognizing early signs is essential to counter this emotional manipulation.

You might notice constant manipulation, where your friend dismisses your feelings as overreactions or accuses you of being too sensitive. Pay keen attention to see how often you are left questioning your own perceptions after normal day-to-day conversations and if you end up feeling chronically unsettled.

While genuine friendship also involves moments of brutal and unsettling honesty, a gaslit friendship may affect your public confidence. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for maintaining healthy and authentic friendships. When you repeatedly face gaslighting, you might internalize it, causing unfounded self-doubt to grow. Awareness of these tactics is your first line of defense in reclaiming your sense of self.

2. Ground Yourself In Your Own Reality

Gaslighting creates a fog of confusion, leaving you uncertain about what's real. In a 2019 study published in the American Sociological Review, sociologist Paige Sweet argued that gaslighting isn't just a psychological issue but deeply rooted in social inequalities and power dynamics. Abusers often exploit these dynamics to distort their victims' perception of reality, making it a pervasive sociological problem.

Staying grounded when faced with a gaslighting friend is crucial but difficult. Gaslighters rely on distorting facts, but when you factually validate your own experiences, you strip them of their power. While easier said than done, grounding yourself is essential for reclaiming your sense of self. Here's how you can start:

1. Document interactions. Keep a journal to track conversations and events. This will highlight discrepancies between your memory and their manipulation. Keep a constant check on your version of events when you suspect them of trying to "rewrite history."
2. Trust your instincts. If something feels off, trust yourself. Your intuition can be a guide through the fog. Start believing in your intent and intuition to calibrate vision.
3. Educate yourself on how gaslighting plays out in friendships through empirical and anecdotal evidence. Knowledge helps you spot manipulation much sooner.
4. Practice self-care. Prioritize activities that reinforce your sense of self and reality. Do what keeps you free from self-sabotaging.

3. Establish Clear And Loud Boundaries

Gaslighting thrives when boundaries are blurred, allowing manipulators to overstep without facing consequences. A 2005 study published in Psychological Bulletin found an interesting insight—social exclusions activate similar physiological mechanisms as physical pain. Avoiding exclusion by trying to win your gaslighting friend's approval can eventually make you their prey.

Consider this—gaslighters often take on a position of authority in social groups or relationships because of their strong beliefs and stance. And we may subconsciously seek their approval just to feel included. However, this gives away our power to someone who could harm us emotionally.

Hence, when a friend dismisses your feelings or distorts reality, it's crucial to set clear boundaries. For instance, you could say, "I don't appreciate you invalidating my experiences. Let's stop hanging out together if we can't respect each other's perspectives?"

Assertive communication protects your well-being and shows that you do not entertain manipulation in your friendships. By establishing boundaries, you not only safeguard yourself but also reinforce your autonomy and authenticity in social dynamics.

4. Seek Validation From A Support System

Gaslighters often try to isolate you, making you feel like no one else sees their behavior. This is why seeking validation from trusted friends or professionals is crucial. Talking to someone outside your "gaslit friendship" can help you gauge whether your perceptions are accurate.

A therapist or counselor, in particular, can provide an unbiased view and equip you with tools to deal with the manipulation more effectively. Social validation reassures you that you are not crazy—you're simply trying to disentangle yourself from toxic behavior.

5. Consider The Future Of The Friendship

While we all need a sense of belonging from different arenas in life, it's essential to keep checking what uplifts you and what pulls you down. A 2019 study published in the journal Psychological Bulletin highlights that people naturally form attachments and experience high levels of resistance to ending them—a tendency that might influence emotions and thought processes adversely.

At some point, you might need to ask yourself if the friendship you're in is worth maintaining. Long-term exposure to gaslighting can erode your self-esteem, leading to heightened anxiety, as suggested by a 2024 study. The researchers also warn us of the adverse impacts gaslighting has on mental health, especially among young adults.

Exiting a friendship is never easy, but prioritizing your well-being should always be more important. Removing yourself from toxic relationships significantly improves mental and emotional health, reducing stress and allowing you to regain confidence.

Gaslighting in friendships is emotionally draining, but with the right strategies, one can reclaim their reality and protect their mental health. Recognize the manipulation, ground yourself in fact, and set firm boundaries. Seeking external validation will keep your sense of reality intact, and if the relationship proves too damaging, it's okay to move ahead. Trust yourself. Your emotional well-being is worth preserving over everything else.

Being in constant company of a gaslighter can reflect in your anxiety levels. Take the Anxiety Sensitivity Test to know if there's a problem.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.