5 Simple Ways To 'Divorce Proof' Your Marriage

Dr. John Gottman's 'turning towards' method is a sure-fire way to protect your marriage from strain or dissatisfaction.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 23, 2024

Marriage is often viewed as the pinnacle of a deep and loving relationship. However, the reality is that many marriages end in divorce, a trend highlighted by increasing divorce rates, particularly with more women filing for divorce.

Common factors contributing to divorce include poor communication, financial strain, infidelity, lack of intimacy and gradual emotional drift. Left unaddressed, these issues can perpetuate negativity and resentment, ultimately leading to relationship breakdown.

To safeguard a marriage from divorce, proactive measures are essential to fortify the relationship. Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, known for his extensive research on relationships, identifies a powerful strategy to divorce-proof marriages: "turning towards" instead of away from your partner.

This means means actively responding to your partner's bids for connection—whether verbal or nonverbal—with genuine attention and support. Bids are attempts to connect, varying in size and form, and can manifest as an expression, a question, a physical gesture, and can be humorous, serious or sexual.

Here are five effective ways to implement this "turning towards" approach in your marriage.

1. Daily "Check-In" Rituals

A 2019 study highlights the benefits of relationship rituals, indicating that couples who regularly engage in such practices report higher levels of positive emotions, greater relationship satisfaction and stronger commitment compared to those who do not.

Establishing a daily check-in ritual can significantly enhance closeness in your relationship. Choose a convenient time, whether over morning coffee, during an evening walk or a brief chat before bedtime, and make it a consistent part of your day. Use this time to share updates on your day, discuss any concerns or simply connect on a deeper level. This routine helps both partners stay attuned to each other's lives and emotions, fostering a stronger emotional bond.

2. Active Listening

Active listening involves giving your full attention to your partner when they speak, without interrupting or planning your response. It means not only hearing their words but also understanding the emotions and intentions behind them.

Research emphasizes active listening as a critical factor in enhancing relationship satisfaction. Studies indicate that engaging in active listening activates the ventral striatum, a part of the brain's reward system, making it inherently rewarding. Additionally, activation of the right anterior insula during active listening suggests positive emotional reappraisal processes, potentially deepening emotional connections.

To practice active listening, maintain eye contact, nod to show your engagement, and use verbal affirmations like "I see" or "That makes sense" to demonstrate your understanding. After they finish speaking, paraphrase what they said to ensure you understand correctly, such as "It looks like you're really feeling overwhelmed by your workload." This approach not only validates your partner's feelings but also prevents misunderstandings and strengthens emotional connection.

3. Showing Empathy

Research illustrates how different forms of empathy influence support in relationships. For men, those adept at cognitive empathy—understanding their spouse's viewpoint in various situations—were less likely to react negatively and more inclined to provide practical help. Men who experienced personal distress when their spouse faced difficulties were also more likely to offer practical support. Additionally, men who naturally practiced dispositional perspective taking—considering their partner's viewpoint—were better at providing emotional support during interactions.

When your partner shares their feelings—whether happiness, sadness, frustration or excitement—try to understand their perspective and respond with care. For example, if they're upset about a tough day at work, instead of immediately offering solutions, you might say, "That sounds really challenging. I'm sorry you had to go through that." This response shows that you are not only listening but also feeling their emotions with them.

4. Morning And Evening Gratitude

Start and end each day by taking a moment to express gratitude for something your partner has done or a quality you admire about them. This practice sets a positive tone and strengthens your bond.

Research exploring the impact of gratefulness and indebtedness in cohabiting couples found that thoughtful gestures often elicited feelings of gratitude or indebtedness. Both men and women reported feeling more connected and satisfied in their relationships the following day when they felt grateful after these interactions, whether they were the giver or receiver.

Incorporating gratitude into your routine can be as simple as saying, "I'm grateful for your support with the kids yesterday," in the morning, and "I appreciate how hard you work for our family," in the evening. These moments can be shared over breakfast or before bedtime, creating a nurturing atmosphere and reinforcing mutual appreciation and positivity.

5. Engage In Acts Of Service

Acts of service are a powerful way to express "compassionate love" to your partner, as suggested by research. This involves deeply caring for your partner's well-being and actively supporting them without expecting anything in return.

This can be as simple as making breakfast for your partner, handling chores they dislike or running errands for them. Acts of service show that you are attentive to their needs and willing to go out of your way to make their life easier.

Being attuned to your partner could also mean anticipating their needs and offering help proactively. For example, cooking their favorite meal after a tough day, taking care of the kids to give them time alone, or fixing household issues they've been concerned about.

Consistently engaging in acts of service not only conveys your love practically but also enhances emotional closeness and mutual respect in your marriage. By integrating these gestures into your daily routine, you can foster a resilient relationship that is both strengthened and shielded from the challenges that can strain marital harmony.

Is your relationship divorce-proof? Find out by taking the science-backed Marital Satisfaction Scale.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.