4 Ways To Avoid Unintentional Gaslighting

It's easier than you think to gaslight someone without even realizing it. Here's how to avoid it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 28, 2024

Do you remember the last situation in which you were clearly in the wrong? If so, do you remember how you responded? In these scenarios, there are a variety of ways to move forward: we can simply own up, we can apologize, or, if we're feeling defensive, we might shift the focus to avoid blame. However, what we don't realize is that when we take a defensive stance, our responses may—often unintentionally—subtly gaslight the person we're trying to make amends with.

Gaslighting, according to a 2023 study from the Journal of Criminological Research, occurs when an individual (the wrongdoer) attempts to distort the reality of another (the victim)—specifically by making them feel as though they're "crazy" and that their "reactions, perceptions, memories, and/or beliefs are not just mistaken, but utterly without grounds." According to the researchers, there are five components of gaslighting:

1. The gaslighter
2. The gaslightee
3. An object or focus of manipulation
4. A reward for the gaslighter
5. A negative consequence for the gaslightee

As the study notes, gaslighting often relates to interpersonal aggression, given the complex psychological manipulation it entails. What's notable, however, is how damaging it can be—regardless of whether it was unintentional. Here's how we may, often without realizing it, gaslight others—and how we can stop ourselves from doing so.

1. "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" Gaslighting

When we hurt someone's feelings, whether it was intentional or not, we may be tempted to apologize with something like "I'm sorry you feel that way." This phrase can feel like a safe response—especially when we didn't mean to cause harm. However, this is a non-apology at best. At worst, it denies your involvement in their emotional pain altogether.

In this scenario, the object of manipulation is their emotional response. The reward for you, the speaker, is a complete disavowal of responsibility—because you're expressing regret over their feelings, not your role in causing them. The negative consequence for the other person is that their feelings are invalidated; the phrasing subtly implies that their emotions are solely their responsibility, even though those feelings arose because of your actions.

Instead of saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way," a more accountable approach is to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you," or "I'm sorry my actions caused you pain." This phrasing directly acknowledges the role you played—even if unintentionally. It shows that you're aware of the impact your behavior had, and it affirms the other person's right to feel hurt.

To take it a step further, after acknowledging your part in causing harm, follow up with an open question like, "Can you help me understand what I did to make you feel that way?" or "What can I do to make this right?" This not only invites clarity, but it also shows genuine care for the other person's emotions—rather than simply trying to end the conversation and move on.

2. "You're Being Too Sensitive" Gaslighting

It can be easy to dismiss someone's emotional reaction by claiming they're "too sensitive" when they express hurt or discomfort—especially in the case of a joke gone wrong or taken too far. This is a common form of defensiveness that minimizes victims' feelings and reframes the problem as a flaw in their emotional regulation. While it might seem like an easy way to brush off the issue quickly, it can have a lasting negative impact.

Here, the object of manipulation is their perception of the situation: you make their emotional response the problem, not the behavior that caused it. Your reward is that you're absolved of responsibility for how they feel, and the negative consequence for them is that they may begin to doubt the validity of their emotions altogether. This form of gaslighting is particularly damaging because it entirely discredits their own perceptions over time.

Rather than telling someone they're "too sensitive," a more compassionate approach is to validate their feelings, even if you don't fully understand them. Acknowledging their perspective can be as simple as saying, "I didn't realize this affected you so deeply—can we talk about why it hurt you?" To go even deeper, you could say, "I can see this really upset you, and I'd like to understand what I did wrong." It's important to be open to their perspective without immediately jumping to your own defense, which makes a response that encourages connection and resolution helpful.

3. "You're Overreacting" Gaslighting

Telling someone they're overreacting is another subtle form of gaslighting that discredits their emotions. It communicates that their reaction is disproportionate to the situation and that they shouldn't be feeling as strongly as they do. While it might seem like an ideal way to calm them down, all it does is shift the focus from resolving the issue to making them doubt their emotional responses.

The object of manipulation, in this case, is their level of emotional intensity. Your reward is that you don't have to take their reaction seriously, and the negative consequence for them is that they're left questioning whether their emotions are valid at all.

Rather than telling someone they're overreacting, it's important to honor the fact that their emotions are valid—even if you don't fully understand the intensity of their reaction. You might say, "I can see that this situation has brought up a lot of strong feelings for you, and I want to better understand why." Following this, you could add, "Can we take a moment to discuss what's making you feel so upset?" This acknowledges that their emotions are real, while also allowing you both an opportunity to explore the real reasons behind their response.

4. "You're Remembering It Wrong" Gaslighting

In situations where you and another person remember an event differently, it can be tempting to insist that your version of events is the "correct" one. However, outright telling someone that they're remembering things wrong can be unspeakably damaging. This can happen during disagreements when emotions are high, and it's often an attempt to maintain control over the narrative. While it may not be intentional, this insistence can severely damage the other person's trust in their memory—or even their reality altogether

In this case, the object of manipulation is their recall of events. The reward for you is maintaining dominance over the story, while the negative consequence for them is that they may begin to question their entire recollection of the incident.

Instead of saying, "You're remembering it wrong," it's much more respectful to acknowledge that two people can have different memories of the same event. A more empathetic approach might be to say, "It seems we remember this differently. Can we focus on how it made us both feel instead of trying to agree on the exact details?" To move toward resolution, you could also say, "Regardless of what exactly happened, I can see this has hurt you, and I want to make sure we address that." This response demonstrates that you prioritize the relationship and the other person's emotional experience, rather than "winning" the argument or asserting control over the facts.

Worried that gaslighting has made its way into your work life? Take this science-backed test to know where you stand: Gaslighting At Work Questionnaire

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.