3 Ways To Unlock The Dysfunctional Family Prison
A dysfunctional family’s ghost can haunt your adulthood. Here's how to finally move on.
By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | October 16, 2022
Dysfunctional households are breeding grounds for psychological and emotional issues – causing many people to carry troubling questions with them all of their lives, such as:
- "Why am I never able to be close or vulnerable with people I love?"
- "Why do I keep testing the boundaries of my relationships?"
- "Why am I so bad at confrontation?"
- "Why is it hard for me to believe that people can love me for who I am?"
Residual or unprocessed trauma from childhood and/or adolescence can cause bigger problems in adulthood. However, you are not destined to exist in that state of mind forever.
Here are three small steps you can take to begin your journey towards healthier life chapters.
#1. Take care of the child within
Growing up in a dysfunctional environment forces children to mature sooner than they should. An unstable home lacks healthy communication and fails to provide for the child's emotional and psychological needs.
As a result, the child learns to fend for themselves. Inevitably, they also internalize this dysfunctional dynamic and replay it in future relationships.
For instance, when you feel like your partner will leave you because you fought with them, it might be your wounded inner child reliving the trauma of abandonment.
This is why it is important to examine the emotionally stunted part of yourself. Practice kindness with yourself. Seek out therapy. Learn to forgive the child inside of you that did not receive the unconditional love and support needed to trust people at face value.
When a child acts out, you don't expect them to fix all their problems on their own. You ask them what they need at that moment and try to understand the root of their pain. Once they feel safe, you can redirect their focus toward the issue that triggered them in the first place.
'Inner child healing' comes under the larger umbrella of self-care known as self-compassion which advocates listening to yourself with patience and objectivity. Being kind to yourself instead of dismissing yourself is a great way to change the narrative that your inner child is accustomed to hearing.
#2. Rewrite your inner (and outer) dialogue
When we grow up with a twisted idea of family and relationships, we also grow up with a warped self-image. We tend to blame ourselves for things that are not our fault, indulge in self-criticism, and defend people that are hurting us.
It's hard to accept that the space you occupied in your family is not the space you occupy in the world. However, this realization can be incredibly freeing. You do not have to dismiss what you went through, but you can realize that you have more to offer.
Instead of trying to undo your experience, try to change the way you look at it. One technique you can use is to take away the permanence of your past when you describe it. For instance, you are not 'damaged goods,' you're 'a work in progress.' You are not 'weak,' you are 'learning to show up for yourself.'
Reinforcing to yourself that the past is in the past can help you take back your power. This will also keep you from making yourself and your current loved ones miserable for mistakes neither of you committed.
#3. Remember that all families are flawed
Constantly being subjected to the dysfunctionalities of your own family can make you feel isolated in your suffering. It can make you believe in the fantasy of a perfect family existing somewhere out there.
The flaws of your home can push you to turn 'fixing your family' into a personal project. This is often more harmful than helpful.
While some dynamics are more serious than others, it is important to know that all families have their ups and downs. Each family deals with its own kind of dysfunctionality. The best thing you can do is learn from your own, and others', mistakes.
Conclusion
It is hard to be optimistic about relationships when your own family has let you down. However, creating emotional and physical distance from your past – and leaving the 'perfect family' fantasy behind – can help you look at yourself and your family in a whole new light. It may even lead you to the holy grail of forgiveness.