3 Ways To Tell If You're Mistaking Intensity For Real Love

If your relationship feels like a rollercoaster, it might not be passion; it might be emotional volatility. Here's how to tell the difference.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 2, 2025

"I was broken. I felt like a shell of a woman. Lonely and desperate." These words come from a participant of a 2023 study published in Personal Relationships, which conducted in-depth qualitative interviews with 65 individuals who had survived emotionally manipulative romantic relationships marked by gaslighting.

The study found that what often begins as intense emotional intimacy, through early love bombing, excessive validation and shared vulnerability, can gradually distort a person's sense of self. The most common consequence wasn't heartbreak. It was psychological disorientation, identity erosion and what researchers called a "diminished sense of self."

"I barely felt like a person anymore," one participant explained.

Intensity in relationships involves seeking out acute, high-stimulation feelings that often stem from fear, anxiety or a desire to escape emotional numbness, not from genuine connection.

Here are three signs you are mistaking emotional intensity for passion and how to escape this damaging relationship pattern:

1. You Feel Addicted, Not Connected

Individuals in high-intensity relationships often report a persistent sense of emotional urgency, marked by constant preoccupation with their partner's moods, reactions or availability. This can include heightened anxiety during periods of distance, disproportionate relief during reunions and chronic self-monitoring during conversations.

While these patterns are frequently misinterpreted as deep romantic investment, they may more accurately reflect emotional dependency.

Survivors of emotional manipulation commonly describe becoming "hooked" on their partner's approval, to the point where their sense of self becomes conditional on that validation.

"The start of the relationship was intense in terms of emotional intimacy. We shared many details of our emotions and traumas very early, some even on the first date," shared one participant from the 2023 study.

Another noted, "At the beginning of the relationship, both parties were 'bending-over-backward' for each other."

Despite this emotional fixation, individuals in such dynamics often report not feeling emotionally understood. They may spend considerable time overanalyzing conversations, anticipating needs and trying to avoid missteps — yet still feel unseen or mischaracterized. The disconnect between their emotional effort and their partner's responsiveness frequently leads to confusion, self-blame and an intensified drive to repair or prove their worth.

This cycle can reinforce dependency rather than connection. When emotional safety is inconsistent, we may learn to equate tension with passion. However, true intimacy cannot exist without consistency, safety and mutual vulnerability.

2. The Relationship Thrives On Cycles Of Rupture And Repair

In emotionally intense relationships, connection often seems strongest immediately after conflict. The dynamic may be marked by frequent ruptures, including arguments, silent treatment or emotional withdrawal, followed by sudden closeness, reconciliation or affection.

The "best" moments are often right after the worst ones, when the pain lifts and relief sets in.

As one participant of the 2023 study explained, "Arguments started for no reason, switching rapidly to being extremely affectionate and sexual."

In such dynamics, peace and stability may feel boring, wrong even. Over time, this cycle can create the illusion that conflict is the gateway to intimacy. Couples may mistakenly believe, "This must be real, because it hurts this much."

Recent research supports this pattern. A 2025 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that individuals with high levels of love addiction, defined as compulsive emotional dependence on a partner, showed a significantly higher tolerance for gaslighting, particularly when two mediating factors were present: a strong sense of giving and diminished relationship power.

Participants often rationalized emotional volatility as devotion and, over time, came to equate sacrifice with love. As their sense of agency declined, their acceptance of manipulation increased.

In these relationships, emotional rupture becomes not just a byproduct of conflict, but the mechanism by which closeness is repeatedly reestablished. As a result, relational calm may trigger anxiety, and intensity may become the only recognizable marker of love.

3. Cruelty Is Mistaken For Emotional Depth

In emotionally intense relationships, demeaning behavior is often reframed as emotional honesty. Criticism is interpreted as truth-telling. Withdrawal is seen as a response to being "hurt too deeply." Over time, these patterns can create the illusion that volatility reflects depth — that if someone reacts strongly, they must care deeply.

This confusion is common in emotionally abusive dynamics. A 2013 study published in Violence and Victims found that degradation — including humiliation, belittlement and personal attacks — was the most commonly reported form of severe emotional abuse.

Researchers identified patterns of ridicule, emotional withdrawal and isolation, often co-occurring and reinforcing each other. These behaviors can be misread by victims as intensity or emotional complexity rather than as abuse.

When relational safety is inconsistent, individuals may begin to mold themselves to avoid conflict, earn back affection or prevent further rupture. Over time, cruelty is no longer seen as harmful but as a signal that the relationship matters — that there is something meaningful worth chasing, especially when the relationship has been positioned as unique or transcendent by the other person.

But relational depth is not defined by how deeply someone can wound you. It's defined by how they respond to your vulnerability, and whether they protect it or exploit it.

Genuine emotional depth requires safety, mutuality and accountability. Cruelty masked as insight or framed as undeniable truth—is not a marker of connection. It is a distortion of it.

How To Stop Confusing Intensity With Passion

If intensity is your default, it may be a trauma response — especially if you grew up associating pain, unpredictability or adrenaline with closeness. Intensity is not proof of real love; it's a cue to pause and examine our relational patterns. Breaking these patterns requires redefining what love actually feels like.

Here are a few questions worth reflecting on:

• Do I feel safe to be my full self in this relationship, even when I disagree or disappoint?
• Do I feel more grounded in this connection, or more uncertain?
• Am I adjusting myself constantly to avoid conflict, criticism or silence?
• When was the last time I felt truly seen, not just needed?

If you're already losing parts of yourself early in a relationship, it may be time to pause. Intensity is not passion when it's rooted in fear.

Love, care, trust and respect don't require suffering to feel real. When self-trust is shaky, emotional extremes can become the only signals we know how to follow. Rebuilding that trust helps you stop chasing love that feels unstable, and start recognizing love that feels safe.

Have you found yourself holding on to love, even when the cost is too high? Take this science-backed test to learn more about your relationship patterns: Love Addiction Inventory

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.