3 Ways To Learn Your Partner's 'Emotional Love Language'

Want lasting, satisfying love? You'll have to learn the inner workings of your partner's emotions.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 10, 2025

Love languages emphasize various meaningful gestures that strengthen relationships—flowers, date nights, words of affirmation—but what about your partner's emotional love language? This goes beyond offering gifts or quality time. It's about understanding how they process emotions, seek comfort and express their inner world.

Recognizing these deeper emotional needs builds true connection, safety and emotional intimacy in relationships, allowing you to support your partner in ways that resonate with them.

Here are three key strategies to help you speak your partner's emotional love language with depth and care.

1. Learn Their Emotional Processing Style

People process emotions differently, shaped by their upbringing, personality and past experiences. If you and your partner have different emotional processing styles, misunderstandings can arise—not out of a lack of care, but because you're unintentionally speaking different emotional languages. Over time, they may also stop expressing themselves fully out of a fear of being misunderstood.

A litany of research shows that emotional suppression can harm both individuals and relationships, leading to fatigue, lower self-esteem and reduced relationship satisfaction. In contrast, emotional expression fosters stronger connections and improves well-being. This suggests that understanding how your partner processes emotions—and allowing them to do so in a way that feels natural—can help prevent emotional strain.

Some people are "internal processors"—they need time and space to sort through their emotions before talking. Pressuring them to speak too soon can make them feel overwhelmed or defensive.

Others are "external processors"—they work through emotions by talking things out in real time. If they don't feel heard, they may repeat themselves or express emotions in waves.

Beyond timing, emotional needs differ too. Some seek solutions when they vent, wanting practical advice. Others need validation—a simple, "That sounds really tough. I understand why you feel that way."When these needs don't align, one partner may feel unheard, while the other feels like their efforts are unappreciated.

So, the next time your partner shares a frustration, instead of assuming how to respond, ask:

• Do you want advice, comfort or just someone to listen to you?
• Would you rather talk about this now or take some time to process first?

When you tailor your response to your partner's emotional needs, you create a space where they feel safe, understood and truly heard.

2. Recognize Their 'Stress' Language

Love feels effortless when life is smooth, but stress reveals deeper relationship dynamics. Just as we have different love languages, we also have different stress languages—the ways we emotionally respond when overwhelmed. If you don't recognize your partner's stress response, it's easy to mistake their behavior for emotional distance or disinterest.

At first glance, it may seem like stress responses are just personal quirks. But research suggests that these patterns are more than just habits, in that, they're shaped by how a person fundamentally approaches relationships.

A 2017 study on "approach" and "avoidance" relationship goals found that individuals who focus on approach goals—prioritizing intimacy and emotional engagement—tend to communicate stress more effectively and cope better with their partners. In contrast, those who focus on avoidance goals—trying to prevent conflict or minimize discomfort—struggle with stress communication and experience more relationship problems.

This explains why some people instinctively open up when stressed, while others shut down or lash out. Recognizing this underlying pattern can help you respond to stress in your relationship with greater empathy and less frustration.

Here's how these tendencies shape different stress languages:

• The withdrawer (avoidance-oriented): Some partners shut down under stress, becoming quiet and distant—not because they don't care, but because they're trying to avoid emotional overload. If your partner withdraws, it's not a rejection—it's a coping mechanism. Instead of pushing them to talk before they're ready, reassure them that you're there and give them space.
• The irritable partner (avoidance-oriented): Some partners may react to stress with frustration or criticism. Their irritability isn't necessarily about you—it's a sign that they feel overwhelmed. Instead of taking it personally, recognize their stress and respond with patience rather than defensiveness.
• The controller (approach-oriented): Interestingly, even approach-oriented individuals—who typically handle emotional engagement well—may become controlling or perfectionistic when stressed. Because they instinctively move toward connection, they may try to "fix" things by taking charge. Instead of resisting their need for control, offering small reassurances can help them feel more secure.

Understanding your partner's stress language through the lens of approach vs. avoidance transforms how you interpret their reactions, prevents miscommunication and strengthens emotional trust, even in difficult moments.

3. Speak Their 'Apology And Reassurance' Language

Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but what happens afterward determines how secure and connected you both feel. When conflict arises, it's not just about resolving the issue—it's about restoring emotional safety.

A 2015 study on conflict repair in newlywed couples highlights that the most effective repair attempts are those that focus on emotional connection rather than logic. Successful repair strategies—such as humor, affection, empathy and taking responsibility—mirror the different ways people seek reassurance after conflict. This suggests that how you reconnect matters just as much as the resolution itself.

Some need verbal reassurance—a clear, "I love you, and we're okay." Without this, they may continue to feel emotionally adrift. Others seek gestures over words, finding comfort in small but meaningful actions, like their partner making their favorite drink or offering a gentle touch. These nonverbal bids for connection aligning with affective repair—not just problem-solving—can shift the emotional climate of a conflict.

Some partners require physical closeness to reestablish a sense of security, and affectionate gestures in conflict repair can defuse tension. Without it, they may still feel distant, even if everything seems fine on the surface.

Then, there are those who need time and space before re-engaging. Researchers found that some repairs can happen late in the conflict but still work, and giving your partner room to process can be just as reassuring as immediate comfort—if that's what they need.

If you're unsure what works best for your partner, try this:

• Ask: "What makes you feel reassured after we've had a tough conversation?"
• Observe: As part of a repair attempt, do they initiate touch, send a text or offer a small act of kindness? This could be what they seek in return.
• Respect and reciprocate: If they offer affection, reciprocate. If they need space, respect it.

People have different reassurance languages, and using the wrong one can leave your partner feeling unsettled, even if the argument is technically over. Ultimately, it's not just about saying "I'm sorry"; it's about making sure your partner truly feels secure again.

At its core, love is about feeling seen, heard and valued—not just in moments of joy but also in times of stress, conflict and vulnerability. When you take the time to understand your partner's emotional love language, you create a relationship where you both feel safe to express your deepest feelings. The more you attune to each other's emotional needs, the stronger your bond becomes.

Is a difference in emotional love languages impacting your relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.