3 Ways The 'Peak-End Rule' Can Influence Your View Of A Relationship
Do bad endings carry more weight than happy ones? Apparently so, according to psychological research.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 16, 2024
The peak-end rule was first proposed by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, who found that people's overall satisfaction with an experience could be overwhelmingly shaped by two things: the most intense moment (either good or bad) and how the experience ended.
For example, if a vacation was filled with unforgettable days of excitement and joy, but ended on a bitter note, you might find yourself remembering it as a less-than-perfect experience. Similarly, in relationships, your most euphoric moments together and the way you parted ways may end up defining your overall perception of the relationship.
You may remember the first time your partner expressed their love for you or a magical date when everything felt perfect. These emotional high points serve as significant markers in your relationship. However, if a relationship ends in unresolved conflict, betrayal or hurt, the painful final moments can overshadow the positive memories, making the entire relationship seem less fulfilling, despite many happy and meaningful times spent together.
While the peaks and ends are powerful, they can sometimes distort the overall picture. They don't necessarily reflect the depth of a relationship, which may have included many quieter, stable moments that were just as meaningful but didn't carry the same emotional intensity.
Here are three ways the "peak-end rule" affects relationships.
1. Exaggerated Memories
If a thrilling anniversary trip stands out as the highlight of your relationship, but it ended with a difficult conversation, your memory might overemphasize that painful ending, overlooking the deeper emotional connections built in between.
This tendency is supported by research suggesting that when events deviate from expected structures, our memory adjusts to recall them as if they ended at a logical, predictable point.
According to the 2023 study published in Journal of Experimental Psychology, this can occur in two ways:
- By filling in missing details when an interruption happens just before a key moment
- By omitting important details when the interruption occurs after a scene change
In both cases, memory distorts the sequence, focusing on what fits a typical event structure, rather than reflecting the full, nuanced experience. Put simply, our need for logical and predictable patterns prevents us from sifting through and preserving memories of the good times when they are disrupted by unsavory or unexpected moments.
2. Unrealistic Expectations
In relationships, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of high points—the early romance, honeymoon phase or a memorable trip. These moments create a sense of euphoria that sets the bar for future experiences.
This can lead to the unrealistic expectation that every moment should be equally intense or near-perfect. When reality sets in and the relationship inevitably moves into quieter, more routine phases—whether it's the day-to-day rhythm of life, personal challenges or simply a shift in emotional dynamics—there can be a sense of disappointment.
However, the truth is that relationships, like any deep emotional connection, are not meant to be continuously exhilarating. They evolve, with the stiller moments often being just as important for long-term stability and growth.
3. Post-Breakup Bias
After a breakup, the peak-end rule can significantly distort how we remember the relationship. If the ending was painful, dramatic or filled with unresolved issues, those final moments are often what dominate our memory, overshadowing the many positive experiences that made up the bulk of the relationship.
This bias can create a skewed perception of the entire relationship, where the positive moments—like shared joy, laughter and connection—are minimized or forgotten, and the painful end is magnified.
As a result, it becomes difficult to see the relationship for what it truly was, leading to a heightened sense of bitterness or disappointment. This distorted memory can make it harder to achieve closure, preventing emotional healing and making it challenging to move forward. When we allow the final moments to overshadow the whole experience, we miss out on the opportunity to reflect on the relationship's full emotional range, which can be essential for understanding, letting go and, ultimately, healing.
While you can't control the intensity of certain moments in a relationship or the way it ends, there are ways to balance the peak-end rule and create a more holistic view of your romantic experiences.
- Focus on the journey, not just the destination. Instead of fixating on the peaks (the unforgettable highs) or the end (the breakup or final moments), try to focus on the entire relationship. While this may sound simple, it takes intentional effort. After all, how many meaningful changes come without challenges? Reflect on the steady moments—the shared laughs, the everyday acts of kindness, the growth you both experienced. Though they may not feel as intense at the time, these moments create the foundation for long-lasting love.
- Create positive ending rituals. If you sense that a relationship is ending, try to give it a positive closure. This could be an honest conversation about what you've learned from each other, a final shared experience, or simply parting ways with kindness. A mindful ending can help frame the entire relationship in a positive light, reducing the emotional weight that the end typically carries.
- Reframe your memories. Practice reframing your memories by taking time to think about the relationship as a whole. What did it teach you? What small moments stand out as meaningful, even if they weren't intense? By actively looking for the positive, everyday moments, you can reshape the way you remember the relationship.
- Seek balance in new relationships. In new relationships, keep an eye on balancing excitement with the quieter moments. Avoid putting pressure on yourself and your partner to constantly live up to the intensity of early dates or romantic gestures. The strongest relationships are often those that are grounded in trust, mutual understanding, and shared experiences that go beyond the peaks.
- Embrace the full emotional spectrum. Acknowledge that both the peaks and the ends are part of the larger emotional spectrum of love. Even if a relationship ends painfully, it doesn't invalidate the love and connection that existed during the good times. A 2020 study published in Cognitive Therapy and Research suggests that viewing past positive emotions optimistically can boost mental health. Those who overestimated positive emotions, rather than focusing on negative ones, reported better well-being, fewer depressive symptoms and greater resilience. Giving yourself the permission to embrace the full spectrum of emotions—both the highs and the lows—can promote healing and emotional growth.
The peak-end rule reminds us that our brains love intensity and closure, but those are just pieces of the puzzle. Relationships, at their best, are not just defined by extraordinary moments or their endings—they're about the moments in between, the routine, the joy, the disagreements and the growth.
Are you struggling to balance your focus on the peaks of your relationship? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to know more.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.