3 Game-Changing Hacks To Master Online Dating
Tired of short-lived romances from your online dating apps? Here's how to make them stick.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 29, 2024
One in ten U.S. adults has met their partner on a dating app or site, and over half of the younger population are users of such services, according to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey. Globally, there was also a 51% increase in the number of dating app users from 2016 to 2022.
These statistics suggest that online dating is on track to becoming the way people choose to meet potential partners. Yet, so many people come to therapy wondering why their matches never "click."
Why Are So Many People Frustrated With Their Online Dating Experience?
The quick answer is that many mainstream dating apps are simplistic, watered-down versions of the real thing. This creates an unhealthy environment where users learn negative dating habits like:
- An overemphasis on physical appearance
- A perpetual search for someone "better" than their current matches
- A notion that their matches are disposable commodities
These habits can erode your capacity for genuine connection, fostering a cycle where self-reflection and personal growth are neglected. When judgments are swift and options seem endless, there's a tendency to overlook our own areas for improvement. This self-unawareness can manifest as recycled, flirtatious lines that attract attention but fail to reveal our true selves. Such tactics may initially pique interest, but they wear thin quickly, leaving both parties feeling dissatisfied.
Here are three healthy habits to replace these negative ones with.
1. Be Truly Curious About Who The Person In The Picture Is
Apps are slowly but surely wising up to the idea that initial conversations people have can significantly shape the trajectory of their relationship. We see this in dating apps like Hinge, Bumble, and even Tinder, where users can select from or respond to a variety of pre-set questions or prompts to initiate conversations.
Alex Durrant, CEO and co-founder of dating app Jigsaw explains, "Rather than the first impression being an image-heavy resume, we're encouraging members to have real conversations within the app, as they would meeting new people in real life."
Rather than relying on pre-set prompts and questions, Jigsaw chooses to obscure the image of the person you are talking to with a semi-transparent glass puzzle until you have exchanged eight messages each.
An app experience that is less superficial by design seems to be a step in the right direction. A 2022 study published in PNAS found that both the universally desirable traits and unique impressions of compatibility play significant roles in the potential development of a relationship from the very first encounter. This finding emphasizes that genuine interest and engagement in those initial conversations can set a foundation for meaningful connections, potentially leading to successful relational outcomes.
2. Aim For Quality Experiences In The Real World Over Quantity Of Virtual Matches
"Seeing a plethora of people who are single in your area can encourage the thought process that there is always going to be someone better than who you are currently connecting with. A balance needs to be found," Durrant says. "If dating companies truly want people to find their missing piece, they should focus on helping single people break negative habits and experiment with different ways of presenting people to one another that aren't so intensely image-focused and don't encourage people to treat each other like commodities."
More and more individuals are now thronging to in-person dating events to seek organic and genuine connections that seem impossible on online platforms, and the numbers speak for themselves. For instance, Jigsaw's in-person dating events attracted 20000 attendees across 28 states in the last year, indicating that the serendipitous slow-burn of offline, in-person dating is back in vogue.
Users of dating apps frequently delay replying to messages to "play it cool." Such delays are impossible when you are physically in front of a potential partner, which means people tend to be more authentic in such in-person dating events.
"Such events offer an environment where casual and thoughtful conversations are encouraged and incentivized," Durrant adds.
3. Regularly Check-In With Yourself About Your Mental Health And Dating Style
A 2020 study published in BMC Psychology suggests that users of certain dating apps tend to experience higher levels of psychological distress including depression, stress and anxiety.
A growing trend among some dating apps focuses on the importance of protecting your mental health and learning from your dating experiences. Jigsaw, for example, has partnered with multiple mental health professionals to provide dating compatibility insights and coaching within the app.
Such collaborations between dating companies and mental health professionals can help you navigate the mental health consequences of online dating by guiding you to set boundaries and take well-placed breaks. It can also help you learn more about yourself and, in the process, can provide dating companies insight into what you are looking for from dating.
Maria Sosa, LMFT, therapist and relational wellness expert who works with Jigsaw says, "Self-awareness is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. It's about knowing who we are, what we value and what we're looking for in a partner. When we have a high level of self-awareness, we're more likely to attract and be attracted to profiles that resonate with our authentic selves, instead of getting caught up in the superficial aspects that often dominate the online dating scene."
Ultimately, whatever dating app you choose to use, successful online dating is about balancing your online and offline dating experiences. Dating should be a part of our lives that add value, not stress. By fostering healthy habits and curbing the unhealthy ones, we can navigate the dating world in a way that works best for us and our needs.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.