A psychological look at how calm communication can prevent defensiveness during conflict.
2 Simple Responses That De-Escalate Relationship Conflict
If your reactions aren't helping the resolution, they may be quietly fueling tension. Learn how to respond in ways that lower emotional defenses.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Last Updated:
Defensiveness is one of the most common ways partners choose to respond in relationship conflict. It often shows up automatically, before either partner has time to think. As soon as one partner raises their voice, shoots a critical comment or gives a disappointed look, it can immediately trigger responses like frantic explanations, detailed justifications or caustic counterattacks from the other side.
From a psychological perspective, defensiveness shouldn't strictly be looked at as a character flaw. More accurately, it can be termed as a threat response. When your brain interprets criticism as a risk to safety, belonging or identity, it activates protective systems designed to reduce harm. The problem is that while defensiveness may protect your self-image in the moment, research consistently shows that it escalates conflict and erodes trust over time.
Importantly, there are more effective ways to respond, even when you feel misunderstood or unfairly judged. And those responses work because they regulate threats and re-open connections, instead of protecting or suppressing your needs.
(Take my science-inspired Modern Stoic Personality Test to know if keeping calm and to the subject is easy for you in conflict.)
Why Defensive Responses Feel So Automatic
Before looking at said alternative responses, understanding why defensiveness happens so fast can help you understand their need and utility.
A 2015 study published in Biological Psychiatry shows that perceived interpersonal threat activates the amygdala and related stress circuits. This reduces access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in perspective taking, emotional regulation and flexible thinking. In simple terms, when you feel attacked, your brain prioritizes protection over understanding.
Relationship research has repeatedly identified defensiveness as one of the strongest predictors of relational distress. Renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman's longitudinal studies found that defensiveness reliably predicts relationship dissatisfaction because it blocks responsibility, empathy and repair.
Defensiveness tells the other person, intentionally or unintentionally, that their experience is not safe to express. However, the goal in conflict also shouldn't be to eliminate the threat entirely, as that, too, is a valid and completely understandable experience. The effort, instead, should be to respond in ways that reduce threat rather than amplify it.
With that in mind, here are two alternative responses to defensiveness that bring down the emotional temperature of a fight, and still help you put your point forward.
Response 1: Lead With Validation Before Explanation
One of the most effective alternatives to defensiveness is validating the other person's experience before presenting your own clarification. Remember that validation does not mean that you have to agree with what they are saying. However, if you acknowledge the emotional reality of the other person's experience, it's highly likely that they will mirror it and listen more closely to what you have to say as well.
A 2022 study found that people feel calmer and more open when they perceive their partner as understanding, even if their disagreement remains unresolved. Feeling understood reduces physiological arousal and makes problem-solving possible once again.
When someone says, "You never listen to me," the defensive impulse is to argue and fight for accuracy. However, when you lead with validation, by saying something like, "I can see why you feel unheard. That sounds frustrating," the argument doesn't splinter into fact-checking tangents. Therefore, it is only after validation that an explanation can land without escalating the conflict.
When validation comes first, explanations are more likely to be received as information, and not rejection or accusation. Without validation, explanations are often experienced as dismissal. From an attachment perspective, validation can even signal safety to one's nervous system by communicating that the relationship can tolerate emotion without withdrawal or retaliation.
For it to be truly effective, validation must always be genuine. Scripted or performative validation can backfire and create even more negativity in conflict beyond defensiveness; it can even lead to distrust.
This approach to conflict resolution requires tolerating discomfort. Validation often feels risky because it temporarily sets aside self-protection. However, it has been proven, time and again, to reduce defensiveness on both sides.
Response 2: Shift From Self-Protection To Curiosity
Curiosity helps in a fight because it redirects attention from defending your position to understanding the other person's internal experience. A 2024 study from Frontiers in Psychology shows that curiosity increases emotional regulation and reduces escalation between partners. When people ask open-ended questions, their physiological arousal decreases, making reflective thinking more accessible.
In the heat of an argument, curiosity might sound like, "Can you help me understand what made that feel so upsetting for you?" or "What did that moment mean to you?" So, it does not have to feel like an interrogation or a cross-examination. All it should do is signal a genuine interest in the other person's perspective. When partners feel mentally held in the other's mind, they are less likely to escalate or withdraw in difficult situations.
Curiosity also interrupts a common cognitive distortion in conflict, which is to assume intent. The key change curiosity makes is replacing that assumption with inquiry. But most importantly, it does so without erasing your own needs. It creates the conditions where your experience can be shared without triggering further threat.
Once the other person feels understood, the conversation often shifts naturally toward mutual accountability and repair.
Why These Responses Work
Both validation and curiosity work because they regulate the nervous system before addressing content. And this should remind us that conflict is rarely about facts alone. It is equally about emotional safety, meaning and perceived care. And conflict can only move toward resolution when one person's calm presence can stabilize another's stress response.
Responding without defensiveness does not mean accepting blame that is inaccurate, or suppressing your feelings or abandoning boundaries. Assertiveness and empathy function best when they are present together.
Both these responses are about timing: emotional safety comes before explanation, and understanding comes before persuasion. When people feel emotionally met, they are more capable of accountability and compromise. Neither of these approaches "weakens your position." Rather, they strengthen the relational foundation required for resolution.
Take my fun and science-inspired Guardian Animal Test to know if your symbolic animal guardian also represents your fight style accurately.
Do your responses in fights make your partner and relationship feel safe? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to know.