2 Defining Moments In Every Couple's Relationship Journey

Surfing the highs and braving the lows with skill and grace makes for the longest and healthiest relationships.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | November 21, 2023

A 2021 study published in the journal Frontiers In Psychology highlighted the importance of healthy communication in a relationship, not just in tense moments like a fight or an emergency but also when experiencing good times like a promotion or a romantic vacation. A partner’s response and manner of communication in these moments can lead to either higher levels of relationship satisfaction or signal the end of the relationship.

Here are two critical moments in a relationship that can impact its future.

1. How Your Partner Responds In A Fight

Research shows that arguments and communication issues are some of the leading causes for relationships ending. However, it is not only the topic of the disagreement, but also how partners communicate during the course of it that matters.

For instance, a partner's tone of voice, their tendency to interrupt or speak over the other and whether they feel belittled or that their problems are being minimized all contribute to the outcome of a conflict. Research shows that while a disagreement in itself is not harmful, being defensive, stubborn and withdrawing from a conversation can be detrimental to relationships.

In contrast, "perceived partner responsiveness," which signifies how caring, understanding and validating a partner is perceived to be, has a healing effect in times of adversity. Even during a heated argument, it is possible to maintain a respectful tone and let your partner know that you care about them, despite disagreeing with them. "Fighting right" also depends on addressing concerns without using blaming language and continuing to treat each other with respect afterwards.

Researchers further highlight the importance of "accommodation" in arguments, which involves strategies that individuals employ to resolve conflicts and restore harmony in relationships.

There are usually four types of accommodation responses:

1. Active-constructive. Partners intentionally discuss issues and actively work towards resolving problems.
2. Passive-constructive. A partner may silently forgive and patiently wait for circumstances to improve, without expressing overt disapproval.
3. Active-destructive. Here, individuals tend to criticize their partner and may even threaten to end the relationship as a response to issues.
4. Passive-destructive. Individuals ignore both their partner and the underlying problem, leading to a lack of constructive communication or possible resolution.

An active-constructive accommodation response is most likely to benefit the relationship and may include compromising or working together to find mutually beneficial solutions, engaging in active listening by paying attention to your partner's perspective, feelings and concerns while also clearly expressing your own, acknowledging mistakes and offering forgiveness and temporarily stepping away from the conflict if needed, to cool off and regroup.

With healthy accommodation, a partner attempts to respond with a positive, constructive approach and a willingness to prioritize the relationship over individual differences. When the other makes a mistake, they may resist the urge to lash out or get angry and choose to handle the situation with patience and understanding.

2. How Your Partner Responds To Good News

Sharing good news and moments of joy with a partner, known as "capitalization," can either enhance or hinder the quality of your relationship, based on their response.

A 2023 study found that feeling appreciated by a partner, which is often the result of a positive response to capitalization, also makes you more appreciative of them, as well as more responsive to their needs and more likely to stay committed to them.

Similar to accommodation responses, an active-constructive response to capitalization is characterized by enthusiasm, support and genuine interest and has the most positive impact on relationship satisfaction. It fosters feelings of perceived partner responsiveness, connection, emotional intimacy and allows individuals to experience positive events more fully through the enthusiastic reactions of their loved ones.

On the other hand, passive or destructive responses can make a partner feel ignored or underappreciated as they are either not receiving anything beyond a fleeting acknowledgement or are being criticized and invalidated. In the long run, these types of responses lead to relationship breakdowns.

Research also shows that active-constructive responses that are proactive or ask a partner to elaborate on good news and thereby amplify shared joy lead to greater sexual satisfaction whereas other types of responses were associated with lower satisfaction or even sexual distress.

When a partner shares in your joy, it signals they care about your happiness and well-being. These moments can be indicators of how much emotional space they hold for you and how comfortable they are with you in the "spotlight."

A 2022 study highlights the importance of caring for one’s own mental health to become a more responsive partner. The researchers found that people are better able to respond enthusiastically to a partner’s good news when they are experiencing positive emotions themselves.

Opportunities for capitalization interactions can be found everyday. Research shows that when your partner makes even a small attempt for connection, such as a comment, question or gesture seeking your attention or engagement, responding positively and attentively is crucial.

For example your partner may point out a beautiful flower they've noticed while taking a walk. To connect with you and share their joy, they might say "I’m so glad we went for a long walk today!" Your positive response, like mentioning a specific moment during the walk or offering to spend more leisure time together, such as "I really enjoyed it too! How about we try the new hiking trail this weekend?" acknowledges their capitalization attempt and helps strengthen your connection in a long-lasting, meaningful way.

Conclusion

Prioritizing supportive and responsive communication can help couples build and maintain healthier, more satisfying relationships. The way partners communicate during both challenging and joyous times is an opportunity for growth and expansion in relationships.

If you’re unsure whether any of the issues you’re facing in your relationship are a cause for concern, you can take this test here: Relationship Satisfaction Scale