You might feel like you’re being a caring partner — present, supportive, even thoughtful. But if you catch yourself having arguments for no reason, or are baffled by why your partner is suddenly annoyed at you, it may be due to blind spots in your own actions. Even the best-intentioned partners fall into habits that feel thoughtless to the one they love.

Here are three sneaky but common ways you might be inconsiderate with your partner.

1. Shifting Blame Without Reflecting Deeper

A relationship excels when both partners not only work together but also take accountability for when they are being inconsiderate. Suppose you and your partner go out for dinner and run into your friends. You become too involved with them, and the night that was supposed to be just for the two of you turned into a reunion.

On the ride home, your partner is visibly upset, and when they confront you about it, you shift the blame. They might say, “Tonight was awkward for me. I didn’t feel like your priority — you gave all your attention to your friends.”

That instantly puts you on the defensive, and you automatically reply, “I don’t understand, it’s not a big deal. Why are you overreacting? We can go out again sometime.” From there, the conversation spirals into an argument.

When you frame problems as only your partner’s fault, you dodge responsibility and stall real growth.

A 2022 study published in Personality and Individual Differences reported that individuals with difficulties in regulating their emotions are more likely to project, i.e., they tend to blame others for their own mistakes. This happens particularly when they are upset or feel negatively, such as frustration or embarrassment, and become defensive to shield themselves from harm, rather than out of malice.

To respond more constructively, always think before automatically going into defensive mode. Pause before responding and determine whether you really were in the wrong, and if so, then how.

Own up to what you have done and acknowledge that you have possibly been inconsiderate. You might say, “Yeah, I admit I was a bit selfish with my friends tonight. I apologize for making you feel this way and assure you it won’t happen again.” A simple apology and admission can go a long way and pave the way for actual change and growth in your relationship.

2. Having Double Standards

When you are unknowingly inconsiderate in your relationship, you end up overlooking the rights and feelings of your partner. You may expect your partner to change while excusing yourself, and this creates tension and underlying resentment in the relationship. You may think, “If they love me, they will change for the better.”

But you excuse yourself from the equation by thinking, “I am who I am, and they should love me despite it; why should I change?” Setting a double standard in the relationship that inevitably builds friction.

A 2024 PLOS ONE study surveyed more than 700 participants across three studies and concluded that when individuals feel their partners are extremely committed, disagreeable people become more likely to act selfishly, while agreeable people are more likely to be selfless.

In short, the very reliability of commitment can encourage double standards — some partners use it as a permit to put themselves first while expecting the other to continue giving.

To counter falling into such patterns, it’s best to ask yourself:

• Am I being fair with my partner right now?

• Do I hold my partner to expectations that I don’t consistently meet myself?

• Do I explain away my behavior but judge theirs more harshly?

Confronting such behaviors in oneself is difficult and uncomfortable. But these very changes are the ones that make a relationship more authentic, balanced and capable of lasting.

3. Focusing On The Reaction, Not The Issue

Forcing your own self-expression without regard for your partner’s makes it difficult for a relationship to succeed.

Suppose your partner says you did something that made them upset. To them, what you did was inexcusable, and their reaction is justified. But rather than addressing their concern, you get stuck on how they responded. You may think, “You blew up over nothing, that was uncalled for,” and the actual problem is lost in this emotional intensity.

When you dismiss your partner’s concern because of how they voiced it, you’re being inconsiderate of their feelings. Instead of focusing on the reaction, shift your attention to the underlying issue — that’s what truly matters in building connection.

When their way of communicating doesn’t match yours, the message can get lost in translation. For communication to work, both partners need to recognize and respect that they may express themselves differently.

According to a 2021 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, relationship satisfaction tends to rise and fall in sync with how much negative communication is happening between you, not so much with how much positive communication you’re having.

If couples want to feel happier, reducing negativity like arguments and criticism may matter more than trying to add more compliments or positive talk.

When you feel like there’s a barrier in how you come across and the way your partner understands you, try to see things from their perspective. Ask yourself:

• What matters to them most right now?

• Why did they react the way they did?

• If I were in their situation, how would I feel?

This helps you take your partner’s perspective into account, and rather than dismissing their concerns outright, it allows you to truly see and recognize how you might have hurt them and how to make amends together.

You may not always know when you are being inconsiderate, but looking out for these common relationship patterns can help you consciously avoid falling into them.

Are you unknowingly sabotaging your relationship by being inconsiderate? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Sabotage Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.