Many couples find themselves in a painful limbo when their marriage reaches a state of dissolution. Dichotomous experiences come to dominate. There is too much hurt to ignore, and too much uncertainty to have any hope whatsoever. It is in this fragile grey zone that the ultimate decisions about the future are made.

Sometimes people feel pressured to make quick decisions, other times people hinge on their marriage for years on end because of doubt accumulated over the years.

Conventionally, any discussion around divorce focuses on the consequences of it, with little to no attention given to the crucial decision making process that unfolds while the marriage is somehow still intact.

A recent study by therapist and scholar Shauna Fenske and colleagues, published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, sheds light on this critical window. Their study shows that “hope” can be the reliable hinge on which a relationship’s trajectory turns. Hope, then, is not wishful thinking, but an active belief that change is possible and worth pursuing.

Even modest levels of hope at early stages of relational distress significantly predict whether couples engage in sustained repair behaviors a year later. Without hope, efforts often stall. But with it, they become the building blocks of repair.

Here are four ways, according to Fenske, couples can use hope proactively to pull themselves back from the brink of divorce.

1. Recognize That ‘Divorce Thoughts’ Don’t Mean Your Marriage Is Over

One of the most striking findings of the study is that “divorce ideation” or simply thinking about divorce is far more common than most couples realize, and it doesn’t automatically signal the end of a marriage.

In fact, data suggests that about one in four spouses reports recent thoughts of divorce. Yet, as Fenske notes, many of those individuals remain open to reconciliation and actively engage in repair efforts.

These thoughts occur on a spectrum. Some people are what Fenske describes as “soft thinkers,” or spouses who feel emotionally disconnected or disengaged but are not necessarily ready to leave. Others are “serious thinkers” who face more severe challenges such as infidelity, addiction or repeated cycles of conflict. Still, across both groups, there is often a lingering desire to repair.

As Fenske puts it in our recent interview together, “Contemplating divorce does not necessarily mean a marriage is over. What is striking is that both groups still express a desire to work on their marriage.”

This reframing is critical. Too often, divorce thoughts trigger panic, shame or silence. Couples may avoid admitting them, fearing that even voicing the idea means the relationship is doomed. Therapists, too, may misinterpret these disclosures as signs that intervention is futile. Yet Fenske’s study suggests the opposite: divorce thoughts are not an endpoint, but a signal; a red flag that something needs urgent attention.

Here are some practical steps to work with divorce thoughts:

• Acknowledge, don’t shame. If either partner admits to thinking about divorce, resist the urge to dismiss or condemn the thought. Treat it as part of their lived reality — real, painful, but not final.

• Invite honest dialogue. Ask: What is making you consider this? What fears or unmet needs are behind the thought? Naming the drivers of distress opens space for understanding, which is far more productive than letting guilt or silence fester.

• Normalize the experience. Remind yourselves that divorce thoughts are common. Many couples have stood on that edge and still found their way back. Naming that truth reduces shame and restores hope.

Recognizing that divorce ideation is not the death knell of a relationship but a call to action is often the first step toward change.

2. Encourage Even A Tiny Glimmer Of Hope Early On

Hope is not an abstract concept. According to Fenske, it’s an active belief that change is possible, one that predicts whether couples will invest in “repair behaviors” like counseling, forgiveness and honest communication. Without hope, even the most skillful interventions struggle to gain traction. With it, even the smallest efforts can snowball into bigger, meaningful change.

In fact, her findings highlight that higher levels of hope at the very beginning of marital distress predicted more repair efforts a year later. “Even when couples cannot see it for themselves, having someone hold that vision of a different future can create the space for them to begin trying again,” she notes.

Here are some practical steps you can take to nurture hope early on:

• Reframe conflict. Instead of interpreting tension as proof of incompatibility, see it as feedback — “This is telling us something needs to change,” rather than, “This means we don’t work.”

• Plant rituals of hope. Start with small, deliberate acts. Perhaps a weekly check-in, making dinner together or revisiting what first drew you to each other. These rituals remind you that the relationship still has life worth nurturing.

• Borrow hope if needed. If it feels impossible to believe in change, lean on a therapist, mentor or supportive friend to “hold hope” until you can begin to feel it again. Sometimes it takes someone outside the marriage to remind you of the possibility of a different future. And this is not a sign of weakness.

3. Take Ownership Of What You Can Change

“Often, partners lower their hope by waiting for the other person to change, especially if past attempts have been disappointing,” Fenske explains But even small personal shifts matter.

A big part of hope comes from agency. Doing something, even small, rather than waiting for your partner to change first, can set in motion just the change that your relationship needs.

Per Fenske’s observation, shifting focus toward what people can do differently can help to restore hope at an individual as well as relational level. These could include working on communication, setting boundaries or nurturing emotional presence.

Listening more attentively, apologizing sincerely and softening criticism can also ripple outward. These changes not only support the relationship but also reduce the sense of helplessness that fuels despair. Every time you choose an action aligned with repair, you strengthen your confidence that change is possible both in yourself and in the relationship.

To set such change in motion, try the following:

• Experiment small. Identify one behavior you can experiment with right now. It could be anything, such as pausing before reacting defensively, or initiating a positive interaction each day.

• Set realistic goals. Keep them specific and doable. For instance, “This week I’ll express one genuine appreciation each day,” or “I’ll replace one assumption with an open-ended question.”

• Track the micro-wins. Note the subtle shifts. They count. Less tension at dinner, a moment of laughter, a warmer response — these serve as reminders of why you chose each other in the first place. Recognizing these moments builds momentum and reinforces the sense that your actions matter.

4. Make Space For Ambivalence, But Don’t Let It Freeze You

Ambivalence is often a part of shaky marital terrain. One partner may wake up determined to fight for the relationship, only to feel exhausted and doubtful the next day. This push-pull is normal, almost inevitable. But how it’s handled makes a big difference.

The first step here is to acknowledge ambivalence, rather than shaming it or treating it as a sign of weakness. “Naming and validating that ambivalence can lower defensiveness and create space for both partners to re-engage without pressure,” Fenske emphasizes.

Left unspoken, ambivalence can harden into resentment, hopelessness or emotional paralysis.

But when couples are able to admit, “I’m not sure,” they often reduce tension and defensiveness. This honesty allows them to move at a pace that feels safe while still staying engaged in the repair process.

Some strategies to make way for inevitable yet difficult ambivalence would be to,

• Name it aloud. Try saying, “Part of me wants to fight for this marriage, and part of me feels scared and worn down.” Speaking the tension out loud removes its power to silently divide.

• Normalize uncertainty. Recognize that most couples in distress feel conflicted. It doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is doomed.

• Make room for pauses. This is very important but easily forgotten. Resolution doesn’t need to come immediately. Sometimes, simply agreeing to “stay curious together” about what’s possible can be enough to keep the door open.

Of course, while hope is powerful, sometimes, despite all efforts, the healthiest path may still be separation. Use hope to approach the crisis with more clarity, intentionality and less regret. This ensures that whichever outcome you reach (repair or separation), you know you are very sure of it.

Are you struggling in your marriage or happy with it as is? Take the science-backed Marital Satisfaction Scale to gauge where you and your spouse stand.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.