Dating trends keep evolving with time. Some stick around longer than others. But the newest one has caught attention for all the wrong reasons. This trend, called “Shrekking,” has been going viral on social media. Essentially, it’s the practice of purposely dating someone you consider “below your standards.” The sole purpose of this is to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.

Psychological Drivers Behind ‘Shrekking’

There are various reasons why people might choose to indulge in this trend, despite how manipulative it appears to be.

Shrekking allows individuals to feel more secure in relationships without having to face the vulnerability that comes with dating someone they perceive as an equal or perhaps “out of their league.” In many ways, it gives the illusion of having control as well as the idea that you can avoid rejection to a great extent.

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explored how self-esteem and relational self-construal (the extent to which people define themselves by their close relationships) influence behaviors that risk rejection in relationships.

These behaviors can include expressing intimacy, sharing personal information or asking for support. Researchers found that individuals low in relational self-construal, who were more independent and had higher self-esteem, were more willing to engage in risky behaviors that increase closeness in relationships.

On the contrary, individuals high in relational self-construal (those who define themselves strongly through relationships) with high self-esteem are less willing to take relational risks, as they fear rejection could threaten the relationship.

When people define themselves strongly through their relationships, it’s likely they avoid emotional vulnerability. For them, dating someone they perceive as “below” their level can feel safer. So, shrekking is likely a strategy for managing fear and protecting self-esteem.

While it may be a defensive strategy for the person doing it, this trend can deeply harm their relationships and partners. Here are two reasons why shrekking is an especially toxic dating trend.

1. It Can Encourage Attention To Alternatives

One of the biggest risks of shrekking is how it can quietly distort the way people engage with attraction and commitment. When one partner deliberately feels as though they are “above” the other, it can create a mindset where control and validation become more important than genuine intimacy.

In these cases, feeling powerful in the relationship can even spill over into infidelity behaviors.

A 2024 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior shows that this perceived power can have real behavioral consequences. Researchers wanted to understand how perceived power in romantic relationships affects people’s mating behavior.

Researchers found that individuals who perceive themselves as having more power in a romantic relationship are more likely to show interest in alternative partners. This effect is closely tied to the sense of having a higher “mate value” than their partner.

In other words, when someone feels “on top,” they may prioritize their own desires over the needs of the relationship. Across both lab-based experiments and real-life observations, high perceived relationship power consistently predicted greater attention to or attraction toward others. This highlights how even subtle imbalances of control can influence behavior in ways that may undermine a relationship.

So, what might feel like harmless confidence or playful control can quietly set the stage for emotional distance or even betrayal. Shrekking might inadvertently encourage a mindset where one’s own desires outweigh the partnership itself.

True relationship security doesn’t come from feeling “above” someone else. It comes from creating mutual respect and balance, qualities that no viral dating trend can shortcut.

2. It Can Encourage Dominance And Control

Assuming that you are out of your partner’s league can automatically create a condescending sense of control, where you’re almost expecting the other person to be grateful or overly accommodating for you.

At first, this sense of control might feel empowering by giving you the illusion of safety and confidence, but it can slowly shift into harmful forms of relationship control.

In a 2023 study published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass, researchers wanted to understand how power and dominance interact in romantic relationships. They studied over 1,800 participants who were in romantic relationships and had them complete an initial online survey at the start of the pandemic. Participants were then contacted 10 months and 22 months later to complete follow-up surveys.

Researchers found that individuals with higher relationship power who also experienced more COVID-related stress were more likely to engage in dominance behaviors. At low levels of power, having power didn’t lead to more dominance. In people who experienced power at moderate or high levels, higher power was associated with more dominance behaviors.

When a person’s own power and stress were higher than usual, they showed more dominance behaviors during that period.

The findings highlight how power in relationships interacts with stress and personal insecurities. Shrekking can create the perfect breeding ground for this dynamic. What might begin as subtle imbalances, such as one person making more decisions or setting the pace, can, over time, slide into patterns of dominance that erode equality and trust.

Ranking Your Partner Will Not Make You Feel Secure

Power tends to be an ever-present undercurrent in romantic relationships. These dynamics don’t always come out of deliberate choice. Sometimes power shifts unconsciously, where one partner might naturally take on more responsibility, or their preferences might quietly guide day-to-day routines. Other times, it can be more intentional and overt.

The way power influences the tone of the relationship is not always obvious but impactful nonetheless. It determines whether there will be more respect and intimacy or tension and dependency.

When the balance of power tilts too far in one direction, it can create a relationship where one partner feels overly responsible while the other is overly dependent. Trends like shrekking, or any strategy that relies on control, can feel like a shield against rejection. But in reality, they reinforce the very insecurities they claim to protect.

By choosing partners based on where they stand in some imagined hierarchy, you keep teaching yourself that your safety depends on constantly having the “upper hand.” In the long run, what will happen is that even minor changes or uncertainties in the relationship might feel threatening when you’ve conditioned yourself to rely on constant control rather than on trust.

Moreover, having this imagined hierarchy doesn’t just frame how you see your partner but also becomes the lens through which you judge yourself against everyone else. You will then start measuring your own worth in terms of ranking.

The very notion of someone being “out of your league” or “beneath it” already frames relationships as competitions. When you see your partner through the skewed lens of hierarchy, you stop seeing them as an equal. You stop respecting the human being in front of you, or even seeing them for who they truly are. Because of this, many people miss out on meaningful connections with wonderful partners, all because they couldn’t see past their own insecurities.

If the goal is true connection, then playing “above” your partner is a losing game.

If one partner is always performing gratitude while the other is performing superiority, there will never be a sense of mutual respect and trust that could be built, and the relationship would start losing the essence of companionship.

Instead of falling for the illusion of confidence that comes from holding power, try doing the real work of building self-worth that doesn’t depend on comparison. When you know your own value, you don’t need a strategy to date a certain way. And, you remember to view your partner as an equal, giving them the respect they deserve. That’s where real love begins.

Wondering how well you and your partner navigate power and maintain balance in your relationship? Take the science-backed Relationship Control Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.