Why Do We Force Ourselves Into Relationships Doomed To Fail?

According to psychological research, there are three reasons why we torture ourselves by enduring terrible relationships.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 16, 2024

It is common for individuals to find themselves caught in a web of connections that they know, deep down, are not working. This phenomenon, where people force relationships despite acknowledging their inherent flaws, is a perplexing aspect of human behavior.

The impact of forcing relationships that are destined to fail is far-reaching, affecting various facets of our lives. Here are three ways they might adversely affect your life:

• They can be emotionally draining, leading to chronic stress, anxiety and even depression. They sap our energy and divert our focus away from personal growth and self-discovery.
• Socially, they may isolate individuals, entangling them in unhealthy dynamics, and distancing themselves from friends and family who may offer support and perspective.
• The long-term consequences can hinder our ability to form healthy connections in the future, perpetuating a cycle of unfulfilling relationships.

Understanding this phenomenon is crucial for anyone seeking to break free from the shackles of a doomed connection. Here are three reasons why individuals persist in relationships they know are not flourishing.

1. Fear Of Loneliness

The fear of loneliness is a powerful force that leaves us clinging to relationships despite glaring signs of incompatibility. As social creatures, humans are wired to seek companionship and connection, making the prospect of solitude daunting. This fear can drive individuals to settle for relationships that offer a mere semblance of comfort, forgoing genuine compatibility.

In this pursuit of companionship, individuals may unwittingly sacrifice their own happiness and well-being, substituting authenticity with the illusion of connection. To surmount this hurdle:

• Learn to discern between being alone and feeling lonely. One study exploring the cognitive discrepancy model of loneliness revealed that loneliness arises when individuals perceive a gap between their desired and actual levels of social involvement. Once you realize that your loneliness might be more perceived than real, you may be able to appreciate the few connections you have over the many connections you desire.
• Embrace solitude as it can be a transformative and empowering experience, providing space for self-discovery and fostering personal growth.
• Do not let your fear of loneliness dictate the trajectory of your relationships. It marks a pivotal step towards breaking free from the pattern of forcing connections that are eventually headed towards failure. Recognizing the value in being alone and understanding that true companionship arises from compatibility rather than mere proximity can liberate you from the grip of this fear and nudge you to forge healthier, more fulfilling connections.

2. Attachment Issues

Deep-seated attachment issues wield a profound influence on us, compelling individuals to force relationships that are fundamentally flawed. Whether rooted in childhood experiences or past traumas, these attachment issues create an intense yearning for validation and connection, forming the basis for unhealthy relationship dynamics. A desperate quest for approval may blind individuals to red flags, causing them to latch on to relationships that offer a fleeting sense of security, even if the overall impact is detrimental.

A 2015 study explored how attachment styles—or the ways people form emotional bonds with others—affect their love styles, especially in terms of obsessive love. The results revealed that having a more secure attachment style tends to lead to a more certain and healthy love style; whereas an ambivalent attachment style is strongly linked to obsessive love.

Addressing attachment issues demands a journey of introspection and, in some cases, seeking professional guidance. The journey toward a healthier attachment style entails:

• Unraveling the complexities of one's emotional history to understand the roots of these attachment patterns.
• Building a foundation of self-love and self-worth, independent of external validation, to break free from the compulsion to force connections that are not working.

3. Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance—a psychological phenomenon arising from holding conflicting beliefs or attitudes—can push individuals to continue investing in relationships they consciously know are not working.

When confronted with the dissonance between acknowledging the evident flaws in a relationship and an inherent desire for it to succeed, individuals might engage in mental gymnastics to rationalize their choices. This internal conflict can distort one's perception of reality, blurring the lines between what is genuine and what is merely wishful thinking.

Evidence suggests that cognitive dissonance is linked with diminished pleasure, which might ultimately result in a debilitating relationship dynamic. Overcoming cognitive dissonance therefore necessitates:

• A strong willingness to confront uncomfortable truths and a steadfast commitment to aligning one's beliefs with the stark realities of the relationship.
• Developing a robust capacity for self-reflection that allows for critically assessing motivations, desires and the overall health of the relationship.

Openly reassessing a relationship liberates us from distorted narratives, fostering personal growth through heightened self-awareness and emotional intelligence. This newfound awareness empowers clearer decision-making based on individual needs and values. Confronting cognitive dissonance head-on promotes healthier relationships, personal fulfillment and genuine connection, unburdened by internal conflicts.

Do you often choose lukewarm relationships over singlehood? Take this test to know if is a cause for concern: Fear Of Being Single Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.