The Mindset That Slowly Erodes Friendships

Friendship fades when we assume someone else should make the effort. Here's how to break that cycle.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 15, 2025

The "bystander effect" is something we all experience, often without even realizing it. It's that moment when you see an issue and think, "Someone else will handle it," so you end up doing nothing. While this behavior is typically linked to emergencies or public scenarios, it can quietly creep into our friendships too.

Picture a friend dealing with a personal crisis or feeling overwhelmed. In a tight-knit group, each person might assume, "Someone else will reach out," or "I don't want to intrude; someone else will take care of it." As a result, no one checks in, leaving your friend feeling alone and unsupported.

A 2011 study published in Psychological Bulletin explains that the bystander effect is a phenomenon where people are less likely to assist a victim if others are present. Essentially, having others around makes us feel less responsible for offering help, as we assume someone else will take action. This often results in no one taking action.

Understanding how the bystander effect plays out in these situations can make a big difference. Here are three ways these subtle dynamics influence us and what you can do to counteract their negative effects.

1. It's Everyone's Job, And No One's Responsibility

Diffusion of responsibility occurs when individuals in a group assume that someone else will take action, leading to a lack of personal accountability. In friendships, this can be particularly harmful.

Research published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience suggests that when our personal sense of responsibility erodes, not only are we less likely to do the right thing, we also don't feel as bad as we otherwise would when someone points out our wrongdoings.

When a friend is visibly upset or in distress, each member of the group may believe that someone else will step in to offer support or check on them. This assumption results in a collective inaction, leaving the distressed friend feeling isolated, unsupported and possibly even unimportant to the group.

For example, imagine a friend shares a worrying post on social media about feeling sad or overwhelmed. In a close group, everyone might see it and think, "I'm sure someone else will reach out," or "I don't want to bother them." As a result, no one takes the initiative to check on the friend, which can exacerbate their feelings of loneliness and despair.

To counteract this, don't wait for someone else to step in — take the lead and reach out yourself. A quick message or call can make a huge difference and shows your friend that they matter.

By taking action, you not only offer immediate support but also set a positive example for the rest of the group. This approach helps your friend feel seen and valued, and strengthens the bonds of your friendship.

2. You Don't Want To Make It Worse, So You Make It Worse

Evaluation apprehension is that nagging fear of being judged or embarrassed when you think about stepping in to help. In friendships, this fear can stop us from offering much-needed support, especially in sensitive situations.

Friends might hold back from giving advice or help because they worry it'll come off as intrusive or judgmental. This hesitation can result in missed opportunities to help and can lead to unresolved issues within the friendship.

For example, consider a situation where one friend is struggling with unhealthy behavior, such as excessive drinking or harmful eating habits. Another friend might recognize the issue and feel compelled to offer support or advice.

However, the fear of being perceived as overly critical or meddlesome can prevent them from speaking up. They might worry about damaging their relationship or making the situation worse by bringing it up. This fear of judgment can lead to inaction, allowing the problem to persist and potentially fester.

To overcome this barrier, focus on building a supportive and non-judgmental atmosphere in your friendships. Talk openly about how important it is to help each other out and make sure everyone knows that offering support will be appreciated, not criticized.

Encourage honest conversations about feelings and concerns to make seeking and giving help feel more natural. By creating an environment of understanding and empathy, you will feel more at ease stepping in to support each other, knowing their intentions are valued and not seen as intrusive. This will strengthen your friendship and build trust.

3. Others Know Better, But No One Does Better

Pluralistic ignorance happens when a group misjudges its own collective beliefs and attitudes, mistakenly believing they are different from those of others in the group. Even though members may feel confident about their views, they are often incorrect about their shared stance.

Here's how a 2023 literature review published in Frontiers in Psychology describes the phenomenon:

"Individual bystanders, despite being alarmed and concerned about the victim themselves, assume that their fellow (non-acting) bystanders have concluded that it was not a situation that called for intervention."

Imagine a friend has been noticeably absent from group activities and hasn't been their usual self in recent conversations. When someone notices but doesn't reach out, they might assume that the friend's absence is not a big deal or that someone else will check in.

They might think, "If no one else is mentioning it, maybe they just need some space," or "Others probably know more about what's going on." This shared misunderstanding can lead to no one offering support, leaving the friend feeling unnoticed and unsupported.

To combat pluralistic ignorance, make it a practice to regularly check in with your friends and encourage them to do the same. Promote open discussions about the importance of offering support and ensure everyone feels comfortable sharing their feelings.

By proactively asking how others are doing, even when there's no immediate crisis, you help create a supportive environment where everyone feels valued and heard. This approach not only strengthens individual friendships but also helps prevent issues from being overlooked due to assumptions of indifference.

Do you struggle with making decisions in social situations? Take The Intuitive Decision Style Scale to know your approach.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.