How To Know If A Living-Apart-Together Marriage Is Right For You

There may be a new, better way for some people to experience married life.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | June 20, 2023

Recently, the BBC featured a story about a Japanese couple who made the unconventional decision to maintain a legal marriage while living separately. Despite sharing a child and meeting two or three times a week, the video showcased how each partner embraced an individual and independent lifestyle, distinct from one another.

"The reason more and more couples choose separation marriage is because they want to maintain their lifestyle," says Hiromi Takeda, who adopted a separation marriage with her husband, Hidekazu Takeda, to "combine the benefits of both being married and being single." To Hiromi, the biggest advantage of being married is to have someone she can trust fully.

"Although we don't live together, our marriage provides me with emotional support. It's so wonderful to dream of a future, not alone but with my wife," explains Takeda.

There is scientific evidence to show that living apart together may have some specific benefits in terms of strengthening a long-term relationship. For instance, a 2019 study published in The Sociological Review discovered that living far apart and greater satisfaction with a partner can increase the desire to cohabit in the future, and provide couples with a clearer vision of what a best-case cohabiting marriage would look like.

A living-apart-together relationship is also likely to lead to different outcomes depending on the social, cultural, and personal goals of the people involved. The same study found that in countries like Romania or Bulgaria, where families are more traditional, people saw a living-apart-together relationship as a transitory stage before marriage, whereas in countries like France, where the family structure is vastly more modern, living-apart-together relationships were seen as an alternative to the traditional family structure.

Here are two things to ask yourself about your relationship before diving into this new lifestyle choice.

#1. Are you great partners, but terrible roommates?

Moving in with your partner comes with substantial changes in relationship dynamics. Many people come to therapy shortly after moving in with a partner with questions on how to manage conflicts that have to do with household tasks, expenses, and a lack of privacy.

In many cases (with a little bit of work), these conflicts work themselves out and the relationship thrives as both partners find a balance with each other and they begin to enjoy the many perks of a live-in relationship. However, there are some couples that may be far better partners than they are roommates.

Living apart together may be the right solution if you and your partner are unable to meet each other in the middle on issues like:

Do either of you have dietary restrictions or habits that cause the other partner considerable inconvenience?
Do you have conflicting ideas about personal space?
Are there any health, financial considerations, or other responsibilities that might be better managed individually rather than jointly?

If any of these considerations appear problematic rather than exciting in the context of your relationship, you may want to consider a living-apart-together relationship as opposed to a traditional cohabitation or marriage. A 2017 study published in the European Journal of Population found that relationships with older partners were more likely to thrive as living-apart-together relationships. This is likely because older individuals (when compared to younger individuals) emphasize strict boundaries when it comes to personal space and finances.

The study also found that women, who are traditionally more likely to play the "caregiver" role, preferred the autonomy that a living-apart-together arrangement can provide. While separation marriages do make the lives of women (who may otherwise have had the full responsibility of keeping the home in order) easier, traditional gender roles do tend to creep into these arrangements as well, with men saying they receive more support from their long-distance wives than the other way around.

Whatever arrangement you choose to have with your partner, ensure that your goals are aligned and that both of you have clear expectations of what this new lifestyle will involve.

#2. Are you great partners, but with different definitions of success?

The satisfaction and quality of your marriage can significantly impact your achievement of your career goals. A 2021 study published in the Journal of Vocational Behavior found that individuals who are in close romantic relationships with partners who share their career goals are more likely to achieve 'success' in their careers.

Any conflict that stems from different definitions of success can lead to stress and resentment, which can lead to difficulties in the relationship. On the contrary, if your partner supports your vision for your career and actively helps you achieve time-bound and challenging goals, you are more likely to enjoy better success in your career as well as in your home life.

It is also possible, for instance, that your partner's career may require a commitment to travel that doesn't agree with your lifestyle. In such cases, settling into a living-apart-together relationship may allow you to accommodate your partner's nomadic lifestyle while working together to make time for each other.

Conclusion

We need to understand that a successful marriage can mean different things to different people. Today, the gender roles we traditionally ascribe to men and women, parental status, and the cultural and societal background of individuals all play a role in how relationships evolve over time. What was once a marital deal breaker may now be an opportunity to evolve and adapt to the needs of modern society.