3 Ways That You Can 'Inherit A Divorce' From Your Parental Figures

Research shows that patterns leading up to divorce can be picked up by observant children.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 29, 2024

How your parents treat each other can significantly influence your development and shape your outlook on romantic relationships in adulthood. If your parents had a troubled marriage (or if they got a divorce), you may tell yourself that you are doomed to repeat their mistakes or that the concept of marriage is fundamentally flawed.

A 2022 study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy found that our perceived parental relationship quality influences our beliefs about finding long-lasting love and romantic satisfaction. Here are three ways this affects us.

1. It Guides Our Attachment Styles

In many ways, our parents' behaviors and communication styles serve as a template for our relationships. Our attachment styles with our partners are influenced by our parents, leading to either secure or insecure attachments. While children of parents with happy, supportive marriages tend to develop secure attachment styles, children of marital discord and divorce are prone to being avoidantly or anxiously attached to their partners.

Watching your parents be confident and respectful in their relationship even in the midst of arguments can teach you the importance of authenticity and open communication in maintaining a healthy relationship. On the other hand, if your childhood memories involve your parents walking on eggshells around each other or being abusive toward each other, chances are you will learn that you must adopt similar behaviors to navigate conflicts or express love, mistakenly believing that tension, avoidance or aggression are normal components of a relationship.

This can lead to the development of unhealthy coping mechanisms and relationship dynamics, such as suppressing emotions, failing to communicate needs clearly or engaging in destructive patterns of conflict resolution.

2. Skepticism Towards Marriage

Children believe what happens in their household is the norm and mirrors the world beyond it. Growing up in a house marked by constant parental strife makes it challenging to envision anything different.

When their parents' marriage results in unhappiness or divorce, children may believe that marriage inevitably leads to pain or disappointment. They might struggle to have faith in the stability of relationships or exhibit skepticism towards long-term commitments.

Parental divorce and marital troubles have negative effects on children's marital and relationship stability. These children may exhibit a positive attitude toward divorce, which means they are more likely to think of divorce as a "solution" to their arguments or fights. They are also more likely to experience lower relationship satisfaction and face an increased risk of their own marriage ending in divorce.

3. Childhood Family Dynamics Affects Our Foundations Of Love

Our capacity to give and receive love originates in our childhood experiences. A 2021study published in the Journal of Development and Psychopathology shows that a child's healthy development and well-being are directly linked to their parents' happiness, ability to communicate with each other and level of conflict.

When parents constantly argue, children end up internalizing the conflicts over time and theyare at a substantial risk of developing psychopathological problems in their adolescence. Persistent marital conflict, especially in situations where parents stay together "for the sake of the children," is associated with elevated behavior issues in children.

According to a 2018 paper published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, interparental conflicts can affect children's emotional recognition which leads to difficulty in expressing emotions. They foster patterns of insecurity and mistrust, hampering individuals from openly sharing their feelings and vulnerabilities with their partners.

What You Can Do To Break The Cycle

Without a conscious effort to rewrite our attitude towards marriage, marital instability can be passed on from generation to generation. Breaking free from this cycle can take years, but it's possible with time and effort.

One thing you can do is attack the roots of the pattern by finding and acknowledging the negative beliefs that we form during our childhood. Examples of these beliefs include:

• "I don't deserve to be loved."
• "My partner does not really care for me."
• "My partner may abandon me."

Once such beliefs are recognized, we must take complete responsibility for our behavior. In doing so, negative beliefs can be replaced with positive ones with practice. Over time, you will notice you have successfully changed your behaviors by changing the underlying belief system.

Next, practice emotional awareness and communication skills by encouraging vulnerability and open dialogue with your partner. Surrounding yourself with positive relationship models may be the inspiration and guidance you need to reshape your perspective on what a successful relationship or marriage looks like.

Finally, seek therapy or counseling to work through past trauma and develop healthier relationship patterns. Therapy can offer practical solutions and support to overcome your negative beliefs about relationships and build lasting relationships.

Unsure if your relationship is in a good place? Take the evidence-based Relationship Satisfaction Scale to gain clarity.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.