3 Signs That You're In The Middle Of An 'Emotional Divorce'

Couples don't have to be physically separated to feel the effects of a divorce. Here's how it happens emotionally.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 29, 2024

An "emotional divorce" refers to when a couple, although still legally married, experiences a significant emotional separation. This situation often precedes a legal divorce but can also occur independently.

In an emotional divorce, partners become increasingly emotionally disconnected from one another, leading to a lack of intimacy, communication or mutual support. Couples may live together but lead separate lives, with little to no shared activities, goals or interests.

In the process of an emotional divorce, research shows that a couple can experience fear, relief, sadness, anger, hope or even personal growth in varying degrees, often based on who initiates the divorce.

A 2023 study found that emotional divorces can also be associated with alexithymia—a difficulty in identifying and connecting with one's emotions—and possibly depression. These mental health impacts on both individuals and their marriages highlight the importance of catching the signs early and addressing them before they escalate.

Here are three signs of an emotional divorce:

1. A Lack Of Communication

A study published in March on late-life divorces found that emotional divorces often set in long before formal ones. Based on the participants' experiences of growing apart while still married, a lack of communication is one of the most telling signs of an emotional divorce.

Partners may stop sharing their thoughts, feelings, aspirations and daily experiences with each other. Conversations become superficial and cold, limited to necessary topics such as household chores, their children's well-being or finances.

The warmth and affection that once characterized their interactions are replaced by detachment and indifference. Non-verbal cues such as eye contact, touch and attentive body language that signify connection and affection can also noticeably diminish.

"At some point it was even cold between us. A distance began to form. We no longer had the usual topics of conversation. I focused on my pleasures, she on her work and our relationship was through the children. The divorce was essentially a final stop in a process that had started years before," says Dan, a 69 year old participant from the study, recalling the emotional divorce that took place with his ex long before legal proceedings began.

A lack of communication creates an emotional chasm between partners, making them operate more like roommates than life partners. This can create feelings of anxiety and loneliness, even when physically together.

2. A Loss Of Intimacy

In strained marriages, physical affection and sexual activity can significantly decline or cease entirely. Emotionally divorced couples also tend to experience very low levels of emotional intimacy, often due to underlying emotional disconnection, incompatibility, a lack of attraction or unresolved conflicts.

A 2021 study found that when we perceive our partners as caring and responsive to our needs, we experience greater intimacy, which can enhance relationship satisfaction. However, emotional divorces can involve the loss of a deep connection, closeness, trust, mutual understanding, emotional availability and responsiveness between partners.

After facing multiple relationship challenges without successful resolutions, spouses may become indifferent to each other's needs, feelings and well-being and stop putting effort into maintaining the relationship. This can further fuel feelings of neglect and perpetuate negative cycles of being emotionally dismissive of each other.

3. Heightened Levels Of Destructive Conflict

Emotional divorces often involve heightened levels of conflict, where couples are unable to resolve them or give up after multiple failed attempts. Over time, these unresolved conflicts foster resentment and hostility. Partners may begin to avoid each other to prevent any further friction, creating further emotional distance.

"We were dragged into endless arguments about who is right, what word was said, in what tone it was said, and what it means, and what punishment is due for it. It was exhausting to the point that in the last eight or nine years, I tried as much as possible not to talk, be in a separate room and live my life," explains Ruth, another participant from the 2024 late-life divorce study.

According to Gottman's theory of "the four horsemen" of divorce, four destructive behaviors in a conflict can signal the end of a marriage. These include criticism or attacking a partner's character, contempt, which involves a lack of respect and sarcasm, defensiveness, which entails refusing to take responsibility for one's behavior and stonewalling, which involves withdrawing and refusing to communicate.

Without open communication, misunderstandings and assumptions become more frequent. Partners may begin to doubt each other's intentions, leading to suspicion and insecurity. Over time, the emotional toll of constant conflicts and unmet needs can also lead to emotional exhaustion, leaving little room for positive interactions.

A 2018 study found that when both spouses take their problems seriously, it reduces the risk of separation. However, in emotional divorces, they may feel too worn out to do so, making reconciliation increasingly difficult.

Additionally, research shows that spouses often stay together, locked in a long period of emotional divorce because their relationships have both positive and negative elements, making it difficult to end them or to continue in the face of struggles.

Realizing that you're in an emotional divorce is not a death sentence for your relationship, but an opportunity to reflect on what you, your partner and your children, if any, would truly benefit from.

No one wins if even one partner is unhappy in a marriage. While emotional divorces can be challenging and painful, addressing the dissatisfaction is the first step towards preparing oneself to move on from an unfulfilling relationship or healing and rebuilding a stronger, more connected bond with your partner.

Wondering how happy you are in your marriage? Take this test for a science-backed answer: Marital Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.