3 Signs That Your Relationship Standards Are Too Low

Don't ever settle for less than what you deserve. Here's how to tell if you are, and what to do about it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 09, 2024

When asked if it was worth lowering one's relationship standards on Reddit, one user said, "In the short run, I'm unhappy in the relationship. In the long run, I'm unhappy with myself."

Relationship standards refer to the expectations, values and criteria that individuals hold regarding what is acceptable, desirable or necessary in a romantic relationship. These standards encompass various aspects of the relationship, including emotional, physical and psychological needs. They guide how partners treat each other, what behaviors are acceptable and what each person expects.

Relationship standards help individuals maintain healthy boundaries and ensure that their needs and values are respected. When these standards are compromised or lowered, it can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment and potentially unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Here are three signs you might be compromising more than you should in your romantic relationships.

1. Excusing Their Toxic Behavior

While relationship standards are subjective and vary from person to person, one common reason for lowering them is to manage expectations within a relationship. Initially, you might have high expectations, but over time, you may realize that perfection is unrealistic and compromises are necessary.

However, it's crucial not to compromise on fundamental values. Personal insecurities, such as low self-esteem, often drive people to lower their standards significantly, fearing that setting them too high will leave them alone or unloved.

They might make excuses for their partner by:

• Minimizing. This involves downplaying the significance of a partner's negative behavior, convincing themselves that it's not a big deal or that everyone has flaws. For instance, they might brush off frequent arguments or disrespectful comments as "normal" relationship challenges, ignoring the deeper impact these behaviors have on their happiness and self-esteem.
• Forgiving. While forgiveness is a healthy part of any relationship, it can become problematic when it's used to repeatedly excuse serious issues without addressing them. Individuals might forgive their partner for behaviors like dishonesty or emotional neglect, hoping things will improve, but without holding their partner accountable or setting boundaries, these issues are likely to persist.
• Justifying. This involves rationalizing a partner's bad behavior by finding reasons to justify it. For example, someone might justify their partner's temper repeatedly by attributing it to work stress or past trauma instead of recognizing that such behavior is unacceptable and needs to be addressed. This justification can lead to a pattern of accepting behaviors that undermine the relationship's foundation.

Each of these strategies allows individuals to lower their standards in a way that helps them avoid immediate conflict but ultimately leads to greater dissatisfaction and harm in the long term.

2. Hoping For Change

One common misconception that leads people to lower their relationship standards is the belief that they can change their partner. They may overlook negative behaviors such as inconsistency, emotional unavailability, disrespect, lack of ambition or even dishonesty, and convince themselves that with enough love and support, their partner will eventually "come around."

Instead of acknowledging who their partner truly is in the present, they focus on their partner's potential and invest in who they hope they will become.

A Reddit user shared, "I dated guy #1 for a year, then we broke up. I dated guy #2 for a year, then we broke up. I went back to guy #1 and had an on again/off again relationship for about three years. I would say I lowered my standards each time I went back to guy #1, and it wasn't worth it. I kept hoping he would change and thought I could change him, but he didn't do anything to help himself—so I left for good."

People with an incremental mindset are generally more optimistic and supportive in relationships because they believe that, with effort, their partner can change negative behaviors. However, this mindset can also lead to unrealistic expectations, which might cause frustration and distrust when their partner fails to make the promised changes.

Rather than trying to change a partner who doesn't meet your needs, it's wiser to find someone you genuinely appreciate as they are.

3. You're the Only One Making Sacrifices

A clear sign you've lowered your standards is when you're always the one providing and putting in all the effort while your partner consistently fails to meet you halfway. This often happens when people sacrifice too much, neglecting their own needs in the hope that their love will eventually be reciprocated.

Sacrifices are essential to maintain a healthy relationship, where both partners sometimes put the other's needs first. But when only one person consistently sacrifices with no reciprocity, it can drain mental health, leading to emotional exhaustion, resentment and a loss of identity, leaving them feeling empty and unvalued. "I wasn't happy, but I still tried because I wanted to give it a chance (and another and another and another). In the end, I didn't even recognize myself anymore," shared a Reddit user.

Instead of settling for a partner who sees you only as a source of temporary support, it's crucial to recognize your own worth and prioritize self-care, ensuring your needs are met. Practicing self-love liberates you from the need for unreciprocated love and empowers you to seek a relationship founded on mutual respect and shared effort.

Wondering if your relationship truly fulfills you? Take this science-backed test: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.