3 Dangers Of 'Caging' In Romantic Relationships

Slowly losing your sense of self in your relationship? Here's three reasons why you need to reclaim your agency sooner rather than later.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 20, 2025

Relationships should feel like a source of support, love and mutual growth. However, for many, they become a form of caging—an invisible barrier that slowly forms over time, trapping individuals in a cycle of self-sacrifice and emotional dependency.

This isn't always intentional. People don't step into relationships expecting to lose themselves, but in the effort to maintain peace or prove their devotion, they begin to shrink bit by bit.

The invisible cage isn't built overnight. It takes shape through unspoken compromises, the suppression of personal needs and the quiet erosion of autonomy. It happens when one partner constantly adjusts their wants and desires to accommodate the other, believing that love requires giving without limits. What starts as devotion can turn into an unconscious surrender of self.

Over time, what was once a partnership begins to feel like an obligation, a space where only one person's needs truly thrive.

Here are three ways this invisible cage can harm you in relationships.

1. You Lose Yourself In The Relationship

Self-abandonment in relationships occurs when you continuously suppress your needs, desires and identity to accommodate your partner. It often manifests as ignoring your true feelings, saying "yes" when you mean "no" and putting your partner's happiness above your own.

Over time, this can lead to a loss of self-awareness, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and emotionally drained.

This tends to happen because you don't feel safe enough to voice your boundaries. You may even absorb your partner's likes, dislikes and opinions as your own—a tendency popularly referred to as "chameleoning."

One reason people lose sight of their needs is the fear of rejection or conflict. So many of us are conditioned since childhood to believe that prioritizing ourselves is selfish, which compels us to ignore our inner voice.

The emotional toll of self-abandonment can be severe, leading to resentment, exhaustion and anxiety. When your existence revolves around another person, you risk losing the essence of who you truly are.

2. You Prioritize Your Partner's Needs Over Your Own

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that individuals are happier in relationships when their needs for autonomy (freedom of choice), competence (feeling capable) and relatedness (feeling valued and connected) are fulfilled.

When people felt their needs were met, they were more motivated to be in the relationship for the right reasons. This helped them resolve conflicts better and maintain stronger relationships.

But, if you forget to prioritize your needs in a relationship, your partner may also never know how to meet them. Neglecting your needs is a significant sign of self-abandonment.

If you often feel unfulfilled despite being in a relationship, regularly prioritize your partner's needs over your own or experience emotional burnout, you may be ignoring yourself.

Unmet needs lead to frustration and resentment. When you constantly give without receiving, frustration accumulates, eventually leading to passive-aggressive behavior or emotional withdrawal.

It's important to identify and prioritize what truly matters to you. This involves taking time to reflect on what makes you happy outside the relationship, setting small personal goals and learning to communicate your needs confidently.

3. You Fall Into The Trap Of Seeking Approval

The need for external validation can be detrimental to self-worth. When you rely too much on your partner's approval, you start losing confidence in your own decision-making abilities. Over time, this dependency erodes self-esteem, making you feel powerless without their validation.

Seeking approval also affects your boundaries. Instead of making choices that align with your values, you may compromise too much just to maintain peace.

To an extent, compromising is essential in a relationship, but when it turns into self-sacrifice, it becomes harmful. A healthy compromise involves mutual effort, while harmful tolerance means consistently sacrificing your well-being to avoid conflict.

Many excuse bad behavior out of fear of loneliness or confrontation, but allowing mistreatment only reinforces unhealthy dynamics. This is why it's important to set and uphold boundaries without feeling guilty.

If you tend to be a people-pleaser, you might find it challenging to establish boundaries due to a fear of backlash—whether real or perceived. Instead of enforcing everything at once, you can gradually communicate what bothers you and introduce boundaries over time, allowing the other person to adjust while still standing firm in your needs.

How To Reclaim Your Agency

Reclaiming your agency starts with building confidence in your own decisions. This can be done by making small choices without seeking approval, trusting your intuition and cultivating independent interests and hobbies. The more you trust yourself, the less dependent you'll be on external validation.

Many people fear conflict, but expressing your needs clearly and directly is not aggression—it's self-respect. Learning to stand your ground, calmly and confidently, can help establish healthier relationship dynamics.

Stop worrying about what others might think or say, and start focusing on how you truly feel. How would you feel if years went by without you valuing your worth or prioritizing your needs?

No one enjoys feeling trapped in a cage. No one likes to feel powerless. But if you don't advocate for yourself, you cannot expect others to do it for you. When you honor your worth, you create space for the kind of love, respect and joy you truly deserve.

Does your relationship nurture you or confine you? This science-backed test can give you the clarity you need: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.