2 Examples Of Why You Shouldn't Believe In 'Love At First Sight'

Research reveals that believing in 'the one' is nowhere near as effective as working towards ensuring your partner is 'the one.'

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 09, 2024

Relationship beliefs encompass the underlying assumptions or attitudes individuals hold about relationships and how they develop and progress over time. For instance, believing that communication is key, respect is non-negotiable, that love takes effort or that conflict is normal.

A 2024 study examined how relationship beliefs influence relationship satisfaction over time and found that couples can experience different levels of relationship satisfaction based on whether they hold "destiny beliefs" or "growth beliefs" in their relationships.

Here are the two types of relationship beliefs that influence relationship satisfaction, according to the study.

1. Destiny Beliefs

"Destiny beliefs" in relationships revolve around the notion that the course and outcomes of relationships are largely predetermined or influenced by external factors beyond individual control. For instance, this can involve believing that there is only one true soulmate for everyone and when you find them, everything will fall into place effortlessly or that "love at first sight" is real and if you don't feel an instant connection with someone, they're not the one for you.

Individuals with destiny beliefs view success in relationships as largely based on fate or innate compatibility rather than a product of sustained effort and communication.

Such individuals usually believe that relationships are either "meant to be" or aren't and that certain relationships are destined to succeed or fail regardless of the effort invested. This may lead them to enter relationships with preconceived notions about how their romantic connection should unfold.

Interestingly, researchers found that individuals with destiny beliefs tend to experience more relationship satisfaction in the initial stages of a relationship. However, this declines with time, especially when both partners have high destiny beliefs at first.

Since their romantic connection feels largely out of their control, destiny beliefs can foster a sense of passivity in relationships, which can lead to a lack of investment in nurturing the relationship.

When faced with challenges or conflicts, individuals with strong destiny beliefs may attribute these difficulties to external factors rather than personal actions or relationship dynamics. This can enable a lack of accountability and an avoidance of underlying issues, which ultimately erodes relationship satisfaction over time.

Individuals may be less inclined to actively work on resolving these conflicts or improving the relationship if they believe that its success or failure is predetermined. The discrepancy between their relationship expectations and reality can also lead to feelings of disillusionment, frustration and ultimately, decreased relationship satisfaction.

Overall, while destiny beliefs may provide a sense of comfort or certainty that certain relationships will last, they can also limit individuals' agency and ability to actively shape and nurture their romantic connections in the long run.

2. Growth Beliefs

"Growth beliefs" in relationships revolve around the notion that romantic connections are dynamic and capable of evolving and improving over time through effort, communication and mutual understanding.

This includes beliefs such as "happily ever after" being a journey, not a destination or the belief that each individual in a relationship is responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment and a healthy relationship involves two whole individuals who support and enhance each other's lives, rather than completing each other.

Individuals who hold growth beliefs are likely to view challenges as opportunities for personal and relational development rather than insurmountable obstacles. They understand that the strength of a relationship lies not in its perfection but in a couple's ability to adapt, learn and grow together.

Research shows that couples experience lower relationship satisfaction over time. However, a growth mindset seems to play an important role in altering this trajectory.

Researchers of the 2024 study found that partners with growth beliefs experienced a slower decline in relationship satisfaction with time. They also found that experiencing relationship satisfaction, in turn, fosters deeper growth beliefs.

Partners with growth beliefs are likely able maintain their levels of relationship satisfaction throughout their time together as they are more likely to adapt to changing circumstances and approach conflicts with a problem-solving mindset, focusing on finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Such individuals are also more likely to actively work on improving their relationships and invest time and effort into nurturing them. This mindset also promotes open and honest communication within the relationship. Partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings and needs, knowing that they are working towards the shared goal of prioritizing their relationship.

Growth-oriented individuals are also committed to ongoing personal and relational development. They actively seek opportunities for learning and self-improvement, both individually and as a couple. This dedication to growth fosters a sense of progress and fulfillment within the relationship.

"Those participants who endorsed more growth beliefs tended to describe the past trajectory of their relationship satisfaction as more positive than those with lower growth beliefs. Further, those with higher growth beliefs also held more often an optimistic view on the future development of their relationship," the researchers add.

Research shows that individuals with growth beliefs are more able to forgive their partners for minor offenses, show greater commitment to the relationship and hold a strong drive to preserve it. Their optimism about the future is also likely to create higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

Additionally, a 2022 study found that growth beliefs protect against the detrimental effects of criticism on relationship satisfaction and encourage partners to be more accepting of each other's imperfections, rather than wanting to idealize them, which creates a foundation of authenticity and support in the relationship.

It is essential to remember that relationships can evolve and flourish with time when both partners put in the work. By embracing growth beliefs, couples can cultivate a relationship that thrives on continuous learning, mutual growth, understanding and love as they navigate the ups and downs of their shared journey.

Is your relationship in your hands or in the hands of fate? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.