10 Common 'Marital Myths' How They Can Easily Be Debunked

Turns out, not everything we've learnt about marriage is true, and this can easily be proven.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 15, 2024

Of all human relationships, marriage stands as one that is most complex and ever-evolving. This complexity is what gives rise to the differing ideas and opinions that we hear regarding what makes a good marriage and what it takes to make it work. However, many of these beliefs are entirely mythical.

Most couples embark on their marital journeys blissfully unaware of the myths that lie beneath the surface of their union. And, without even realizing, many partners may hold strongly to these myths about marriage, believing them to be true without any scrutiny. In doing so, partners may unknowingly create problems in their marriages.

In light of this, relationship scientists have developed a tool that measures individuals' beliefs in marital myths, while also outlining the simple ways in which these myths can be debunked.

What Are Marital Myths?

According to research from Marriage and Families, marriage—being a dynamic and evolving entity—is often subjected to a myriad of misconceptions that can subtly poison the roots of a relationship. These myths, like silent saboteurs, infiltrate the minds of couples, shaping expectations and reactions in a manner that may not align with the realities of marriage.

To assess how deeply these myths take root in—and, in turn, give rise to problems within—marriages, the Belief in Marital Myths scale was developed. To use the scale, respondents indicate their level of agreement, from "strongly disagree" to "strongly agree," with each of the following statements:

1. If my spouse loves me, they should instinctively know what I want and need to be happy.
2. No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because they are my spouse.
3. I can change my spouse by pointing out their inadequacies, errors and other flaws.
4. Either my spouse loves me or they don't love me; nothing I do will affect the way they feel about me.
5. The more my spouse discloses positive and negative information to me, the closer I will feel to them and the greater our marital satisfaction will be.
6. I must first feel better about my partner before I can change my behavior towards them.
7. Maintaining romantic love is key to marital happiness over the lifespan for most couples.
8. Marriage should always be a 50-50 partnership.
9. Marriage can fulfill all of my needs.
10. Couples should keep their problems to themselves and solve them alone.

How These Myths Can Be Debunked

The Marriage and Families study effectively outlined that these ten statements have no basis in reality, nor do they have any scientific evidence supporting them. The more these myths are perpetuated, the more instability is created within marriages:

1. The first myth assumes a psychic connection between partners, ignoring the fact that effective communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Couples have to recognize the importance of expressing their needs and desires openly.
2. Contrary to the second myth, love in marriage requires continuous effort and mutual respect. It's not an unconditional guarantee, but rather a shared commitment to growth and support. Behaviors that undermine this foundation should be addressed and improved.
3. The third myth ignores that seeking change in a partner involves understanding and compassion over scrutiny and critique. Couples should embrace each other's imperfections while encouraging growth, not imposing it.
4. The fourth myth oversimplifies the complexities of love. Marriage requires effort and intention from both partners. Actions, gestures and shared experiences play a crucial role in nurturing love and maintaining a healthy connection.
5. While openness and honesty are vital, sharing every detail may not necessarily deepen intimacy in the way the fifth myth assumes. Quality communication, marked by empathy and understanding, is more important than the sheer quantity of information shared.
6. The sixth myth assumes a passive approach to relationship dynamics. In reality, changing behavior is a collaborative effort. Couples should actively engage in understanding each other's needs and work together to create a happier relationship.
7. The seventh myth perpetuates the notion that the intensity of romantic love must remain constant. In truth, love evolves by taking on different forms. Recognizing and embracing these transformations is vital for long-term marital satisfaction.
8. The idea that contributions in marriage must be perfectly equal–like in the eighth myth–can create unrealistic expectations. Acknowledging that each partner may bring different strengths at different times makes for a more flexible and supportive partnership.
9. The ninth myth proposes that a spouse should fulfill your every need, setting an unrealistic standard. Instead, a healthy marriage involves a network of support from various sources.
10. The tenth myth discourages seeking external support when needed. In reality, reaching out to trusted friends, family or professionals can provide valuable perspectives and solutions to shared challenges.

Marriage unfolds in stages, each demanding a unique yet intentional calibration of emotions, understanding and adaptability. Many couples begin their marriages unprepared, armed only with societal notions and personal expectations. To navigate these inevitable and natural ebbs and flows, partners must renounce these mythical beliefs that cast shadows on their shared path.

These myths can easily be debunked through acknowledgement of the fact that marriage is not linear, but a continually fluctuating process of growth and adaptation. Communication, empathy and willingness to understand the changing dynamics of a relationship are crucial.

Conclusion

Married couples must appreciate that love is not static; it matures and transforms over time. By actively participating in the evolution of their relationship and discarding the myths that hinder growth, couples can enjoy a marriage that sows shared understanding, resilience and devotion. In doing so, they equip themselves for both the joys of the present and the challenges that lie ahead.

If you'd like to take the Belief In Marital Myths Scale and receive your results, click here: Belief In Marital Myths Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.