How To Manage Your Emotions And Have Civil Conversations

Life coach Jeff Lipton explains how to 'sit with your feelings,' and, in turn, become a master of civility.

By Jeff Lipton | September 24, 2024

My fists clenched. My chest tightened. My heart raced. My friend had just told me who he's voting for.

When someone says or does something we object to, we have an emotional response in our bodies. The effects of this response can prevent us from engaging in a productive fashion. We can act in the heat of the moment—often driven by anger, and without proper restraint. The key to having civil conversations is being able to sit with our feelings and not act on harmful impulses.

This skill is imperative, as we struggle to interact with others about pressing issues, including which presidential candidate to support and how to respond to the Israel-Hamas war. It's also helpful when dealing with relationship and parenting matters.

It applies to us all—friends in a conversation, protesters at a rally, and politicians in a discussion. We must do something to improve our communication skills, so we can enhance our relations. The health of our society depends upon it.

How To 'Sit With Your Feelings'

By learning to sit with your feelings—which entails acknowledging and experiencing them without avoiding, numbing, suppressing, or acting out on them—you will become better at not acting on harmful impulses. This can make you a more effective communicator, which in turn can improve your relationships, personal success, and happiness.

Additionally, the ability to sit with your feelings isn't just useful when someone acts in an objectionable manner. It can be helpful anytime you have a detrimental impulse, such as to emotionally eat or shop, smoke, or abuse substances. If you would like to better manage your emotions and not act on harmful urges, I highly recommend the following method:

• As soon as you experience a stimulus that you object to, pay attention to your emotional response. Label the emotion and notice your bodily sensations and action impulses. Name the feeling, such as anger or sadness. Pay attention to the sensations in your body, such as an increased heart rate or a tight chest.
• Attune to your action impulses, such as to clench your hands or yell an insult. Note that it's okay if sometimes you can't pick a discrete label for the emotion. As you are learning this skill of looking inwards, it may be helpful when you become aware of a feeling to tell yourself the mantra, "Go to the body." This can be a reminder to shift your attention to noticing sensations and impulses. Looking inwards at your feelings can be uncomfortable. It can bring up anxiety. But the aforementioned benefits are worth it.
• As you look inwards, it may be helpful to take a conscious breath in order to give yourself a pause. Then, make sure you're breathing normally and not holding your breath.
• Be mindful, and just notice your emotional response. Try not to judge what you're feeling. Watch out for thoughts such as "I shouldn't have this feeling," "The feeling shouldn't be so strong," and "I can't handle it." Also, try not to judge your process of looking at what you're feeling. Look out for thoughts such as "I'm not noticing what I'm feeling quick enough," "I'm not doing this well," and "I should be better at this by now." If you do find you're judging yourself, just notice, and try not to judge yourself for judging.
• Try to become aware of what you feel sooner each time you have an emotional response. Practice based on feelings caused by your thoughts and the actions of others. You can practice even without an overt triggering stimulus. If you so choose, pause right now before you finish reading this article and for however long you'd like; attune to what you're feeling by naming the emotion and noticing your bodily sensations and action impulses.

Famed psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl is often attributed with saying, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response."

Noticing your feelings and sitting with them, in conjunction with taking a breath, helps create the space—which then gives you the power to choose your response. You can still choose to act combatively (either against your best judgment or for strategic reasons), or you can choose to act civilly.

Emotions As Motivators In Challenging Social Situations

It's fine to act. It's fine to challenge another's thoughts. Many times, it's better than fine—it's necessary for a healthy society. But it's often better to act in an intentional manner rather than impulsively, driven by an emotional response.

It's important to note that emotions aren't the problem. The problem is when emotions cause you to act on harmful impulses. As emotions arise, try to notice if you get anxious—as this anxiety can further trigger you to act on detrimental urges.

Emotions aren't orders or actions; they are information. And you can use that information to help you choose how to act. Try to understand why you're experiencing certain emotions and what message they are telling you.

Emotions can be great motivators. The key is to act on beneficial motivation:

1. When you choose to act, try to cultivate a genuine curiosity about why someone has certain beliefs. Tell them you're curious. Ask questions. Seek to learn. Seek to understand.
2. You don't have to agree with someone, but try to understand where they are coming from. Try to understand their rationale. Truly wonder why they think the way they do. Don't assume you know.
3. Try to be disarming—it's not an interrogation. Really listen to what they have to say. Be mindful of your judgmental thoughts.
4. Don't dismiss what they're saying just because you disagree and/or are emotional. Feel free to challenge what they're saying. Tell them why you disagree, but don't be personal. Remember, you're interacting with a fellow human.

Being aware of your emotional response isn't just something to do before your initial reply. It's useful to notice what you're feeling throughout a conversation—but you want to make sure that you're taking in what the other person is saying and not missing it because you're so focused on observing your emotions.

You'll improve over time at being able to deeply listen while noticing your internal response. And you will get better about intuitively knowing when to attune to your feelings as you're listening. I liken this to knowing when to check your rearview mirror while driving.

As you're learning, you develop a sense of when to look, and the process becomes more automatic. The act of checking the mirror doesn't hinder your ability to continue driving straight ahead just like how checking in with your emotional response won't hinder your ability to listen to someone.

As you engage with another person, you will have feelings in response to what they're saying and how they're saying it. You may also have feelings about how the conversation is going. If you keep acting civilly and the person you're interacting with continues to offend you, you may feel frustrated. Sit with that frustration and don't give in to the harmful urges that come with it. If the person you're engaging with is acting in a disrespectful manner, you may want to let them know and tell them how you want to be treated.

The Beauty Of Civility

In the past, my anger during triggering conversations may have led me to act in detrimental ways. Now that I have practiced sitting with my feelings, I'm better equipped to interact skillfully. After I noticed my emotional response to my friend telling me who he's voting for, I asked a series of questions to help me understand his choice.

I learned what issues he prioritizes above all else. I learned whom he thought would be best for those issues and why. And I was angry. And I disagreed. And it's okay that I was angry. And it's okay that I disagreed.

But through this dialogue sparked by anger, I came to a better understanding of what matters to my friend, why it matters to him, and what he thought was the best course of action for his desires to become actualized. I got to know him better. The fact that we could have this type of difficult conversation enhanced our relationship. A conversation in which we vehemently disagreed brought us closer together.

This was able to happen because I recognized what I was feeling by naming the emotion and noticing my bodily sensations and action impulses, thereby allowing me to overcome my initial reaction of wanting to act on detrimental urges, and giving me the space to choose to ask curious questions in an effort to understand.

After our conversation, I reflected on how sitting with difficult feelings and not acting on harmful impulses can create a sense of pride and growth. I reflected on how knowing that you can control your actions is empowering. And most importantly, I reflected on how we as individuals must take it upon ourselves to do the right thing, the hard thing—and engage as our best selves.