A Therapist Suggests Two Ways To Be More Mindful In Your Relationship

Mindfulness isn't just about meditation. It can also be a game-changer for your relationship.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | December 15, 2022

Many couples come to therapy when they feel disconnected from their partner, who once was their closest confidant and companion. They ask questions like:

"I feel like I have forgotten how to communicate with my partner. Why do we feel like strangers?"
"I want to make my partner happy, but they constantly expect me to read their mind. How do I get to know my partner's needs better?
We have been married for 20 years, it feels like we know everything about each other. How do I keep my excitement alive when I feel like there is nothing left to discover about my partner?

Even the best relationships go through periods of stagnation. Sometimes, when rough patches go unaddressed, we can unknowingly lose touch with our partner. We stop caring about what makes them happy, take our relationship for granted, and settle into a state of relationship paralysis.

When our relationship is suffering, we arbitrarily make decisions to 'give our partner space' or wait until the distress blows over. However, many psychologists will argue that such stressful times are the true test of one's commitment.

This does not mean you have to make grand gestures of your love or make great sacrifices. When it comes to your closest relationships, it's the little things that matter. And, according to research, incorporating the philosophy of mindfulness into your relationship and sex life can get you back on track.

Here are two ways to introduce mindfulness into your romantic relationship and sex life.

#1. Mindful partnering

According to psychologist Tasha Seiter, a relationship between two mindful partners is one where both partners feel cared for, fully seen, and heard. This creates a positive 'giving' feedback loop in the relationship, wherein both partners derive satisfaction from what they bring to the table instead of what their partner does for them.

Seiter's research defines the five key characteristics that make up a mindful relationship:

Presence reflects how carefully and diligently you direct your attention and action toward your partner. It dictates whether your partner feels seen and heard.
Emotional awareness is your ability to understand your partner's emotional state. You don't have to be a mind-reader to be emotionally aware – your curiosity and empathy will suffice.
Nonreactivity in conflict refers to your ability to take a pause in the heat of conflict. It makes sure that your responses in tough situations are rooted in logic, not spite or anger.
Compassion for your partner ensures that you always take their perspective into consideration. It also leads to a cycle of mutual support.
Compassion for yourself can pull you out of situations like downward spirals and relationship burnouts. When things go wrong, being kind to yourself can help you feel whole so you can continue to contribute to your relationship.

A well-rounded, interpersonally mindful relationship can improve your life in many ways, including improving your physical health. If you struggle being vulnerable and present in your relationship, here are three steps that you can take, according to Seiter, to improve:

Develop presence by tuning in with your partner. Ask questions, get curious about their answers, and generally pay more attention to them. It isn't uncommon for people to discover new and interesting things about their partners even after 10 or 20 years of being in a relationship.
Practice emotional awareness with yourself and your partner. Instead of trying to ignore or react to your feelings (like anger, sadness, or jealousy), take a moment to analyze them objectively and share them with your partner honestly.
Cultivate greater acceptance and compassion in your relationship. No relationship is free from conflict and misunderstandings. After a certain point, we cannot control whether our relationship will go through troubled times or not, but we can control if we talk about our differences gently and compassionately to resolve them.

#2. Sexual mindfulness

Sexual mindfulness can be seen as a natural extension of relationship mindfulness. The same principles of awareness, curiosity, and presence – when incorporated into your sex life – can do wonders for anyone who might perceive their 'spark' to be fading.

Psychologist Chelom Leavitt defines a sexually mindful person as "someone who can slow down, be aware of sensation and arousal, and, instead of being judgmental, be curious about their own feelings and arousal and their partner's feelings and arousal."

Her research, published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy, reported that people who practice sexual mindfulness experience an elevation in their relationship. The benefits one can derive from sexual mindfulness are not limited to the bedroom. Apart from perks like heightened intimacy, more frequent orgasms, and better physical functioning, couples also experience better overall communication and emotional intimacy.

For anyone who might be struggling with sexual mindfulness, Leavitt has the following advice:

"Try to let go of self-judgment and recognize that your partner is attracted to more than just your body — they love your sense of humor, your ideas, and emotions," she explains. "Talk about your insecurities and authentically make a plan together to try to eliminate these distractions. Emotional intimacy is the goal of sex."

Leavitt explains how people can sometimes lose sight of the beauty of shared emotions and genuine vulnerability when having sex in order to attain the artificial goal of orgasm. If you find yourself rushing to the end when having sex, here are some questions to help you ground yourself:

How does my partner smell or taste? What is the temperature and texture of their skin? What does their voice sound like?
How do I feel when I am touched?
What thoughts arise in me when I am in my partner's embrace?

Being mindful when having sex can be used as a way to slow down time, especially if you are innately anxious and find it difficult to savor the pleasure of the experience.

Conclusion

The principles of mindfulness can help a person work on themselves, their relationships, and their sexuality. Incorporating the smallest of its elements can set you on a path to reap great rewards in the future.