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4 Ways To Implement The '90-10 Rule' In Your Relationship

Most fights in relationships originate from places you wouldn't think they do. Here's how the '90-10 rule' teaches us this.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 17, 2025

Not every argument is about what it seems. One moment, it's about an unanswered text or a sink full of dishes. The next, it's a full-blown fight, leaving you wondering—"How did we get here?"

The truth is, most conflicts aren't really about the surface issue being discussed. According to the "90-10" rule of conflict, only 10% of fights stem from the immediate problem, while 90% are driven by deeper emotions—unmet needs, past wounds and unspoken fears. When we focus only on the trigger, we miss the real issue and the same arguments continue resurfacing.

So, how do we break the cycle? It starts with understanding what's really fueling the conflict—and learning how to address what's beneath, not just what's on the surface.

The Superficial Trigger Vs. The Emotional Undercurrent

At first glance, most conflicts appear to be about surface-level issues—forgotten tasks, unreturned texts or a lack of effort in the relationship. These triggers make up only 10% of the argument and seem to have simple solutions: listen more, plan more and be responsive. Yet, despite attempts to fix these behaviors, the tension often remains.

This is because the real conflict isn't about the action itself—it's about what that action represents on a deeper emotional level. A missed date night might trigger feelings of being unimportant. An ignored conversation might bring up past experiences of feeling invisible. These emotional undercurrents—which make up 90% of the conflict—stem from unmet emotional needs and relational insecurities that need to be addressed.

Research analyzing violent altercations among incarcerated women found that seemingly trivial disputes were actually about dominance and establishing a social hierarchy. When roles and status were unclear, minor disagreements escalated into battles for control.

While romantic relationships should never involve physical violence, the psychological mechanism is similar—conflicts over small things often mask deeper struggles for validation, autonomy or emotional security.

For example:

When someone says, "You never listen to me when I talk," what they might really mean is "I feel unheard and unimportant. I need to feel valued in this relationship. This reminds me of times in my past—whether with parents, friends or previous partners—when I felt invisible."
When someone says, "Why can't you ever plan date nights?" what they might actually be saying is: "I want to feel pursued and special. When I always have to take the initiative, I feel like I'm the only one trying and that makes me question my importance in this relationship."
When someone says, "You're always on your phone when we're together," what they might really feel is: "I don't feel like a priority. I'm worried that I'm competing for your attention and losing."

The problem is that these deeper fears and emotions are rarely voiced directly. Instead, couples argue about the 10%—the surface complaint—because it feels safer than admitting vulnerability. And because the root issue remains unspoken, the same conflicts resurface in different forms, leading to a cycle of frustration and misunderstanding.

Breaking The Cycle

Once you recognize that most conflicts are not about the immediate issue but about underlying emotional needs, you can change how you approach disagreements. Instead of just reacting to what was said, try to uncover what was meant. Instead of getting stuck in surface-level arguments, here's how to shift the conversation to what really matters.

1. Identify the root emotion before reacting. Before responding, pause and ask yourself: "Is this really about what just happened or is it triggering something deeper?" Research published in Psychological Science discusses the "name-ease" effect, which suggests that labeling a concept makes it feel clearer and more important. The same applies to conflict—naming the real emotional issue helps both you and your partner process and address it more effectively. For example:

If you're upset about your partner leaving dishes in the sink, is it just about the dishes? Or is it about feeling like you do more work in the relationship?
If your partner didn't text you back, is it about the text, or is it about feeling unimportant or rejected?

By identifying and naming the core emotion instead of focusing on surface complaints, you make the issue more understandable and actionable, leading to resolution instead of an escalating argument.

2. Express the deeper feeling, not just the complaint. Instead of saying: "You never help around the house," try saying: "When I handle everything alone, I feel overwhelmed and unseen. I need to feel like we're a team."

Similarly, instead of: "You don't care about me," try: "When I don't hear from you, it makes me feel disconnected. Can we find a way to stay more in touch?"

By shifting from criticism to vulnerability, you make it easier for your partner to hear you without becoming defensive.

3. Recognize patterns instead of isolated incidents. If you and your partner keep having the same argument in different forms, it's time to look for patterns. Ask yourself: "What is the repeated feeling I keep experiencing in this relationship?" For example:

If you always argue about small household tasks, the deeper issue might be that of feeling unappreciated.
If fights often start after social situations, you might have underlying anxiety about how your partner perceives you.
If disagreements often stem from texts or phone use, it could be a fear of disconnection.

Once you identify the core issue, you can address the root cause rather than playing whack-a-mole with different triggers.

4. Approach your partner with curiosity, not assumptions. When conflict arises, instead of assuming "They don't care" or "They're being selfish," try asking questions. Say things like:

"I noticed we keep arguing about this—what do you think is really going on?"
"Can we talk about what's underneath this fight?"
"I want to understand your side—how do you feel about this?"

Curiosity fosters connection, while assumptions create distance. A 2012 study shows that curious individuals are more open, playful and non-defensive—traits that strengthen relationships.

Curiosity allows for tolerance of uncertainty, helping partners explore conflicts without fear or judgment, which makes resolution easier. Approaching conflict with curiosity—not to be right, but to understand—creates a space where both partners feel heard, valued and emotionally secure.

In essence, conflict isn't necessarily about the issue—it's about the emotion behind it. When you shift from blame to understanding, you break the cycle of repeated fights and find real solutions. So, next time tension rises, pause and ask, "What's this really about?"—because that's where resolution begins.

Do your arguments feel like déjà vu—different details, same fight? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to gain insight into where your relationship stands and the emotional patterns driving your conflicts.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.