4 Ways To Find Your Soulmate On A Dating App

To make online love stick, all you need to do is follow these four simple, research-backed steps.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 19, 2024

Online dating can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, from the excitement of a new match to the frustration of a conversation that fizzles out. Even though this process can feel like an endless cycle of swiping, messaging and disappointment, there's reason to stay hopeful.

In a 2023 study published in Communication Research, author Liesel Sharabi conducted 50 in-depth interviews with individuals who had met their fiancé or spouse online. She examined the dating processes that led to long-term commitment and found that relationships that begin online typically progress through four distinct stages before culminating in marriage.

Here are the four stages of successful online dating, according to the study.

1. Putting Yourself Out There

The first stage of online dating involves deciding to take the plunge, experimenting with various platforms and likely experiencing multiple failed attempts before finding the right match. Participants described often feeling stuck in a "download-and-delete" cycle.

"I would download the app and then delete it for a little while. Then I'd download it again and then I'd delete it for a little while. I would get really discouraged by how it was going and I would just be like, you know what? I'm done with this. This is making me feel bad," explains Kaitlin, a participant from the study highlighting the struggles of her online dating journey.

For some, this process involves matching with dozens, if not hundreds, of people before identifying someone compatible. Interestingly, participants found that the process of filling out profiles and engaging with a diverse dating pool helped them date more intentionally and clarify what they were looking for in a partner.

"It really helped me hone in on what I wanted out of relationships, because I would have to think about that. So, I'm actually putting thoughts to what I want out of a partner, and then basically saying I'm not even going to bother with somebody who doesn't meet these criteria," says Tanesha, another participant from the study.

2. Initiating An Online Relationship

The initiation of a relationship online is heavily influenced by the tools and cues provided by dating platforms. However, participants also maintained a sense of agency, interpreting algorithmic suggestions within the context of their own preferences and values.

"If they'd only answered like four questions and we got 100% (compatibility), then I really didn't put much stock into it. Now, I remember she answered like 50 questions, and so I knew there was a lot of compatibility," says Joseph, a participant describing why he chose his current partner.

Participants frequently prioritized visual elements in their partner's profile, using pictures not just to gauge physical attractiveness but also to infer personality traits and lifestyle compatibility, which helped them envision what their partner might be like in real life.

One participant, Jadyn, mentions that her partner's pictures "were not self-involved. It was not like, 'Here's me in a cutoff t-shirt and all my muscles showing.' It was just like, 'Here's me with my dog' and 'Here's me fishing.' From the beginning, he seemed very genuine." This helped her feel more confident in initiating a connection.

Additionally, many participants took their time before meeting in person, using features like likes or winks to gauge interest and build rapport. Most reported waiting an average of 28 days before meeting face-to-face. This allowed them to feel more at ease, leading to deeper, more honest exchanges.

"It was a little easier to ask questions about him, because in person sometimes it's a little nerve wracking. You don't want to ask; you don't want to overstep," says Harper, a participant highlighting how communicating online helped build a strong foundation of intimacy with her partner before they even met.

3. Transitioning To An Offline Relationship

The third stage marks the pivotal moment where a couple meets for the first time in-person. It is often accompanied by a mix of excitement and anxiety about whether their partner will live up to their expectations.

"You can have a picture in your mind of what this person's like, and you can kind of have an idea, but you don't know if you're just dreaming of that or if it's fact," explains Colette, an interviewee from the study.

For most participants, however, their partners either met or exceeded their expectations. Having realistic expectations for the first date helped them avoid disappointment and focus on the potential of the relationship. The first date became a significant milestone, solidifying the bond they had developed online.

"I think it just became real. We had talked practically every minute for those 10 days. By the time I met him I already felt like I knew him. He felt the same way," explains Sierra, another interviewee.

4. Nurturing The Relationship

In the final stage, rather than instantaneously determining compatibility based on superficial attraction, participants gauged it gradually as they spent more time together, through repeated interactions and shared experiences. They also emphasized the importance of observing their partner's behavior over time, how they handled challenges and how their values aligned.

"I needed to see his interaction with me, and how he treated other people and just have consistent experiences with him over time," explains Mariyah, an interviewee.

Based on this, many users decided to delete their apps and commit exclusively to one person. "Once I started talking to him, the other people just kind of faded into the background," explains Bethany, another participant.

While these relationships start in the digital world, their success depends on how well couples navigate the transition offline. The journey from matching on an app to walking down the aisle is not without its hurdles—great relationships take time, patience and consistent effort. However, for those willing to invest in this process, they can be truly worth the wait.

Dating online can be beneficial, but are you wondering if you've been overdoing it? Take this test to receive a science-backed answer: Problematic Tinder Use Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.