3 Ways To Be Kinder To Yourself And Stop 'Self-Rejecting'

If you're more self-critical than compassionate, here's how you can easily break your cycle of self-rejection.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 04, 2024

Many individuals encounter moments in life when it seems like their own mind is working against them. Intense feelings of self-doubt, self-criticism and self-sabotage can feel as if your brain is picking you apart.

It's as if our thoughts betray us, undermining our confidence and self-worth. This internal struggle permeates daily life, leading to constant self-questioning, doubts in decision-making and procrastination driven by fear of failure. Social interactions may become anxiety-inducing due to fear of judgment or ridicule, gradually eroding self-esteem and fostering feelings of isolation and despair.

The consequences of this phenomenon extend across various life domains, hindering career advancement, intimacy in relationships and personal fulfillment. If left unaddressed, it can contribute to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Here are three strategies you can try to combat a negative spiral of self-rejection.

1. Personify Your Inner Critic

According to Michael White, co-founder of narrative therapy, "externalizing conversations shift the focus from blaming the person to addressing the problem itself." Essentially, when you personify your inner critic, you give form to the negative thoughts that often plague your mind. Imagine it as a distinct character, complete with its own name, traits and even physical appearance to solidify its existence. This separation allows you to view your thoughts objectively, recognizing them as projections of a separate entity rather than reflections of your true self.

Visualize your inner critic standing before you, spewing its usual barrage of criticisms. By externalizing these thoughts, you gain control, seeing them as background noise rather than internal truths. Engaging in playful dialogue with your inner critic further diminishes its power over you. Challenge its motives and assumptions, highlighting your strengths and accomplishments.

Through these interactions, you begin to dismantle the stronghold of your inner critic, weakening its authority over your self-esteem and self-worth.

Personifying your inner critic empowers you to control your thoughts and emotions, pruning your inner dialogue. This process promotes self-acceptance, resilience and inner peace.

2. Create A Self-Appreciation Scrapbook

A tangible reminder of your worth and accomplishments can help combat your inner self critic. Creating a self-appreciation scrapbook can actively nurture a positive self-image and reinforce your sense of self-worth. Here's how to begin:

• Reflect on positivity. Take time to sift through your memories, recalling instances of pride, accomplishment and joy. Whether monumental milestones or small victories, these experiences underscore your strengths and resilience, shifting focus away from perceived shortcomings.
• Personalize with purpose. Infuse your scrapbook with elements that reflect your identity and values—inspiring quotes, personal reflections and designs that mirror your unique personality. Tailor it to your aesthetic sensibilities, creating a cherished keepsake that celebrates your individuality.
• Visualize confidence. Use your scrapbook as a visualization tool during moments of self-doubt. Keep it accessible, flipping through its pages to evoke memories of joy and self-assurance. Let these moments reinforce your inherent value and resilience.
• Celebrate growth. Regard your scrapbook as a testament to your ongoing growth and progress. Update it with new entries that reflect your evolving journey, celebrating milestones and achievements along the way. As you peruse its pages, reaffirm your belief in your capacity to overcome obstacles and thrive.

3. Practice Reverse Mentoring

Reverse mentoring presents a unique strategy to counter internal self-doubt by emphasizing external support and contribution. Rather than succumbing to negative thoughts, this technique encourages individuals to mentor someone above their level of expertise or someone younger or less experienced, such as a coworker, sibling or friend. By providing guidance, encouragement, and advice, both parties benefit profoundly.

Research illustrates how it successfully cultivated self-awareness and positive identity formation in law students through reciprocal relationships with staff.

As mentors, individuals gain fresh perspectives on their struggles through reverse mentoring, reaffirming their skills and boosting confidence. Witnessing the impact of their mentorship reinforces their value, counteracting feelings of self-doubt. Additionally, reverse mentoring fosters mutual empowerment and meaningful connections, providing fulfillment and purpose that transcend self-rejection.

Experiment with each approach to see what resonates most with you and don't hesitate to adapt them to suit your unique needs and preferences. Remember, the journey towards self-acceptance and resilience is a deeply personal one and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Embrace your individuality and trust in your ability to navigate through challenging times with creativity and resilience.

Is your inner critic rejecting your capacity for excellence? Take the Impostor Syndrome Scale to know if it's a cause for concern.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.