3 Things To Do If Your Partner Hurts You

Has your partner betrayed you? Here's three things to consider to help you process it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 07, 2024

Betrayal by a partner can shatter your sense of the world, leaving you grappling with deep emotional wounds. As suggested by research published in the journal Behaviour Research and Therapy in 2010, betrayal can cause deep distress, leading to shock, grief, self-doubt and anger, often resulting in life-altering changes and mental health issues like anxiety and even PTSD.

If you or someone you know is navigating the emotional debris of a romantic betrayal, here are three crucial steps that might help process the trauma and rebuild trust.

1. Acknowledge The Trauma, Don't Ignore It

When betrayal strikes, the pain is often overwhelming—making it hard to acknowledge the trauma and easier to brush it aside. Ignoring your feelings might seem like a way to avoid further pain, but unresolved emotions can manifest in more destructive ways—such as anxiety, depression or trust issues in other or future relationships.

According to an August 2018 study, people who pursue trauma-informed care showed improvement. Trauma-informed approaches in mental healthcare focus on understanding and addressing the root causes of mental distress by asking "what happened to you?" instead of "what is wrong with you?"

This means shifting the focus from blaming or judging a person for their behaviors or struggles to understanding the experiences and trauma that may have caused their distress—eventually reducing the risk of "retraumatization."

It isn't just advisable to face your feelings head-on after a betrayal, it is a requirement. You have to give yourself permission to grieve, feel angry or even feel numb. These emotions are completely valid and are a part of the healing process.

For instance, consider someone who discovers their partner has been unfaithful. The initial reaction may be shock and disbelief, but it's essential to move beyond denial. Acknowledging the betrayal allows you to start processing what happened, which is the first step toward recovery.

2. Reframe The Narrative

One of the most damaging aspects of betrayal is that it might seed the belief that it reflects a personal flaw, which is rarely the case. Reframing the situation to understand that betrayal is about the other person's choices—not your worth—can be empowering.

Betrayal often triggers negative emotions like vengeance or self-criticality, which can worsen your well-being, even if you know it wasn't your fault. By recognizing that the betrayal isn't about you, you can separate your identity from the actions of others and heal without unnecessary guilt or shame.

For instance, if a partner cheats, it's common to question yourself, asking, "what did I do wrong?" or "am I not enough?" Remember, betrayal often stems from the betrayer's issues, such as fear of intimacy, emotional immaturity or personal vulnerabilities.

A 2005 study published in Psychological Science found that taking a self-distanced perspective—thinking about why the event happened rather than getting caught up in the emotions and taking it personally—helps people process their feelings calmly and find closure. This approach allows you to reflect on the experience without reigniting intense negative emotions. By changing how you interpret negative events, you can reduce emotional distress and foster a healthier path to recovery.

3. Disconnect And Reconnect

After betrayal, it's natural to feel a mix of anger, sadness and longing for the relationship that once was. However, continuing to dwell on these emotions can trap you in a cycle of pain.

Instead, it's vital to disconnect from the feelings you have toward the person who betrayed you and redirect that emotional energy toward others who support and care for you. What hurts the most in this entire scenario is distrust and abandonment. Hence, it is advisable to reconnect with people who are still with you.

Social re-connection is "lifestyle medicine," as suggested by a 2015 study published in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. It may also accompany many physical and emotional benefits, including maintaining a healthy weight, controlling blood sugar,easing depression and improving overall mental health by mitigating post-traumatic symptoms.

These connections provide a new source of emotional fulfillment, reinforcing the understanding that not everyone will betray you. For instance, spending time with a close friend who has always been there for you can help rebuild trust in relationships, reminding you that reliability and loyalty still exist.

Disconnecting doesn't mean repressing emotions—it involves consciously choosing to distance yourself from the person and the associated pain. This can be done through activities that help you refocus, such as pursuing hobbies, engaging in social activities or even seeking professional therapy. The goal is to gradually replace the space the betrayer occupied in your life with positive influences.

Remember, the betrayal says more about the betrayer than it does about you. Through these steps, you can start rebuilding your emotional strength and find a path forward that leads to a more resilient, confident and fulfilled self.

Does a past traumatic separation still cause you distress? Take the science-backed Breakup Distress Scale to know where you stand.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.