3 Reasons To Stop 'Thera-Posing' In Your Relationship

You're a partner, not a therapist. Here's why acting like one could be harming your relationship.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 28, 2025

"Therapy speak" is everywhere—from social media captions about setting boundaries to friends casually mentioning "emotional triggers" over coffee. In dating, it can feel like everyone is suddenly an expert on attachment styles and inner child wounds. But when this language is used as a mask rather than a reflection of true self-awareness, it slips into something called "thera-posing."

Thera-posing refers to adopting therapy jargon to appear emotionally evolved without necessarily doing the inner work required for it. On the surface, it sounds impressive—who wouldn't want a partner who talks about emotional regulation and healthy boundaries? But beneath the buzzwords, thera-posing creates emotional distance, driving true intimacy away.

Here are three ways thera-posing can push potential partners away.

1. Date Nights Feel Like Therapy Sessions

How would you feel if you went on a first date and, within minutes, they declare, "Oh, you're totally avoidantly attached," or "That sounds like unresolved trauma"? While self-awareness is great, turning a date into an impromptu therapy session can feel intrusive and impersonal, making the other person feel analyzed rather than understood.

When thera-posing dominates dating conversations, emotional exchanges can quickly shift from genuine to clinical. Instead of fostering intimacy, these moments start to feel like mini therapy sessions, where feelings are dissected and labeled rather than simply heard.

This mirrors a larger cultural trend: the rise of therapy-speak in everyday life. The public's acceptance of psychological terms has made mental health conversations more mainstream—a positive step in reducing stigma. However, this widespread use also leads to frequent misinterpretations and oversimplifications.

For example, conversations can quickly shift from meaningful to clinical with phrases like:

• "I get that you've been through stuff, but that doesn't mean you can trauma dump on me"—when someone tries to be vulnerable about a tough experience.
• "Don't gaslight me—I know exactly what happened"—during a simple disagreement, even when it's just a matter of differing perspectives, not manipulation.

When these terms seep into dating conversations, they can turn genuine emotional exchanges into clinical assessments. Instead of listening with empathy, people begin labeling behaviors, often pathologizing normal disagreements or moments of vulnerability.

It creates a performance of emotional maturity rather than authentic connection. In these moments, dates stop feeling like opportunities for intimacy and start to resemble therapy sessions. You may also notice that feelings are analyzed and diagnosed rather than simply experienced.

2. Therapy Buzzwords Can Diminish Emotional Depth

Before therapy language went mainstream, people expressed emotions more directly—without labels or complex terms. Feelings in dating were often simple and heartfelt. Now, thanks to TikTok trends and self-help posts, many daters lean on therapy-speak, using terms like "trauma bonding" or "love bombing" without fully understanding them.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the core of strong relationships is built on "perceived partner responsiveness"—the sense of being understood, valued and supported.

The study also revealed that people with "compassionate goals"—who genuinely aim to support and understand their partner—create positive cycles of emotional responsiveness, deepening connection.

In contrast, those more focused on how they are perceived in the relationship may struggle to foster the same depth of intimacy, as their attention shifts from genuine engagement to self-presentation.

In dating, thera-posing often starts before the first word is spoken. People arrive with labels already in mind—"I'm emotionally unavailable" or "They're definitely a narcissist"—shaping impressions before any real connection forms. Simple behaviors can also get overanalyzed through therapy buzzwords.

These misapplied terms strip interactions of nuance, turning genuine human moments into diagnoses. Instead of encouraging connection, thera-posing creates barriers, reducing complex emotions and behaviors to oversimplified labels that push potential partners away.

3. It Helps People Deflect Personal Responsibility

Thera-posing often relies on misused psychological terms to rationalize behaviors instead of promoting accountability. A 2015 study published in Frontiers in Psychology highlights how ambiguous or misapplied psychological jargon can blur understanding and dilute meaningful self-reflection.

When someone says, "I have an avoidant attachment style, so I shut down," or "It's my trauma response; I can't help it," to justify unhealthy relationship behavior, they're not showing emotional maturity—they're likely sidestepping responsibility. By pathologizing normal relationship dynamics, thera-posing creates a buffer that prevents true emotional growth and connection.

This behavior mirrors a psychological dynamic known as "weaponized incompetence," where individuals feign an inability to avoid responsibility. In the context of thera-posing, it's less about pretending not to know how to do something and more about using self-diagnosed labels as an excuse to avoid personal growth.

Instead of working through an avoidant attachment style or learning to manage trauma responses, people use these terms to justify emotional shutdowns and poor communication. While self-awareness is crucial for emotional maturity, it loses its value when it becomes a shield against accountability.

How To Avoid Thera-Posing In Your Dating Life

Thera-posing often masquerades as self-awareness—recognizing and labeling trauma, triggers and emotional patterns—but genuine self-awareness goes deeper. It's not just about identifying past wounds or knowing your attachment style; it's about how you navigate those insights in real-time connections.

If you want to avoid falling into the trap of using therapy-speak as a shield, here are some ways to cultivate genuine emotional intelligence and intimacy in your relationships.

1. Match words with actions. It's easy to talk about emotional boundaries, but trust builds when actions follow. Say what you mean, and follow through. If you value boundaries, respect others' too—like giving someone space when they ask for it.

2. Skip the jargon. Instead of leading with "That triggered my abandonment issues," say, "I felt hurt when you said that." Speaking plainly helps your date connect with how you feel without making it sound clinical, distant or blaming.

3. Notice patterns and work on them. Move from "I'm avoidant" to "Even though trust is difficult for me, I'm working on it." If you tend to pull away emotionally, be upfront—"I notice I distance myself when I get overwhelmed, but I'm trying to be more present."

4. Listen to understand. When someone opens up, focus on understanding—not labeling. Let them feel heard, not analyzed. When a date shares something vulnerable, respond with empathy—"That sounds really tough, I'm glad you shared that"—instead of "That sounds like a trauma response."

In dating, genuine connection isn't about always saying the right things—it's about showing up as your authentic self. Real emotional intelligence isn't found in perfect labels or polished jargon; it's in how you listen, how you show empathy and how you take responsibility for your emotions and actions.

So, the next time you're on a date, try letting go of the therapy-speak. Be present. Be real. Because meaningful connections aren't built on buzzwords—they're built on honesty, vulnerability and the courage to be seen for who you truly are.

Curious whether therapy-speak could be affecting your relationship satisfaction? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.