2 Ways To Shake The 'Hesitator Mindset' In Your Love Life

Unsure of how to find the love that you crave? The 'hesitator mindset' could be holding you back from taking action.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 03, 2025

Many people put love on hold, telling themselves they'll start dating once they feel more confident, land a better job or get in better shape. This is what behavioral scientist and dating coach Logan Ury calls the "hesitator mindset"—the belief that they need to reach some imagined version of "readiness" before putting themselves out there.

The truth is, love isn't something we must earn by becoming a "better" version of ourselves—it's something we experience by being open, taking chances and embracing the process as we are, right now.

Here's what causes the hesitator mindset, and why we tend to get in our own way in love.

The 'Intention-Action Gap'

Many people intend to find love, but they often don't follow through because of the gap between their intentions and actions. While we may consciously decide to start dating, our behavior may be driven by unconscious routines or delays—like waiting for the "right time"—which keeps us from taking real steps toward love.

This hesitation isn't just about busy schedules or a lack of opportunities—it's a form of procrastination rooted in wanting to protect oneself from self-doubt and a fear of vulnerability.

It's easy to believe that once certain life conditions improve, dating will feel easier or more natural. But in reality, this thinking may lead to decision paralysis—a state where the idea of taking action feels overwhelming because the timing never seems quite right.

Common excuses often sound like:

• "I'll start dating when I get a better job."
• "I need to lose weight before I feel confident enough."
• "I should move to a nicer place first."

While these concerns may feel valid, they can turn into endless delays. Ironically, this mindset often creates a gap between our intentions—to find and nurture love—and our actions of engaging with potential partners.

A 2019 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science shows that when people cultivate a sense of readiness for commitment, they not only become more committed over time but also display healthier relationship behaviors. They engage in greater self-disclosure and use less destructive conflict responses.

Feeling ready means you're more likely to open up, communicate better and handle conflicts constructively. In other words, readiness isn't about being perfect; it's about being mentally prepared to take the necessary steps toward building a loving relationship.

By embracing a mindset of readiness, you close the "intention-action gap." Instead of endlessly postponing love until life's conditions seem ideal, you allow yourself to act on your intentions.

Here are two ways to overcome the hesitator mindset and welcome the love you deserve.

1. Rewire Your Thinking To Be 'Someone That Dates'

One of the biggest shifts in overcoming the hesitator mindset involves moving from wanting to date to identifying as someone who dates. Instead of thinking, "I should start dating," try embracing the mindset of, "I am the kind of person who dates."

This subtle yet powerful shift can help you reframe dating as a natural part of your life, rather than something you need to force yourself into when you're presented with the right circumstances.

Self-affirmations can play a crucial role in this transformation. You can repeat to yourself statements like:

• "I am open to romantic possibilities."
• "I am someone who enjoys dating experiences."
• "I deserve love as I am right now."

These affirmations help combat self-doubt and rewire subconscious beliefs, reshaping how you perceive yourself and your readiness for relationships. This shift in thinking influences how you confidently show up in your dating life—a concept known as the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Research published in Psychological Science suggests that such self-affirmation can improve our insecurities about relationships and reinforce positive social behavior, which can enhance one's dating life. This mindset is transformative. Believing you're someone who dates leads to actions like saying yes to dates, joining dating apps and being more open to new connections.

These choices reinforce your identity as someone who deserves love, creating a positive feedback loop where actions and beliefs strengthen each other. The key is to stop waiting to feel ready and start acting as if you already are.

2. Take Small Steps To Break The Hesitation Cycle

Many people think they need to feel ready before they date, but in reality, action often precedes motivation. Begin with small, intentional actions to break free from the hesitator mindset. Rather than waiting for the perfect moment, embrace low-pressure interactions. This generates positive momentum and confidence. For instance, you can consider:

• Attending casual social outings. Say yes to relaxed gatherings.
• Engaging in conversations. Chat with new people without setting high expectations for what comes next.
• Setting achievable goals. Aim for simple targets, like going on one date a month, to ease into the process.

When using dating apps or exploring such social opportunities, try to let go of overthinking—not every interaction has to lead to something serious. Focus on building momentum by celebrating small wins, such starting a conversation and going on a date.

Every chat or outing is a step forward, regardless of the outcome. In fact, in every moment you engage with new people, embrace curiosity about others or simply allow yourself to be seen, you are actively creating the conditions for love to flourish.

Additionally, instead of viewing rejection as proof that something is wrong with you, reframe it as redirection—a sign that the connection wasn't the right fit, not a personal failure.

The truth is that there's no right way to be completely "ready" for love—waiting for the perfect moment often means waiting forever. The secret to overcoming your fear of finding love is to take action first and trust that your self-belief will catch up.

Instead of striving for an ideal version of yourself or the perfect circumstances, focus on taking one small step today—whether it's starting a conversation, saying yes to an invitation or simply shifting your mindset to be more open to new love. No major life overhaul is required—just the willingness to begin.

Is the hesitator mindset hindering you from savoring your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.