2 Ways To Avoid One-Sided 'Labor' In Your Relationship

Emotions can carry a heavy weight in a relationship. Here's how you and your partner can work on sharing the load.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 26, 2024

"Hermeneutic labor," a term coined by Ellie Anderson, refers to the effort expended to decode ambiguous signals inherent in interpersonal interactions. Similar to how a scholar meticulously analyzes dense texts, individuals in romantic partnerships often find themselves immersed in the challenging task of deciphering the meaning behind their partner's words, actions and emotions.

Anderson's study also distinguishes hermeneutic labor as a distinct form of care labor that encompasses understanding and expressing one's own emotions, decoding those of others and devising solutions for relational issues arising from interpersonal tensions.

This labor manifests in various forms, from unraveling the subtext of seemingly innocuous comments to grasping the complexities of a partner's emotional state. Differences in communication styles, past experiences and individual perspectives further obscure intentions and emotions, intensifying the laborious nature of interpretation.

Consequently, prolonged hermeneutic labor can burden people, leading to feelings of frustration, exhaustion and even resentment. The constant mental effort required to navigate communication nuances can deplete emotional resources and strain intimacy bonds.

To mitigate the often lopsided nature of hermeneutic labor and cultivate a more balanced partnership, consider these two strategies.

1. Redistribute Emotional Labor

Rather than assigning sole responsibility for decoding and managing emotions to one individual, both partners can share the task of supporting each other's emotional well-being. To initiate this process of redistributing emotional labor within relationships, put deliberate effort into challenging traditional gender norms and expectations. Here are three concrete ways:

1. Shared decision-making. According to a study, collaborating and making decisions jointly with a partner empowers individuals by fostering feelings of agency and influence. Additionally, this collaborative decision-making enhances levels of relationship satisfaction, with partners feeling valued, respected and empowered to contribute to important choices that affect their shared lives. Thus, rather than relying on one partner to make all emotional decisions, such as planning date nights or resolving conflicts, both individuals should share equal input and responsibility.
2. Mutual emotional support. Instead of relying solely on one partner to always be the caregiver or comforter, promote a reciprocal exchange of emotional support. Both individuals should feel comfortable expressing vulnerabilities and seeking solace from each other, creating a nurturing environment where emotional needs are met with understanding and empathy.
3. Active engagement in emotional discussions. Open and honest communication about emotional topics ensures that both partners actively participate in discussions. Rather than having one partner take the lead while the other remains passive, advocate for both parties to engage actively in exploring their emotions, addressing concerns and collaboratively working towards resolutions. This inclusive approach validates each partner's experiences and cultivates a deeper understanding of each other's emotional worlds.

2. Practice Perspective-Taking

According to a study, perspective-taking is a critical mechanism through which emotional repair influences positive relationship outcomes. For instance, those who engage in greater perspective-taking tend to demonstrate higher levels of understanding and consideration for others' viewpoints. This enables constructive conflict resolution, fostering a positive relationship dynamic, including easy forgiveness for past transgressions.

So, instead of quickly jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about your partner's thoughts and feelings, adopt a deliberate approach to perceive the world through their eyes. By metaphorically stepping into your partner's shoes and gaining insights from their unique viewpoint, you can cultivate a profound sense of empathy and compassion. This practice lays the groundwork for forging deeper emotional bonds and mutual understanding within the relationship. Here's how you can start this transformative journey:

1. Active listening. Active listening entails giving your partner your undivided attention, free from interruption or distraction. This practice allows you to genuinely hear and comprehend your partner's perspective by closely attending to their words, tone and non-verbal cues. Demonstrating genuine interest and attentiveness creates a safe space for your partner to express themselves openly and honestly.
2. Suspend your judgment. It's imperative to refrain from making assumptions about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Instead of reacting immediately based on your own interpretations or biases, approach your partner's perspective with an open mind. By setting aside preconceived notions and allowing room for uncertainty, you can create an environment where your partner feels validated and understood.
3. Seek understanding. Make a conscious effort to understand the underlying motivations and emotions driving your partner's behavior. This may involve asking clarifying questions, showing genuine curiosity and empathizing with your partner's experiences. Demonstrating a readiness to explore your partner's viewpoint further conveys that you respect their feelings and are committed to building mutual understanding.

While hermeneutic labor may be an inherent aspect of romantic relationships, it doesn't have to be a solitary burden. You can navigate the complexities of communication with greater ease and grace by exerting conscious effort.

Wondering if you are comfortable sharing the labor of love with your partner? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale Test to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.