At some point in relationships, it’s common for couples to slip into autopilot mode. This can be especially true for long-term couples. This happens slowly, when routines take over and conversations start sounding the same. Daily life may feel more about managing tasks than actively connecting with each other.

On the surface, everything can seem like it’s just fine. You go to work, share meals or watch your shows together, but beneath the comfort of routine, unhappiness can quietly start to build without realization.

The danger is not the routine or the comfort of just being with each other. The issue is in the mindset shift that may happen as a result of being on autopilot. When partners start assuming they already know each other inside out, effort naturally decreases. This decreases curiosity in the relationship, and everyday can start looking all too similar because there seems to be nothing new to explore.

Small but significant gestures like complimenting the other person, asking curious questions or making intentional time for closeness may often be replaced by assumptions like “they already know how I feel about them.”

Bigger efforts, like planning a date night or doing something special just to surprise your partner can also fade away under the belief that it’s unnecessary.

You might think that you see each other every day, so what’s the point? Forgetting that these very efforts, both small and big, are important to keep the connection alive, especially if you’ve been together for a longer time.

These assumptions create a gradual erosion of intimacy. Eventually, the effort that once made love grow in your relationship may fade. Both partners might slip into doing just enough to keep the relationship alive, and on some days, perhaps not even that.

This way, unknowingly, unhappiness slides in ways that are easy to miss. That’s why it’s important to notice the subtle clues that signal your partner may be feeling less fulfilled than they let on.

Here are three clues to understand if your partner is unhappy in your relationship.

1. Conversations Start Lacking ‘Open-Ended’ Questions

One of the most subtle but dominant signs that unhappiness may be creeping into a relationship is when partners stop asking deeper or curious questions. Conversations may start shrinking to logistics — “Did you pick up the groceries?” or “Did you do the dishes?”

This kills the opportunities for emotional connection and getting to know each other as time passes. Even if you think you know your partner all too well, you would be surprised to witness the new ways you could watch them grow and the depth of their feelings on the day-to-day.

In a 2012 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers wanted to understand whether self-disclosure (sharing personal information) or receiving it (listening to someone else’s self-disclosure) creates more positive impressions in new interactions.

They recruited pairs of unacquainted undergraduates and had them complete a structured self-disclosure task. In the first interaction, one student was randomly assigned to disclose. The other was assigned to listen.

In the second interaction, they switched roles. So, both participants got the chance to be the discloser and the listener. Results showed that after the first interaction, the listeners reported more liking and greater closeness, accompanied by more positive impressions of their partner compared to the disclosers.

Once participants switched roles and both had the chance to disclose and listen, the differences disappeared. The initial imbalance, essentially, leveled out when both shared. Listening was also linked to greater perceived similarity; that is, listeners felt they had more in common with the disclosure.

It’s important to keep in mind that life can feel mundane if you let it slip by, and relationships are no different. Curiosity and novelty aren’t just for the early phases but are equally important for sustaining connection over time.

When you commit to someone, it’s not just about learning everything about them in the initial phases. People continually grow and evolve, and the same is true for your partner. Maintaining curiosity will allow you to witness the beauty of the person they become over time, preventing emotional stagnation in the relationship.

2. They Increase ‘Passive Resistance’ Instead Of Open Disagreement

Sometimes the signs of disconnection are found in what isn’t happening. Your partner might stop following through on small commitments, delay decisions or subtly avoid certain conversations.

These actions don’t always feel like conflict. However, they do shift the rhythm of the relationship. Over time, the repeated pattern of quiet withdrawal can create a sense of distance even when it does not seem so outwardly.

This can be best explained as a “demand–withdraw” dynamic. One partner in such a dynamic pushes for discussion or resolution (they “demand”). The other partner may retreat or disengage (they “withdraw”).

A meta-analysis of 74 studies involving over 14,000 participants found that this pattern is moderately associated with negative outcomes for both communication and relationship satisfaction. Interestingly, the pattern was even stronger in already distressed couples. This suggests that passive resistance can amplify relational strain when unhappiness is already present.

The research also showed that, in heterosexual relationships, this affects both genders similarly. Whether it’s wife-demand/husband-withdraw or husband-demand/wife-withdraw, the impact is the same. Even small acts of withdrawal, delayed responses, unfinished tasks or subtle avoidance can have a huge impact on the sense of connection for both partners.

These small, passive behaviors are signals of underlying dissatisfaction.

So for instance, if your partner repeatedly delays responding to messages, “forgets” to confirm plans or disengages during routine conversations, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being deliberately difficult. It can be a sign of passive withdrawal.

Rather than confronting them with frustration, try addressing the behavior through collaboration and small shared actions. You could schedule a short weekly check-in to coordinate plans, divide responsibilities clearly or invite them to make small decisions together. For instance, you can take initiative to connect and ask them “Which day works best for a dinner out?” and make sure you both follow through.

These gestures encourage participation without triggering defensiveness. Eventually this can gently break the cycle of withdrawal and keep communication flowing.

3. They Stop Using ‘We-Language’

The way couples talk can be surprisingly telling about how connected they feel. The words your partner uses to communicate can be more significant than you might know. Happy partners naturally tend to talk in terms of “we.” For instance, “We should try this new restaurant” or “Our weekend plans are set.” This signals shared identity and collaboration.

However, if your partner often slips into “I” and “you” statements, such as “You need to take care of this” or “I don’t want to deal with that today,” it can subtly signal a focus on separateness rather than togetherness.

This is backed by research published in Psychology and Aging. The study essentially highlights that couples who used more we-words, like “we” and “our,” experienced more positive interactions, lower stress and higher marital satisfaction.

On the other hand, couples who used more separateness words, like “I” and “you,” were shown to engage in more negative emotional behavior and lower satisfaction.

The takeaway is not to nitpick every word or read too much into casual remarks. It’s simply a pattern to notice when it starts happening consistently and a little too often.

The shift may be small. You might barely notice it in daily conversation but over time, along with other subtle signs, emotional connection can reduce tremendously. And you might find yourself asking, “Where did the spark go?”

To address this, you do not have to attack your partner or argue with them to change the words they use. The language is just an unconscious byproduct of emotional distance. Instead, you move your focus to building connection through collaboration.

You can gently reinforce “we-ness” in everyday moments. Begin with the smallest of actions: ask how your partner has been feeling, share your own thoughts or experiences, plan something together, tackle a problem as a team or celebrate shared achievements. This can signal collaboration and attention toward each other. These can gradually strengthen a sense of partnership.

Relationships aren’t static. They quietly grow or drift with the choices you and your partner make each day. Even when it feels like you’re on autopilot, you’re still making a choice whether to stay attentive or let the distance grow.

So, you may think your relationship is just going with the “flow,” but doing nothing or choosing to ignore the subtle signs of disconnection allows unhappiness to quietly settle in.

Do you find that your partner is still being open and responsive with you? Take the science-backed Perceived Responsiveness Scale to see how understood and supported you feel in your relationship.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.