A Psychologist Gives The Feeling Of 'Not Being Together Even When You're Together' A Name
The distance you're feeling with your partner could be relationship 'jet lag.'
By Mark Travers, Ph.D.
September 25, 2022
By Mark Travers, Ph.D.
September 25, 2022
Mark Travers, Ph.D., is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, responsible for new client intake and placement. Mark received his B.A. in psychology, magna cum laude, from Cornell University and his M.A. and Ph.D. from the University of Colorado Boulder. His academic research has been published in leading psychology journals and has been featured in The New York Times and The New Yorker, among other popular publications. He is a regular contributor for Forbes and Psychology Today, where he writes about psycho-educational topics such as happiness, relationships, personality, and life meaning. Click here to schedule an initial consultation with Mark or another member of the Awake Therapy team. Or, you can drop him a note here.
A new study published in the academic journal Couple and Family Psychology attempts to understand why being in a relationship can feel like a daily limbo of transitioning between phases of separation and union. The study tries to decode this 'relationship jet lag’ and offers insight into how couples can develop the agility to deal with it.
"For many of us, these transitions happen every day," explains psychologist Danielle Weber, lead author of the research. "If you live with your partner, you experience a transition when you reunite with your partner after a day at work and you will transition again the next morning when you leave your partner to go to work."
Whether you’re feeling too mentally caught up in work to focus on your partner or an argument with your partner is keeping you from focusing on your work – according to Weber, in both these cases, you might be experiencing relationship 'jet lag,’ or the feeling that you and your partner are in traveling in different time zones and are not quite synced up.
Such transitions feel even bigger and more significant for couples in long-distance relationships.
"I think relationship jet lag can happen when for whatever reason we are not quite ready to be in that new phase," explains Weber. "Sometimes we want to stay where we are and we don’t want to transition. Sometimes we want to, but there’s a challenge relevant to the current task that is hard to let go."
After following couples through a period of reunion and/or separation phases, Weber’s study produced the following results:
- If the upcoming state is one that is less appealing to you in some way, it will be harder to make that transition and it will result in more negative emotions soon after making the transition.
- Separation is much harder for long-distance relationships.
- People naturally vary in how comfortable and natural they feel being by themselves or being with their partners, which affects the experience of 'jet lag’. (For instance, a naturally independent person may experience resistance moving into a reunion phase.)
- Your degree of relationship satisfaction also contributes to the degree of relationship 'jet lag’ you experience.
According to Weber, you can do a number of things to prepare yourself for relationship jet lag or even reduce it. These include:
Become aware of what makes you 'lag.’ It's important to know yourself and when transitions are easier and harder for you. Once you have that awareness, if you know that an upcoming transition might be hard for you, it may be helpful to intentionally think and act in ways that will make the transition easier.
Normalize feeling 'jet-lagged’ (especially in long-distance relationships). Research shows that some period of readjustment after separation may potentially be common in long-distance relationships. Be patient with yourself and know that if you’re taking more time to get back into your individual routine, that does not make you needy or codependent. It might just be part of the process.
A full interview with psychologist Danielle Weber discussing her research can be found here:A psychologist explains what it means to have 'relationship jet lag’
