This psychology-informed guide debunks common myths about sensible love and explains why it's a deeply fulfilling way to connect.
3 Myths We've Been Told About Settling In Love
Is choosing a partner 'on paper' really a mistake? Psychology shows it's an emotionally intelligent approach that builds lasting connection.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Last Updated:
Sensible love is often spoken highly of in online and offline discourse. It has been packaged and sold to us as the grown-up version of romance, characterized by steadiness, rationality and predictability. This narrative of unfailing safety and support can be very appealing, especially to the ones looking to put down roots.
For the "serious" ones, "sensible" might sound like safety, especially if they've been through a string of heartbreaks, even more so if they were chaotic. For these individuals, "sensible love" comes with the promise that nothing will hurt that badly ever again.
However, there's one major problem that many people who pursue sensible love often don't see coming: enduring dissatisfaction. Unlike their previous experiences, it doesn't feel devastating as there is no drama involved. But the constant sense of dullness can lead to loneliness.
This isn't to suggest that sensible love is inherently flawed as a concept. The problem arises when it gets distorted as an experience and is stripped of psychological depth while mislabeling that restraint required to endure it as "wisdom." Here are three of the most persistent lies we've been told about sensible love, and what research actually indicates instead.
1. Sensible Love Should Feel Calm All the Time
One of the most commonly held beliefs in our collective imagination is that if a relationship is healthy, it should feel peaceful all the time. This expectation also makes sense intuitively. We wouldn't want to feel chronic anxiety, volatility and emotional unpredictability in our relationship.
However, there are times when an expectation of peace leads to an absence of all emotional activation altogether. In other words, people might choose partners who don't challenge them, settle for conversations that don't go too deep and generally play it safe by choosing neutrality repeatedly.
Of course, close relationships should naturally activate our attachment system. It's only when we are bonded that we remain emotionally invested. This investment brings vulnerability, and vulnerability begets feeling. This means that being in a relationship is a naturally emotional affair; it certainly shouldn't feel chaotic, but it also can't be an emotional flatline.
In fact, a 2021 study published in Biological Psychology suggests that healthy relationships should aid nervous system regulation. By tracking couples' stress responses across daily life, the researchers found lower sympathetic nervous system arousal when partners were in close proximity, compared to when they were apart.
This effect was strongest among people with more secure attachment patterns, suggesting that it is not emotional neutrality but reliable co-regulation that helps strengthen relational security.
This distinction is extremely important because the calm that comes from emotional avoidance looks similar on the surface to calm that comes from safety. A relationship that never "unsettles" may be bypassing your emotional innerworld altogether.
In contrast, healthy love includes regular moments of discomfort while negotiating needs and repairing rupture. These experiences activate the nervous system temporarily and then allow it to return to baseline. The activation followed by repair is precisely what builds attachment security over time.
Sensible love, from this perspective, involves the capacity to move through emotional intensity without interpreting it as danger. Similarly, it demands partners to trust that connection will bring regulation, and that avoidance may be counterintuitive.
2. Sensible Love Means Choosing Someone Who 'Makes Sense,' Not Someone You Desire
It's a dominant cultural discourse to think that, at some point, one needs to stop prioritizing chemistry and start prioritizing compatibility if they want a long-term relationship.
And, in fairness, there is a kernel of truth to this notion. Long-term satisfaction is strongly associated with shared values and aligned life goals. Chemistry alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. But this association can also lead to misguided inferences that frame desire as juvenile, and glorify practicality in the name of maturity.
Many people internalize the idea that attraction should be a secondary factor in choosing a partner. As a result, many talk themselves into relationships because the person is "good for them," emotionally available, stable and objectively appropriate. On paper, their relationship makes sense. But the question they forget to ask is if their body is embracing or resisting the relationship. Psychologically and biologically, this matters more than we tend to admit.
A 2025 study titled Molecular Basis of Love suggests that attraction, attachment and long-term bonding are supported by different but interacting systems in the brain, and dopamine plays a central role in attraction and motivation. It fuels curiosity and approach behavior. Oxytocin and vasopressin, by contrast, support bonding and long-term attachment. Serotonin helps regulate mood and emotional stability within relationships.
In other words, desire is not a frivolous add-on to an otherwise "serious" relationship. It is the system that generates engagement in the first place. Suppressing or sidelining attraction in the name of sensibility forces the relationship to run primarily on bonding and commitment while under-engaging the brain's motivational circuitry. As a consequence, people can feel oddly disengaged in their "stable" relationships because it fails to move them.
Sensible love, in short, should reflect "embodied interest," or the desire to move toward your partner, not just agree with them philosophically. Your nervous system should register curiosity and motivation alongside safety and respect. If you treat desire as optional, resentment will most definitely follow.
3. Sensible Love Doesn't Require Ongoing Effort
Undoubtedly, the most damaging belief of all is that sensible love is easy. Once you've chosen wisely, you might assume that things should simply work. You might expect conflict to be minimal and misunderstandings to resolve on their own.
You might expect love to feel intuitive, almost self-sustaining, if you have made the right choice. The harsh reality, however, is that long-term relationship stability is a result of consistent relational labor.
In a 2025 study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy couples' greater intentional engagement in shared relationship activities is associated with higher relationship quality and fewer negative interactions.
Importantly, these benefits appear not only at the couple level, but in how each partner individually perceives the relationship. Relationships, therefore, improve not simply because two people coexist peacefully, but because they continue to participate in the relationship.
Evolution is continuous, and a relationship that does not actively adapt to these changes becomes emotionally outdated, even if affection and goodwill remain. The research is clear on this point: love is not low-maintenance. It is intentional maintenance. You have to be present and curious to get into the rhythm of an ever-evolving relationship dynamic. That, perhaps, is the most sensible thing of all.
Love does not have to be reckless to be real. But it does have to be alive. Take the science-backed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to see where yours stands.
Curious to know your unique romantic style in love? Take my science-insipred Romantic Personality Quiz to discover which of the 16 romantic "types" you fall under.