A Therapist Tells Us Why We Need To Control Our Urge To 'Save' Others

Your incessant need to help others might not always be productive. Here's how you can work on it.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | February 24, 2023

Many people come to therapy troubled by their inability to help someone in need.

They may say things like:

  • "Why do I always feel attracted to people who have had lots of troubles in life?"
  • "I make every sacrifice possible to help him but he still doesn't change."
  • "If I'm constantly trying to change my significant other for the better does that mean I'm not accepting of them?"

If you relate to any of these questions, you may have a savior complex. At first glance, your behaviors might point to your helpful nature. But, when examined more closely, your savior complex can be psychologically unhealthy as it can give you an outlet to focus on instead of addressing your own problems.

Helpfulness is a valued and pro-social trait but there is a difference between helping and saving. A savior complex goes beyond our ability to help people, crossing into the realm of trying to be a hero in someone else's life for your benefit more than theirs.

Here I'll talk about three ways you can manage your instinct to want to "save" people.

#1. Practice active listening

When people confide in you, they are often looking for an outlet to let out pent-up emotions instead of wanting to "be fixed." A big problem for many "saviors" is the mistaken assumption that people are incapable of solving their own issues. If you take up the practice of listening more actively, you may learn that this person is perhaps just looking for a supportive shoulder and someone who will listen.

A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology finds that listening carefully and attentively increases the level of humility in any conversation, resulting in a positive feedback loop of increased humility and better listening.

Here are two ways to up your listening skills, according to the researchers:

  1. Don't be afraid of silence. Silent moments are essential for building a good conversation. Allow yourself to be silent to enable the other person to speak. For instance, when a friend comes to you with a problem, aim to understand rather than immediately reply. Watch out for their body language instead, which speaks volumes (e.g. tensed shoulders may express fear or hesitation).
  2. Believe in the benefits of listening. Familiarize yourself with the benefits of listening. This will motivate you to become a better listener.

#2. Wait it out before stepping in

Aside from practicing active listening, resist your urge to intervene. You may find that people can often come to their own help when helping themselves is the only real way out.

If you try to be the fixer of all their problems, you run the risk of unintentionally pushing them towards a sense of learned helplessness, where they lose the perspective to be able to diagnose and address their own issues.

When a loved one comes to you with an issue, refrain from offering assistance or suggestions right off the bat. Remind yourself that you can be present for someone without always having to rescue them. Instead, you can offer validation that would show that you understand and empathize with them and are there for them whenever they need space to vent out.

#3. Hold in your urge to help until you are asked for it

One key aspect of the savior complex is the ingrained desire to help even when it's not wanted or requested. Assuming that the other person is incapable of helping themselves may reflect, or be perceived as, a superiority complex on your end.

Instead, you can offer assistance in low-pressure ways that keeps the ball in their court.

For instance, ask the other person questions like, "This situation seems quite tough. Is there any way I can help?"

Follow their guidance only if they ask you to help in a certain way instead of assuming that you know what's best.

Conclusion

Managing your savior instincts may seem difficult at first but it's a learnable skill.

Even though you may believe you are doing someone a favor, saving someone who doesn't want to be saved may backfire. Wait until this person asks for your assistance since it's likely that someone who truly needs it will ask you for it directly.