A Therapist Describes What It Means To Date Yourself And How This Can Help You On Your Love Journey
Without a deep understanding of yourself, it is difficult to find a partner who truly resonates with your values and aspirations.
By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | July 5, 2023
Dating can be a nightmare if we jump in unprepared. Many people find themselves stuck in unproductive loops, saying things like:
- "It always starts off great, but in the long run I feel like I am wasting my time."
- "I really want to settle down with someone. It just doesn't seem to happen for me and I don't know why."
- "Casual dates are great. But, as things get serious I start to freak out and withdraw."
Overcoming obstacles such as these can get easier if one is willing to take the time to self-explore. If you are tired of going on dates that eventually lead nowhere, it might be time to look within and take yourself out on one before seeking companionship with someone else.
Here are three ways investing time in getting to know yourself better can help transform your dating life.
1. Discover Your Definition of Love
To date with clarity and intention, one must be aware of what they desire and, more importantly, what they bring to the table in a relationship. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for people to be deeply unaware of their motivations behind seeking a certain kind of person or relationship dynamic.
For instance, a study published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy explains how it is possible for people to get entangled in problematic relationship patterns due to faulty 'relationship cognitions' (e.g., the idea of blind love, a tolerance for manipulation, etc.) they developed in their youth.
You can circumvent the slippery slope of learning what you want the hard way by developing your self-awareness and taking time to find solitary happiness instead.
You can start this journey by taking yourself out on a solo date to a movie, play, dinner or even a picnic in your nearby park. Enrolling yourself in clubs and communities of like-minded people can also help you develop a richer relationship with yourself. This can include book clubs, film appreciation clubs, food bloggers associations, etc.
Having a better idea of what makes you happy and the kind of people you naturally gravitate towards can equip you to take on the world of romantic relationships with newfound equipoise. This way, you will be much less likely to pick someone simply out of loneliness and far more likely to pick someone who is good for you.
2. Do Not Be an Escapist
One of the hardest parts about being by yourself is the silence that comes with it. Most of us, in this age of over-stimulation, wince at the thought of being completely alone for a prolonged period of time.
An article published in Science found that, thanks to digital and social media, we need not be alone, even when we are. In fact, some people hate the experience of being alone so much that they would prefer to receive a mild electric shock than to be deprived of external social and sensory stimuli.
However, if you give solitude a chance, you might realize that there are issues you could be struggling with or conversations you want to have with yourself that are being deferred due to your aversion to loneliness. This might be the perfect time to address your hesitation towards intimacy, confront your tendency to repress anger, or process nagging body image issues.
Journaling, shadow work, therapy and mindfulness meditation are all powerful tools that can help you embrace vulnerability and overcome the urge to be distracted all the time.
3. Let Boredom Guide You
We often complain of boredom when having to spend time alone. But boredom sometimes pushes us towards creativity.
There are endless activities that can help you exercise your creative muscle and express yourself in novel and fulfilling ways. It doesn't have to be painting, singing or dancing. Tending to your garden is a creative act. So is building a new bookshelf. So is learning a new language.
It is important to pick an activity or project that captivates all of your attention to extract maximum benefits.
Unsurprisingly, creativity comes in handy in our relationships, too. Here are a couple of the ways how:
- Problem solving. Resolving conflicts can be a much quicker and gratifying process when one takes the route of creativity. Creative solutions eliminate the need for unnecessary sacrifices and emotional repression.
- Keeping the romance alive. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology recognizes that passion is often fleeting in love and needs to be nourished. For someone with an ability to get creative, push the boundaries of a set routine and encourage new experiences, maintaining happiness in a relationship comes a whole lot easier.
Conclusion
Before you embark on another ill-conceived dating endeavor, consider taking the time to date yourself first. The insights and growth you'll gain through the journey of self-discovery will lay the foundation for a more rewarding and successful dating life in the future.