This psychology-based insight explains why waiting for love can keep you stuck.
4 Reasons You Fall For Potential And Not People
Focusing on a partner's potential instead of reality can keep relationships in a state of perpetual 'almost.' Learn how this paradox works.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Last Updated:
Many people come to therapy describing a familiar problematic pattern in their love lives. They may say things like:
- "Everything was so promising in the beginning! I don't know what happened."
- "I didn't see this red flag when we started dating."
- "They promised they'd change, and I believed them."
All of these statements echo the same sentiment: some people stay in relationships not because the relationship is consistently good, but because it feels close to being good. However, what they fail to understand is that when an individual falls in love with who someone could be, they are often bonding with a future fantasy rather than a present reality.
Psychologically, this pattern is not about being naive or irrational. It's more about how the brain processes attachment, reward and meaning when faced with uncertainty. Research suggests that being attracted to potential rather than behavior is often driven by predictable cognitive and emotional mechanisms that can profoundly influence romantic decision-making.
(Take my fun and science-inspired Soutmate Test to know if your bond has real or imagined potential.)
Here are the four processes underlying this pattern, and why they make it easier to fall in love with someone's potential than their personality.
1. The Brain Over-Values Unrealized Potential (Especially In Love)
Human motivation systems are particularly sensitive to anticipation. In fact, dopamine (our "motivation neurotransmitter") is often released more strongly during anticipation of a reward than during the reward itself.
This means that imagined futures can feel more emotionally activating than lived experiences. And anyone who has indulged in romantic fantasizing will know this phenomenon to be true and borderline addictive. In romantic contexts, the idea of who someone might become can generate more excitement than who they consistently are.
And the motivation to imagine best case scenarios to fill in knowledge gaps is bolstered by another vulnerability of the brain. Studies on reward prediction error show that intermittent reinforcement strengthens attachment more than consistent outcomes.
In other words, if a partner lives up to their "potential" every now and then, your attachment to them might increase more than it would if they simply embodied it all the time. When positive behavior appears unpredictably, it creates a powerful learning loop that keeps the brain engaged, waiting for the next payoff.
This is why relationships marked by inconsistency often feel harder to leave than relationships that are clearly unsatisfying. One partner's imagined versions of its "realized potential" might be (intermittently) egging them on to hold on to an unsatisfying relationship.
2. Childhood Imprints Turn Inconsistency Into Love
Attachment research helps explain why some people are especially vulnerable to this dynamic. Individuals with anxious attachment are more likely to focus on cues of possible closeness rather than reliable responsiveness.
When care is inconsistent in a relationship, an anxious individual's attachment systems stay activated and hope becomes a regulatory strategy. The belief that things will improve allows the relationship to feel tolerable in the present, even when needs are not being met. But anxiously attached individuals aren't the only ones guilty of this tendency.
Avoidantly attached partners may also unintentionally reinforce this pattern of misguided hope, but from another angle. Their moments of emotional availability can feel especially meaningful to their partner, because they might contrast with their characteristic emotional distance. Over time, the relationship can become organized around waiting rather than relating, with "potential" becoming its fulcrum.
3. Biases Turn Potential Into Evidence Of Love
Several well documented cognitive biases can contribute to one's tendency to stay attached to who someone "could be" rather than what they show up as everyday. Here are just three of several that could be contributing to yours:
- The sunk cost fallacy leads people to continue investing in situations where they have already invested too much time, emotion or effort despite poor outcomes.
- Optimism bias leads individuals to overestimate the likelihood of positive change while underestimating the likelihood that current patterns (like inconsistency, broken promises or an inability to receive feedback) will persist.
- Confirmation bias, by reinforcing selective attention, amplifies moments that support the belief that change is coming. Patterns that contradict that belief, on the other hand, are rationalized or minimized.
Together, these biases make potential feel like proof rather than a vague possibility.
4. Emotional Labor Becomes A Stand-In For Love
Another core feature of this pattern is the internalizing the responsibility for one's relationship success. Research on emotional labor shows that people who take on disproportionate responsibility for regulating emotions, solving problems or facilitating growth often feel more bonded to the relationship than their partner.
This usually creates a paradox wherein the more work one does to hold the relationship together, the more meaningful it feels. In other words, one's own effort becomes evidence of depth.
Over time, they might start equating love with endurance, patience and emotional management. The absence of consistent care from the partner is replaced with the sense of purpose that comes from trying to help them reach their potential.
When viewed through a realistic lens, such "intimacy" might eventually reveal itself to be self-abandonment, which one was framing as commitment all this while.
Why Behavior Is The Best Marker Of Love
From a psychological perspective, behavior is the most valid indicator of relational capacity. Research in relationship science consistently shows that stable patterns of responsiveness, reliability and emotional availability predict relationship satisfaction far more strongly than intentions or verbal commitments.
Change is possible, but only when it is internally motivated, consistent over time and supported by action. Without these elements, hope becomes a way of avoiding the reality of unmet needs. And partners who remain focused on potential usually end up chronically dissatisfied and emotionally exhausted.
For some people, being the one who believes, waits or sees the good in others becomes part of their identity. And roles tied to meaning and morality are especially hard to relinquish. In this sense, letting go of potential can feel like letting go of who they are. To them, the relationship does not just represent connection; it also represents proof of patience, loyalty and emotional depth.
Take the science-backed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to know if your bond is weakening under the weight of potential.
Take my fun and science-inspired Romantic Personality Quiz to know if you're a fantasizer or a maximizer of love.