3 Reasons Behind Your Tendency To Become A 'Chameleon' In Love
Why camouflauging your needs and wants in a relationship can make it hollow.
By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | August 15, 2023
In the ever-evolving dynamic of a long-term relationship, a subtle adaptation or compromise for the sake of your bond can be a beautiful expression of love and understanding. However, when this adaptation turns into 'chameleoning,' or the act of completely altering your personality depending on the social situation, it can negatively affect the growth and vitality of your connection.
Inadvertent signs that one has crossed the threshold from adjustment to mirroring may sound like:
- "You don't have to ask me, I am okay with anything you want to eat."
- "Of course, I agree with you, I always do."
- "That's alright, I can plan my week according to your schedule."
- "I didn't mean that, I meant what you were saying."
Adapting to one another's needs and preferences is a natural part of building rapport, but changing fundamental aspects of oneself to fit the mold of a relationship can be detrimental. Recognizing this tendency and exploring the underlying reasons for this self-masking mechanism is crucial to preserve individuality and foster genuine connections.
Here are three things to reflect upon if you find yourself stuck in a pattern of camouflaging to your partner's identity instead of showing up as yourself in relationships.
1. The Lure Of Seeking External Validation
Chameleoning, to a large extent, is an unconscious and natural process we adeptly employ to foster a sense of oneness with others. We gravitate towards those we can relate to and, as a result, we adjust ourselves accordingly in various social situations to create a feeling of connection.
However, when this adaptation transforms into total dependence on external validation, we relinquish control of our self-worth to the judgments of others.
While being fluid and adaptable can facilitate making friends and navigating social situations, it may lead to difficulties in the long run. How can one define their true personality in a room full of people when they have grown accustomed to borrowing different personas?
Close relationships thrive on trust — and trust, in turn, relies on consistency. An overly flexible and unpredictable demeanor can erode the foundation of trust, as it raises questions about authenticity and intentions.
2. Unraveling The 'Chronic Pleaser' Persona
Many find comfort and pride in adopting the identity of a people-pleaser, as the empathetic and kind qualities associated with the tendency makes them socially desirable. In fact, pioneering studies have revealed that empathetic individuals exhibit the chameleon effect more frequently, using it as a tool to facilitate smoother conversations and build meaningful connections.
However, an alternative perspective is presented in a study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, shedding light on the link between excessive people-pleasing and psychopathic traits.
This research examined men seeking dating partners and found that those with higher psychopathic tendencies had a greater aptitude for mimicking acceptable and likeable behavior, even if they did not genuinely possess such traits.
The notion of becoming a 'chronic pleaser' raises a critical concern, as it not only masks one's authentic voice, hindering open communication, but also questions the core intention of the pleaser in the first place.
To foster genuine connections and maintain one's true identity, it is crucial to strike a balance between genuine empathy and assertive self-expression.
3. Erosion Of Your Core Values
Healthy love blossoms from the harmonious interplay of two individual identities. The essence of the union lies in the celebration of individuality within the relationship.
However, when the focus shifts toward excessive people-pleasing, driven by the belief that mirroring the other leads to greater acceptance and affection, the ingenuity of the relationship is jeopardized.
Research highlights the consequences of compromising core values solely to be accepted and fit into a partnership. Such compromises can erode the very foundation of personal growth and mutual respect.
When one loses touch with their true self within the relationship, it is not them who is loved, but merely a façade they have constructed, leaving this person with the question: How long can I sustain such a performance without forsaking my authenticity and self-awareness?
By preserving your core values and embracing the beauty of your uniqueness, you ensure that the love you share is founded on truth and authenticity, which is better poised to withstand the highs and lows of life.
Conclusion
In the symphony of relationships, adaptability and mutual understanding play complementary notes. However, true resonance arises when each partner remains true to their core selves.