Navigating the Psychology of Connection and Commitment
2 Ways To Make Better Relationship Resolutions
Discover how shifting focus from misplaced responsibility to intentional habits can save your New Year's goals.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Last Updated:
Every January, couples approach the new year with hopeful intentions and resolutions. They might make promises, both to themselves and to each other, that go something like:
- "This year, we'll spend more quality time together."
- "I think they'll stop withdrawing in conflict."
- "If I can just get them to listen more, everything would change."
On the surface, this might feel proactive, like taking control of a relationship's trajectory by pinpointing exactly what needs fixing and setting expectations. But research shows that when couples make resolutions that focus on changing the other person rather than themselves, they often stumble into deeper conflict and dissatisfaction.
Here are two reasons why well-intentioned resolutions set by couples fail despite how hard they work to achieve them.
1. Resolutions That Turn Into Control
The instinct to "fix" someone else's behavior stems partly from how humans understand agency and control.
When people believe their happiness depends on external forces, like their partner's behavior, they fall into what psychologists call an external locus of control. Conversely, an internal locus of control (the belief that one's own actions influence outcomes) is associated with healthier adjustment across life domains, including relationships.
For example, research on married couples finds that those with a stronger internal locus of control report better marital adjustment and are more likely to use positive problem-solving strategies than those who attribute outcomes to outside forces.
When something matters to us, we're often tempted to ensure stability and predictability through influence. So, when a partner doesn't act the way we hoped — doesn't communicate "effectively," doesn't regulate emotions "appropriately" or doesn't carry their weight in ways we envisioned — we might feel compelled to think, "If only they would change, things would be better."
When you step into January with a list of partner-focused goals, you're bringing a productivity framework into a space that thrives on safety and shared vulnerability. This mismatch, productivity for intimacy, is why so many relationship resolutions collapse.
Beyond broad goals, how partners connect daily also matters. A recent study on quality time and conflict management highlighted that perceived perspective-taking, or the felt sense that your partner truly seeks to understand you, mediates the relationship between meaningful time together and positive conflict outcomes. To put it plainly, when partners feel understood, they handle differences more constructively.
This reflects another consistent finding in relationship science: that connection doesn't come from correcting behavior. It can also come from feeling seen and supported while becoming better together.
2. Resolutions That Clash With Relationship Dynamics
A study published in Current Psychology looked at how non-harmonious goals, or goals that don't align between partners, affect behavior and perceived support. The researchers found that when partners pursue goals that collide with one another or with the relationship's needs, both support and motivation suffer. That is, mismatched intentions make each partner feel less understood and less supported, even if one partner is trying hard to "help."
As an example, think of two people trying to organize their time together. Let's say one of them wants more meaningful conversations before bed, and the other wants silent relaxation time. In this scenario, the earnest resolution to "talk more" can feel like pressure, because it isn't mutual.
Another body of research, examining partner support and goal conflict during the COVID-19 lockdowns, found something similar. In a study of couples reporting daily about their interactions, higher goal conflict predicted lower perceived partner support, whereas successful negotiation of goal conflict predicted better outcomes both for personal goals and relational connection.
This means that when goals diverge and remain unresolved, partners feel less emotionally available to each other, blocking the safety and openness needed for real intimacy.
The problem of goal conflict is further complicated by both partners' history of attachment. For instance, a study tracking couples' perceptions over time found that people higher in avoidant attachment tended to perceive less support when goals clashed, whereas anxious attachment interacted with conflict in complex ways.
In other words, how people interpret disagreements and partner behavior isn't just about the content of the goal, it's about relational safety. When goals are framed as "fix the other person," this tends to activate defensive patterns rather than collaborative ones.
Where We Are Going Wrong With Relationship Resolutions
All of this brings us to a deeper point: goals that shift responsibility inward, toward one's own reactions and patterns, create conditions where both partners can thrive. So, instead of saying, "They need to communicate better," reframing one's resolve to something like, "I want to express my needs more clearly," invites both self-growth and relational empathy.
Another important piece of this puzzle is shared goal coordination, where both partners communicate about their aims and support each other's growth without pressure. When partners align and coordinate on personal goals, not by fixing each other but by supporting each other's autonomy, they are more likely to achieve those goals and feel satisfied with the relationship.
That doesn't mean every goal must be identical; it means being intentional about how goals interface with the relationship's health. A relationship resolution that depends on your partner to change to make you feel better is, of course, unlikely to create closeness. A resolution that asks you to change your own patterns of behavior, reflection and communication puts agency back in your hands.
Instead of goals like, "They should be less reactive," a more psychologically grounded goal might be, "I'll notice when I feel triggered and pause before responding." Instead of "They have to communicate better," restructure the goals as, "I will share my experience without assuming they know what I mean."
Sustainable connection isn't built by managing another's behavior, but by engaging with your own patterns, being present and developing empathy and adaptability within the relationship. When both partners stop trying to control outcomes and start taking responsibility for how they show up, they build a solid foundation where most well-intentioned resolutions quickly take root.
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