Arthur C. Brooks, a Harvard social scientist known for his work on happiness and human flourishing, often speaks about a curious asymmetry in how men and women seek to feel loved.

According to him, men primarily long to be admired, while women deeply desire to be adored.

On the surface, this “admiration-adoration” distinction can sound like a neat soundbite; two words that capture the whole dance of heterosexual love. But underneath it lies a rich debate about love itself.

As a matter of fact, Brooks is far from the first to make this claim. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ bestselling book Love and Respect (2004) built an entire relationship program around the idea that men need respect and women need love.

Eggerichs, too, argued that marital conflict often stems from this mismatch: when men feel disrespected, they withdraw, and when women feel unloved, they protest. And the cycle feeds itself until both feel alienated. Brooks’s “admiration-adoration” framing is a more lyrical cousin of this model, but it hits somewhat the same notes.

But does psychology even support this somewhat simplified claim? Are men truly wired to seek admiration as proof of love, and women destined to hunger for adoration?

As with most questions about gender and relationships, the answer is more complex than any single formula. Still, research gives us some intriguing insights into why admiration and adoration may resonate differently with men and women, and why we should both take these claims seriously and hold them lightly.

Why Men Might Seek More Admiration

When researchers try to parse out what fuels satisfaction in close relationships, one variable repeatedly rises to the top: respect. Researchers of a landmark paper published in Personal Relationships developed a scale to measure respect in romantic partnerships and found that it predicted satisfaction even more strongly than general affection.

So, respect did not turn out to be the pleasant add-on people may have assumed it to be; it has always been a fundamental building block of feeling securely loved.

For many men, admiration might become one of the primary ways this respect gets communicated, because admiration acknowledges their effort and hard strengths. This dovetails with long-standing theories of masculinity, where men are socialized to derive self-worth from achievement, mastery and status. When a partner expresses admiration, it directly affirms these deeply ingrained identity needs.

Even Gottman’s research on couples has long highlighted the role of admiration in marital stability. In his “love maps” and “fondness and admiration” framework, admiration is prescribed as a protective factor. Couples who express it frequently weather conflict better and maintain greater intimacy over time. For men especially, hearing admiration from their partner can be a critical buffer against stress and feelings of inadequacy.

There are two critical reasons why admiration might fuel love, and why men might develop an affinity for it:

1. It reinforces a sense of efficacy, or the feeling that one’s actions matter and make a difference. Research distinguishes admiration from adoration by noting that admiration is tied to emulation. When we admire someone, we see qualities that are attainable, even if aspirational. In a romantic context, this means that admiration validates who a man is while simultaneously encouraging him to grow into his better self.

2. It encourages vulnerability. Studies on masculinity and emotional expression show that men often receive fewer opportunities for emotional validation outside of their romantic relationships. For instance, a 2018 study on masculinity and mental health suggested that men’s close emotional needs are frequently funneled almost exclusively into their romantic partnerships. That concentration of emotional reliance may amplify the significance of admiration. It isn’t just a boost to their ego, it might just be one of the few forms of validation men regularly receive.

When traced through this line of thought, we might conclude that, in a way, admiration functions as the bridge between the masculine need for competence and the human need for connection for men.

Why Women Might Gravitate Toward Adoration

If admiration is about recognition of what one does, adoration is about cherishing who one is. It is less about achievement and more about devotion. You “adore” someone when you see them as inherently worthy, precious, and some might even say, a little bit sacred.

The above-mentioned research can also help us unpack what makes adoration uniquely powerful. While admiration leads us to emulate, adoration leads us to affiliate. To adore someone is to elevate them and fold their essence into one’s own sense of meaning. For many women, this form of love meets the psychological need for security in belonging and the assurance that one is not just respected, but treasured.

Research links adoration with purpose in life and existential meaning. When people feel adored, they report a greater sense of coherence, and life can feel richer and more anchored.

But why might women, on average, be more attuned to adoration as an expression of love? Part of the answer lies in cultural and social conditioning. Women are more often socialized to prioritize relational harmony and connection.

While men might see themselves as loved through the lens of performance and respect, women have historically been tied to being valued, wanted and chosen. Adoration, in this sense, is a confirmation that they are not only loved, but the irreplaceable center of someone’s devotion.

This doesn’t mean women don’t also crave admiration. Indeed, in an era where women’s achievements and competencies are increasingly recognized, many women thrive on admiration too. But at the crossroads of cultural scripts and individual experience, their definition of love often comes closer to the language of adoration and cherishment.

The Secret Script Underneath Our Needs

So, does this mean that men categorically need admiration and women categorically need adoration? Not so fast. While these patterns capture real psychological currents, they also risk flattening human complexity into stereotypes.

One reason for caution is that gender differences in emotional needs are shaped by social scripts, not just biology. Masculinity research reminds us that men are often discouraged from expressing vulnerability or seeking comfort in affiliative ways. As a result, admiration likely becomes the acceptable currency of love.

Meanwhile, women are encouraged to seek relational security and are praised for being the object of devotion, so adoration becomes the preferred token. But these are not immutable truths; they are social patterns that can evolve.

In societies where gender roles are less rigid, the gap between what men and women want in love slowly shrivels. Men may express a stronger desire for adoration; women may emphasize the importance of admiration for their achievements.

What Brooks captures in his shorthand is perhaps less a hardwired law of love and more a reflection of cultural norms that shape how men and women might articulate their needs.

On top of that, admiration and adoration are not mutually exclusive. The healthiest relationships often weave them together. Partners admire each other’s strengths while also adoring each other’s essence. While respect without cherishing can feel cold; cherishing without respect can feel hollow.

Finally, individual differences like attachment styles, personal histories, love languages and even moment-to-moment stress influence what form of love feels most nourishing. A securely attached woman might thrive on admiration of her competence, and an avoidantly attached man might secretly crave adoration more than he admits. What would benefit us most is, of course, to absorb only that which resonates and create a definition of love informed by our own and our partners’ lived experiences.

Wondering what your own definition of love is? Take the science-backed Love Language Scale to understand what makes you feel most loved.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.