Relationships die long before couples officially end them. Yet many continue to try, often desperately and single-handedly, to make it work — but that rarely yields the desired results.

In fact, a 2025 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found a predictable pattern of relationship decline before a breakup. The authors identified a “terminal phase” of declining satisfaction that begins between 7 months and 2.3 years before the actual breakup. This sharp decline followed a gradual, initial “pre-terminal” phase, indicating that most relationships dissipate long before one partner actually ends them.

If you’re wondering whether your relationship is healthy or just appears to be healthy on the surface, ask these three questions for a quick reality check to ensure you’re not in either of these phases.

1. ‘Are We Still Showing Up Openly And Honestly?’

At the start, you might have been more open and honest. But as friction arises, the way you communicate shifts; rather than telling each other how you really feel, you may begin acting as though everything is fine.

This “pretending” occurs either because you feel the relationship is fragile and don’t want to risk destroying it, or because you fear that if you tell the truth, you’ll be forced to admit something actually is wrong.

A January 2025 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science investigated over 200 couples to study the benefits of honesty in valued relationships. They broke it down into three types:

• Expressed honesty. How honest the person really was, based on what they said versus what they actually thought.

• Perceived honesty. How honest they thought their partner was being.

• Accurate perception. If both people agreed about how honest the conversation was.

Researchers found that if someone was honest — that is, expressed honesty — or their partner thought they were honest — perceived honesty — both people felt better and were more satisfied with the relationship, both immediately and after three months, regardless of whether their views of honesty matched exactly.

What really matters is showing honesty and making your partner feel that you’re being honest, and not necessarily both people seeing the conversation the same way. So, when you ask each other, “Are we really being honest right now?” don’t shrink back — take it as a sign to finally have conversations you may have been putting off.

2. ‘When We Face A Problem, Do We Still Work As A Team?’

When your relationship is robust, even on your worst days as a couple, you don’t feel alone. You know that even if it’s a rough patch or things feel shaky, they’re still there, holding on, even in silence. But when your relationship needs attention, even the best days can feel empty.

A 2024 qualitative study published in Contemporary Family Therapy explored how long-term couples resolve conflicts. They looked at over 90 couples married for forty or more years to understand how they negotiate and adapt over time. They identified six common patterns:

• Listen to each other carefully.

• Avoid conflict on certain issues.

• Communicate well to express thoughts and feelings.

• Compromise to find the middle ground.

• Resolve conflicts quickly instead of letting them drag on.

• Cool down by taking breaks before discussing difficult topics further.

They also found that listening, avoiding conflict and good communication accounted for nearly half of all strategies mentioned. If it feels like you’re the only one showing up, trying and going out of your way to fix things, maybe it’s time to ask each other honestly, “If something goes wrong, do we really show up as a team?” This reality check helps you break the cycle and reveals where both of you need to invest energy to heal and grow together.

3. ‘When I Imagine The Future, Do I Genuinely See Myself Happy With Them?’

A relationship is built to last when you truly want to wake up next to your partner for the rest of your life. This is about long-term compatibility and alignment of core values and goals. You know you’ve found your “one” when the thought of having them beside you forever fills you with security and excitement rather than dread or despair.

Being in a fulfilling relationship makes you want to create a richer, more meaningful life, one worth sharing with your significant other. The prospect of future challenges doesn’t make you waver — instead, it gives you certainty that whatever life throws at you, you can face it with them by your side.

A large 2024 study of over 900 couples found that while relationship satisfaction tends to decline over time, the way we think about love shapes how much it actually does. Those who held “destiny beliefs,” believing that love is simply meant to be or it isn’t, often felt satisfied at the start, but their satisfaction faded more quickly.

On the other hand, people who believed love grows with effort were more resilient, showing less decline over the years. In fact, the most satisfied couples often developed stronger growth beliefs as time went on.

But when you sit down and ask yourself, “Will I really be happy with them next to me when we’re old and gray?” and the response isn’t a resounding yes, that’s revealing. Keeping faith in effort and improvement is important, but if even that doesn’t leave you reassured about the future, then the problem lies beyond effort. This reality check is a call to reflect honestly on what’s missing and whether it can truly be repaired.

No matter which stage of your relationship you’re in, these questions help you see clearly whether your relationship is on the right track or if there are key areas you can step up and improve on.

Does your relationship need a quick reality check? Take the science-backed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to learn how you’re really feeling about your partner.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes, here.